Talking a to a toddler about absent father

[SethWho]

I'm curious about how honest to be. We were together when I found out I was pregnant but he decided he would be happier returning to his marriage. He has never met her and is not on birth certificate.
She has asked where he is and I've said he lives far away. She does, increasingly, say "I don't have a daddy" I vary between saying "No but you've got got a brilliant mummy" and saying "You do but he lives far far away".
I constantly worry about how she will feel if/when she finds out he has a daughter he lives with. Should I keep this from her? The best advice I've got so far is just to be honest and take the mystery out of him but I struggle enough myself with the thought that he loves one daughter and does not acknowledge the other. I can't imagine the pain for DD realising that he has actively chosen to bring up one child when ignoring the existence of another.

You don’t have to tell her now, I would probably wait till she is much older, I’m surprised she asks so much about him though, my 4 year old never asks about her “father” how old is she she?

I have a 2 (almost 3) year old daughter who no longer sees her father. It's a bit different in my case because he did want to be involved, but I had to move away (to a different country) due to domestic violence, and currently my DD has no contact with him. She also has a half-sister, who lives in the same city as her father, but they don't live together.

To be honest I can't really answer your questions because I'm also trying to figure this out. I'm just trying to be honest and age-appropriate. When my DD talks about daddies, I sometimes say, 'Your daddy lives in France.' But as she doesn't remember him, and she doesn't understand the concept of countries, she doesn't currently understand really.

I also occasionally mention her sister, but again she doesn't remember or understand this. I wonder how she's going to feel about this when she's older, and I guess I'll answer her questions as they come up. I imagine it will be difficult to try to find the balance between being honest and factual about what happened and not upsetting her or pushing my feelings onto her. I wouldn't lie to or keep things from her though, as that could just cause more trouble later on (for example, if I don't mention that she has a sister but she finds out another way). I have actually drawn my DD a family tree so she can know who the people on her father's side are (if she wants to) even if she doesn't have contact with them.

The family tree sounds lovely. I think she asks because she used to call her uncle "daddy" because her cousin did.

I don't think you should tell her about her sister now but the problem is when she's older and discovers social media then looks up her Dad out of curiosity and finds his life.
A teenager is going to be much angrier and less likely to talk about her feelings than a primary school aged child who will be gutted but cry on your shoulder. Plus a teenager might turn this around and furious at you for keeping a secret from them. You're there so it's easy to take it out on you than the real person who has wronged them.
My kids see their Dad but have asked questions about his new life. I've used the "I don't know" answer to some questions about him that I do know the answer to.

I would expect more questions once she goes to school and overhears other kids talk about their family setups. There will be kids who see their other parent, kids who live with their grandparents, kids who live with same sex parents etc

For now I would stick to Daddy lives far away even though in practice your dd is right.

Yes, my DD started nursery at 2 and that's when she became aware of the concept of daddies (she didn't mention them before that). She filled in the blanks in her own life in her own way and started to call her grandad daddy. We try to tell her he's her grandad, she corrects us and says he's daddy

Ah that’s maybe why mine doesn’t mention her father as she didn’t go nursery, she’s starting school in September so maybe I will get questions then. I just don’t think a toddler needs to know now, I’m not saying wait till she’s a teen but I would probably say 6/7 when she has more understanding I don’t think you have to go into all detail now, on a separate note my ex has a son also with another woman but he doesn’t see him either, I’ve chosen not to tell mine.

Can you be truthful without telling the whole truth? Daddy lives far away with another family. You don't need to mention a sibling and I don't think that explanation will lead to questions if it's done assertively and factually. This way you're not lying to her, just dripping the truth as she gets older. If she were to ask who's in that family say another mummy. Again not necessarily lying but if she's old enough to comnect the dots that another mummy means a mum rather than just a woman then maybe she is old enough to know about a sibling. Even if that does come up just keep it factual. Daddy lives with other little girl because he's married to her mummy. If you take any emotion out of the responses she'll take it calmly. I reckon better she knows when young than as a teen and feels like you've kept something from her