Hello,
Im after some help, my ds1 - 14 has told his father a week ago, he wants to move in with him, we live a hour away so it will be a big move. Ds14 has said that when hes with his dad he wants to move and when ds is with me he doesnt want to move. But we do have issues.
One issue with me concerns my ds2, whos just turned 13, they argue and have just started fighting when arguing. Over the last year when they have argued ds1 has rang or texted his father and gone there for a night or two. Ive tried to talk to his father about situations that make ds1 text his father and he just says let ds1 do what he wants
Sometimes ds1 says he goes to get away for from ds2 but as i dont think its needed he says thats when i side with ds2.
A year later i feel that all me or ds2 have to do is breathe wrong and ds1 texts his father and off he goes.
Ds1 has always said I treat ds2 better than him, i really try to treat them the same but ds1 is argumentive and ds2 is the totally opposite, over the years ds1 was always the one that when i said not to do something ds1 did it so he got put on time out a lot.
Life seemed settled until ds1 turned 13 (too old for timeouts) and he wanted to be treated differently to ds2 as now ds1 is a teenager (kept saying he felt i didnt treat him like a teen but couldnt give examples) ds1 has one close friend but covid restricted more freedom, like going out etc.
When ds1 and ds2 argue, its gone past what they argue about but how they argue, and it quickly results to name calling each other, when i become involved ds1 starts arguing with me and when i leave them to it, they start psychically fighting.
When i become involved i try to see both sides sometimes ds1 is right sometimes its ds2 ,sometimes they are both wrong, sometimes they are both right.
(right isnt the best word to use, but its whats ds1 and 2 use )
The times when ds2 is right, thats when ds1 kicks off.
Unless im "horrible" (as ds1 says when im taking away devices time )
to ds2, ds1 isnt happy.
With both if they show a negative behaviour, ill give a warning about taking time of their devices, ds2 listens but ds1 doesnt and has even hid the device from me so i cant take it.
Over the last year i feel all the rules in the house have gone as ds1 has questioned everything i do and when he says i treat ds2 better he will bring up something from a years ago that ds2 did and got told off for but ds1 would say he got away with it.
I feel emotionally beat and trying to get help.
Yesterday i was speaking to a close friend over the phone and ds1 and ds2 started arguing as soon as they opened there eyes, they have been bickering the last few days over the playstation, i was fed up with the arguing over it and we needed to go out and get the last of the school things and when i said this ds1 and ds2, ds2 said it was his turn first on the playstation and he said he hated me and i ignored him for saying it.
My friend on the phone she said to me that i sided with ds2 and she can see why ds1 wants to move.
She has children a couple of years older and said her children did the same thing but she stopped it before it got worse. And maybe ds2 upsets ds1 on purpose to get ds1 to leave.
I said i cant see it and over the last year ds1 has behaved negative and got away with it and now ds2 is copying.
Over the phone she said to ds1 and 2 to do as i say and go out and get the school things and she said ds2 is banned from the playstation for the day as he said he hated me.
To which ds2 got upset and said he didnt like my friend, but also when he was upset he had like a panic attack and was scratching his arm till it bleed. Ive never seen this behaviour before.
I have spoken to ex and he gives the boys pocket money and thats what he threatens to takes away but he says the boys are never bad enough so he never does it.
Im the adult and listening to ex and my close friend have just shown the kids a lack of respect to me as i keep asking others for advice and they like it when it suits them but they dont like it when it doesnt then they blame me.
I tried to get the children for counselling at a drop it but its their choice and they dont want to go.
Doesnt anyone have a reset button?