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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

What age can a child choose not to see dad?

11 replies

dreamcup · 04/09/2021 13:51

Basically just that!

Way too much background to go into. There is a court agreement between my ex & I. DD gets hysterical about going to her dads. There is a court agreement in place so right now i need to force her to go kicking and screaming and it's upsetting her and me!!

There are no safeguarding issues that would be extreme enough for a court to stop contact.

What age will she be able to have a say? She's only 6 now but I can't imagine physically forcing into her dads care at age 12 or 14?

OP posts:

PumpkinKlNG · 04/09/2021 13:53

Around 12 I think it is? But tbh it might be a phase, she might enjoy going once she’s older, if there is no safe guarding issues then I do think she should be going, my son doesn’t want to go to school but no one would say he doesn’t have to

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 04/09/2021 13:54

We were supposed to have 50/50 ish. Irl I had to fight for every second with our shared x 3 dc... At 12 and 14, 2 of them went nc with their df.. He didn't argue. No solicitor letter. In fact exh didn't even text me!! Sadly the oldest had been too brainwashed..

buffysbuffet · 04/09/2021 14:03

I've been having ear ache off 2 of my dc about going to their df. I was wondering this earlier.

Eldest is nearly 15 so I could let him stay at home but then the youngest won't be happy that they have to go and eldest doesn't. Middle dc doesn't mind going

Do you think it is a phase for your dd op? Does she say why she doesn't want to go?

Original poster

dreamcup · 04/09/2021 14:05

@PumpkinKlNG

It's been like this for 4 years tbh and I am forcing it but it's not getting better.

While the issues aren't enough to stop contact via court she has genuine reasons for not liking it. His own family know she doesn't want to go and have said they're not surprised and that he's brought it on himself

OP posts:

PumpkinKlNG · 04/09/2021 14:08

It might just be because she’s young though, my 7 year old doesn’t even like going to my mums house either as he finds it boring,
Most young kids want to stay with their PC given half the chance, does she say what the reasons are?

Original poster

dreamcup · 04/09/2021 14:14

She's got a whole list of reasons but it all boils down to her not feeling like it's her home. She doesn't like her dads partner (I've never said a negative thing about it), they don't do much and she gets bored, she misses me etc

She's happy going to school, both of her grans, my brothers etc so doesn't have an issue with leaving me at other times

And it's not just a case of her having a moan about not going. She actually cries hysterically, runs upstairs and hides, holds on to furniture. When I carry her out she pushes him away and screams in his face to go away

Ive been nothing but positive about her going, talked about it in a positive way, encouraged her, bought books on living between 2 houses etc. Even took her to a play therapist last year

OP posts:

liveforsummer · 04/09/2021 14:36

Court will listen to her opinions around 12 but won't necessarily rule differently. Depends on circumstances. She may well feel totally differently by then though. That's double her life so far

lbpie · 04/09/2021 14:53

I've heard it's about 12 too. Hopefully things settle down a bit by then

PumpkinKlNG · 04/09/2021 15:13

I have only heard the 12 thing so not sure how true it is, I’m sure my sisters court order was till their son was 16 but I guess realistically how would you force a teen to go? It’s a long way off though so I would see how it goes

Nat6999 · 04/09/2021 15:21

Does your ex know how badly it is affecting dd? Would he consider coming to see her at your house & maybe having some one on one time with her without going to his house or just seeing her during the day & her sleeping at yours? It's a big thing for a 6 year old going to somewhere where she in reality feels not at home & there being someone there who she feels doesn't like her.

Pinkyxx · 04/09/2021 18:02

I can understand you're finding this hard, and very upsetting. My daughter was similar, and I remember those days all too well. She was terribly on return as well, didn't sleep for days. Had issues getting her to school as well but only ever just after seeing him.. All you can do is reassure her, and make sure she understands it's not a 'choice' and that it is important to see Daddy. Lack of a relationship has it's price too (although seeing him in no way guarantees a relationship).

At around age 12 the court will be more willing to listen to a child's view but it may not be determinative. It all depends on the child's maturity and ability to understand the wider implications of their choices.

Do do you always have to carry her out to him? Does she ever walk out? and what is she like on return? Have you considered pick up being at school? I found that collection from school actually helped a lot for my DD. She didn't have to ''leave'' me to go to him.

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