Not able to move in with new partner?!?

[SarahSparks]

Feeling so trapped by this. Has anybody got any advice or experience to share please?

One of the main reasons my 5yo's Dad and I broke up when he was tiny, was finances and sharing of time/money. Maybe I was naive but I always thought when you become a family, some of the money you both earn goes into a pot, as do the chores, childcare, etc... And then the whole thing is shared fairly. He saw it differently- that we both needed to be working so we could both split the cost of living- though for me that included doing 90% of the childcare and household duties too. I tried, I burned out. I couldn't earn enough to contribute even close to 50% and we argued constantly.

Now 5 years later I'm seeing a guy I'd really like to settle down with. But we're at the same hurdle except this time he's not even my son's Dad and I feel no right in expecting him to pay for anything to do with my son. The only fair way to do it seems to be to split everything 50/50 and for me to cover the extra costs of my son's food, clothing, school things etc. If it wasn't for the fact I have a kid, he'd be spending next-to-nothing. He's always had a very frugal life. Living with me and my son means a huge increase in his living costs just on rent and bills- it's a really big deal for him!

And because he's not my son's Dad, of course childcare is solely my responsibility too, leaving me with that much less time and energy. That fewer hours when I CAN work...

I'm also struggling because during Covid my self employment went under and I'm on universal credits, trying to figure out how to get my career back on track. I get most of my money from UC at the moment so as soon as we begin living together, that support will go.

I'm so afraid of getting back into the same situation again. Part of me feels heartbroken I don't have that sharing-family situation... But the reality is, this is how it is, and I need to get my head around it!

I’m sorry op but you’re right you can’t expect your new partner to pay for your son, or do the child care for him, that’s down to you and his father.

It should be your child’s expenses and care is split between you and his dad depending on amount of time you both have with him and then the rest is up for debate, there is no should or shouldn’t, some go for fifty fifty some a proportional split some all in etc

If a man posted he expected his new partner to take care of his kids and pay for them he’d be ripped to shreds.

I'm not really quite sure what you're saying. Is he not willing to go 50/50 in terms of paying rent and household bills? He should be paying half of the rent, half of the bills etc. You shouldn't be getting lumbered with it all.

If this person is not prepared to support and help you and work as a team then he isn't the person for you. Don't move in together it will be a disaster and you will both end up resentful.

What you write makes logical sense, but if you move in with your partner he will be responsible for your loss of UC because the State disagrees with that logic.

The State feels that your partner becomes part of the family and should contribute so that you don't need your UC payment.

Ultimately, making a new family is about mutual support, mental, practical and financial. It will almost always be the case that in logical terms you to give up something in order to form that family. On paper that might look unfair.

You and your partner need to think about what you would be willing to give up in order to live together, but make sure you're looking at what you BOTH would have to give up, not just him.

Personally, I don't think your at a stage in your relationship where moving in together would be wise if all he's seeing is what he would have to give up and not what he would get out of it. Maybe he'll get nothing out of it, in which case why would he move in?

@Wtfdoipick

If this person is not prepared to support and help you and work as a team then he isn't the person for you. Don't move in together it will be a disaster and you will both end up resentful.

Maybe he can’t afford to support another adult and child

Doesn’t mean he’s a bad person, he might be a low earner as OP currently is.

You’re right OP, it won’t work living together for now so enjoy what you have and play it by ear.

Is your ex paying child support?

I feel like if you decide to make a life with someone who has a child(ren) then you accept that as part of the deal. I'm not saying he should shoulder all the responsibility for your child but you will be a famil unit, together. Or at least you should be. This means your child's time and expenses do become partly his too.

If he can't or doesn't want to become a family with you and your child then you should walk away. Your child is not a discrete being to you, they are and always will be part of you and your life.

Don't move in with him.
Why would his outgoings go up so much if he moved in with you? Doesn't he pay rent and bills where he is now?

Living with me and my son means a huge increase in his living costs just on rent and bills

Why? Does he still live with his mum?

Are you working now? Presumably your child is at school?

Don’t op
Just don’t

Just crack on living with your son

I’m a single parent
No intention of moving any man in to my children’s homes until they’re 18.

I can guarantee your son would prefer to just be with you

How long have you been with this guy anyway?

He doesn't sound like the right man for you really. If finances are tight and he's "really frugal" it doesn't sound like a very happy future.

I've moved in with my partner and he not only pays for half of anything I buy for me and the dc but he pays for anything while we are out and most of the bills.

I do t really understand the logic with regards to responsibility for childcare and paying for your son. Presumably you are totally responsible for that now (unless your XH is doing his share). If your new partner moved in you would still be responsible for it - so that's not any worse.

