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When your ex sees the kids-what are usual arrangements?

7 replies

wooga · 03/12/2007 14:08

Hi, am wondering how it works when ex wants to see the kids- does he visit them where you live or is he meant to take them with him to where he is living?
My ex moved out and only sees the kids at our old home-I have to organise getting the kids over to his or he makes no effort and wouldn't see them much.
He's never learnt to drive but fortunately he's not very far - 15 min walk.
When we talked about what'll happen when house is sold and i rent somewhere he was under the impression that he could still just turn up and see the dcs at mine- he's being really hazy over setting any days (which is unfair on our asd ds) and has made it clear that he won't see them much at all unless he can come round here.
I don't really want him at my place-I was hoping it would be my own (and dcs) space when I moved out-is that mean?
Also, ex doesn't really do anything when he comes over-just watches them play like he always did-when he has them without me around he has to make an effort so is better.

OP posts:
KaySamuels · 03/12/2007 14:15

I think it is unhealthy for him to come tyo yours and stay there with the kids, you are right your new home will be yours. As he doesn't live far away he could have them for tea/afternoon/overnight/whatever is apporpriate. He needs to spend time with them to form a bond and so they see him making an effort and feel loved.

I am a step daughter and a step mum, and my dad spending time with us in the family home/my mum's house would have been plain odd. You are no longer a couple, a cup of tea at a push to catch up with the kids ie school, health behaviour, tops! Put your foot down.

wooga · 03/12/2007 20:35

Thank you for your advice.

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pinkspottywellies · 03/12/2007 20:37

Agree with everything Kay says. Sorry not very original but just wanted to back up your gut feeling wooga. He needs to make some effort here.

MeMySonAndI · 04/12/2007 18:50

Why can't he see them at his place? TBH if you do all the effort for him, he will never need to do it.

I understand about not wanting him at your place, I can't believe how territorial I have become since ex left, the only though of him getting upstairs without a good reason (and my autorisation!) gets me livid even when we separated in very good terms.

It is true that if he takes the children with him he would need to make a better effort and as a result may get to know his children better than if he just sits as a visit at your home and let you to cope with any need.

There is a book that has helped us a lot, it is called "Putting children first" by Karen & Nick Woodall. Perhaps having a look at it may help him to understand that it is no longer about him but about the children and, that when the absent parent is not at home anymore he has to make a much bigger effort to keep the relationship with his children in good shape.

Krimble · 04/12/2007 22:55

Maybe I am strange but I actually want exH to spend time with them in my house , I see it as the kids home and I don't want them living 2 seperate lives. Perhaps it isn't as hard as I am still in what was our married home. But agree I am getting territorial and prefer him to knock rather than just walking in and he doesn't go into my room.

I did find it difficult having him staying over to look after the kids when I was away for a couple of nights but I prefered that as appose to the kids staying elsewhere.

To be honest hell will have to freeze over before the kids meet his girlfreind let alone stay in her house or anything like that(yes I have a major problem with her but that is another story). Perhaps if he had his own place and she wasn't going to be there they might get to stay there once they are a lot older, but for now this is there home, this is where their life is and that is quite enough for them for now.

Krimble · 04/12/2007 22:57

Must have a look at "Putting children first" by Karen & Nick Woodall.

wooga · 05/12/2007 20:24

Thanks for your replies-will have to be more firm and not let him emo blackmail me!
Will get the book- it looks really helpful.
Thanks again.

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