Hi TwinklyfLightAttendant.
Some thoughts:
It may seem obvious but I think it helps to choose realistic relationships to start with, i.e. where you are of a similar age, similar background, as little baggage as is realistically possible, not a long distance relationship, someone who is able to and does function in society in terms of work, social life, etc.. This is to avoid as much of the stresses and strains that can impact on a relationship and make people behave badly.
To avoid someone who doesn?t have bad habits. You may not see this straight away when he is trying to impress you but it won?t be long before the heavy drinking, or whatever, becomes apparent.
To choose someone who might not be the most exciting, sexy, charmer but who, on balance, has a lot going for them and who is kind and considerate. The chances are that the reason that the exciting, sexy charmer is still single is because he's the love 'em and leave 'em type.
Also, his friends and family are a good clue - if he doesn?t seem to have any or doesn't want you to meet them. Or if you meet them and they are a bit cold or ignore you. This isn?t necessarily because they don?t like you ? it could be because they have seen a stream of girls flow in and out of his life and they can't be bothered to show interest in and get to know another one who most likely won't last.
I also think I used to convince myself it was a misunderstanding. That if I could only express myself properly and get my point across in the right way, he would realise that I wasn't being difficult. I'm not perfect but he was deliberately misunderstanding me in order to keep me wrong-footed, control me and make me behave how he wanted me to.
Don't doubt your instincts or think you are imagining things. Yes, you don?t want to come across as insecure but, if he's caring, he will want to talk it through and reassure you.
I read an article in a newspaper about someone who had deliberately had a child on her own by sperm donor. There was a comment by a married woman, criticising her, and the gist of it was about all these silly women who waste their lives and fertility on Mr Right-Now instead of Mr Right and then end up with no-one to have a child with, too late, too old, the best men are taken. It was very smug and judgmental but she did say that, all her adult life, when she was dating, at the first sign of a red flag, she finished the relationship. I think there is something in that. Maybe it is low self esteem that makes us spend so long pursuing relationships that were flawed from pretty near the start. It's hard when you are attached to someone to let go of them. It is easier to carry on in the hope that things will get better.
Meet someone through a shared activity or sport club or whatever. Or someone from a local pub that other people know and can recommend. Get to know them slowly as a friend before you start going out with them. Then you will already know something of their character and the way they interact with other people and are less likely to get hurt by nasty surprises. As a single mother who can?t get out much due to lack of babysitters, internet dating sites seem like a good way of meeting men but I?m sure they?re also the easiest place for the real creeps to meet women because it is so anonymous.
As single mothers, we are prone to attracting losers and abusive men. I don't see any point in pretending otherwise. So, it means you have to be even more vigilant. It's better to be on your own than with someone who will make your life worse, not better.
So, I would say (with painfully acquired hindsight) there is no foolproof way, at the beginning of a relationship, of knowing someone is a good bet but you might shorten the odds of success by choosing wisely and then getting out at the first sign of trouble. And, the sooner you introduce each other to your families and friends and see how you work together as a couple in the real world, the sooner you will find out if it's for real.