If you new partner moved in he would need to pay his share or food and bills - not sure it's 50 percent because there will be 3 of you living together.

I do understand the issue about UC. It sounds like you need to get yourself back on your feet with work again to resolve that.

There's nothing wrong with living apart though - you get to enjoy each other's company without the drudgery of domestic life - the washing and cleaning.

This is just temporary, you will be able to earn more in the future and come off UC, when that happens, if you dp moves in you will be better off not worse off even if you cover all your son's costs. Taking things slowly with your dp will benefit your son

I suspect if you move in with your partner you will both end up resenting the situation for different reasons and your son will suffer as a result. I think many lone parents lose sight of the fact the children have absolutely no control who the parents bring into their lives and home. Living with a frugal man who already is looking at all he has to lose by moving in is a hiding to nothing.
Live apart, spend quality time together without the imported drudgery from another adult being there full time (because I bet your bottom dollar he won't pull his weight around the place).
Enjoy living with your son and protecting his safe space and have the bonus of a partner when it's convenient

If it wasn't for the fact I have a kid, he'd be spending next-to-nothing. He's always had a very frugal life. Living with me and my son means a huge increase in his living costs just on rent and bills- it's a really big deal for him!

How is he living on next-to-nothing? Is he relying on someone else (his mum) to pay for everything?

If I were you I'd stay independent for as long as you can, OP.

When my DH moved in with me and my DCs, he took on financial responsibility for them (we both work and contribute equally before anyone accuses me of gold digging). Which is as it should be.

But then again, I also disagree with the general consensus on here that stepmums should not be expected to look after or indeed have anything to do with their DH's DCs.

You either live together and work together in partnership which includes caring for and supporting DCs or you live apart and maintain separate finances/lives.

OP, if your DP is not prepared to support you and your DS financially, then I would suggest not moving in with him.

People can't have it both ways. You cant expect to have the financial security of being in a live in relationship with a full time working man and then expect the State to pay as well.

@Marni83

Don’t op Just don’t

Just crack on living with your son

I’m a single parent
No intention of moving any man in to my children’s homes until they’re 18.

I can guarantee your son would prefer to just be with you

How long have you been with this guy anyway?

100% this.

Keep it just you and your son.

My now DH came into my life when I was a single parent on benefits, with a 2 and 4yo. Once I knew it was serious he took them both on as his own, moved in and supported us fully. We are now 6 years down the line and both pulling in money, however all our finances continue to be shared and he has parented with me, supported us and generally that I picked the right man from the beginning!

I wouldn't have moved in with someone who wasn't willing to accept my children as his own. I never expected it or even asked it of DH but he felt it was the right thing to do and his family have accepted the children as their own too. If your chap isn't willing to contribute financially when in reality moving in together means he will be taking on a parenting role then he isn't worth investing in IMO and I think you should move on. Find yourself someone who would be horrified to see you or the kids going without while he had a load of money in the bank. Who sees the children as his own and willingly invests time and money into parenting and supporting them.

These threads are always the same. If a woman moves in with a man and kids she is strongly advised not to pay for the kids and not to do child care unless she wishes. To the extent she’s told to ltb if he expects it.

A man moves in with a woman with kids, he should be paying for the children and doing child care and she’s every right to expect it.

If you can’t afford to live together, then don’t. It sounds harsh but it’s the unfortunate truth.

So, if moving in with your partner makes you financially worse off then don’t do that to yourself and your child. Me and my partner are not moving in together until we both can do so on a fairly equal footing and neither of us lose out financially (he would at present lose some benefits but he won’t be receiving them in the future as he will be earning more and then we will have the option to move in together when we want to).

@Bluntness100

These threads are always the same. If a woman moves in with a man and kids she is strongly advised not to pay for the kids and not to do child care unless she wishes. To the extent she’s told to ltb if he expects it.

A man moves in with a woman with kids, he should be paying for the children and doing child care and she’s every right to expect it.

Exactly this!!

As a pp said, just don't move in. I've been with my dp 5 years. We have no intention of living together for another decade until my kids are grown. If you were working and financially stable then maybe it could work but losing your UC means he'd have to support you and I can understand why that's not palatable. Maintenance from your ex I'm assuming wouldn't be enough alone and anyway that's the the dc, not you. YOu can have a relationship and not move in.

Just want to say thanks for all the responses. Some really interesting thoughts there and I'm going to think it all through carefully now, and discuss it with my partner before we move forward.

Does he not pay rent or bills at the moment or something?

He’s not going to be able to continue his ‘frugal’ lifestyle if he lives with you as a part of a family especially if you will lose your UC.

Obvious to me sorry, continue the relationship from separate homes!