How do you deal with the chronic, ongoing stress of being a LP (without support)

[daysofmuffins]

I'm constantly trying to keep all the balls in the air.

• tidy house
• cook
• clean
• declutter
• work
• life admin
• school run & associated admin
• school clubs
• keep DS happy, exercised

I don't have family nearby and no-body can pick up the balls if I drop them. I see friends relatively rarely and cannot rely on them for support (have asked). I've tried to grow my friendship group, make friends with parents and kids, join community groups etc with very limited success.

The ongoing stress is having a chronic impact on my health. I suffer from inflammatory disorders which can go rapidly downhill. GP no help.

I'm on the waiting list for NHS MH support, but other than that I'm a bit at a loss of what to do, having tried pretty much everything.

I just wondered if others can relate to this, and had any tips for how they manage the stress. I've been doing it 8 years now, sometimes better than others, but sometimes it just creeps up on me and wham, I really struggle and it comes out in weird ways e.g. hairloss or skin issues or whatever. Thanks for reading.

Try and make everything as organised as possible and get the kids to pitch in. Meal plan in evenings and online shop. Try and cook double and freeze so you always have a few 'one I prepared earlier' meals for days you can't be arsed. If the kids aren't already in a good bedtime routine get them in one so you have time to yourself in the evenings. Even if they're old enough to have later bedtimes have a rule that they need to be in their rooms and have said goodnight by x time ( it's 7.30-8 here). No breakfast until they're dressed for school, no telly in the mornings, have a box where they keep school shoes/ bags/ stiff they need to take in so there's no rushing around in the mornings. Be strict on them picking up after themselves. Use the organised mum method for cleaning, it really helps. Walk to school if possible, to exercise whilst doing something essential. Don't go overboard on kids clubs. Pick those that fit with your routine. Keep a diary for life admin dates so you know when insurances etc are up and flag up a few weeks before so you can look for deals etc in your child free evenings ( because they're in bed). It's tough op but you can do this.

I have been alone for 5 years now, I have 4 children (2 with asd) and no help from family (their father is not involved through his own choice) although I have family local they would never help (like you I have asked) the only thing I look forward to is them growing up, it’s really hard when you are fully on your own and I struggle to relate to other single parents with exes involved.

Hi @Redwinestillfine, thank you for your kind ideas. In all honesty I am super organised but it really is the constancy of needing to stay on the ball all the time that is my issue. I do the calendars reminders, plan ahead, do everything online etc etc. I have daily multiple email or phone reminders to do things... I do wonder if I need to take the foot off the pedal in some ways. But when I do everything falls apart. It's so tough.

@PumpkinKlNG thank you for replying and sorry to hear things are tough your end also. That sounds really hard! Do you get any respite time when they are at school?

With regards to respite do you prioritise time to do things you enjoy when they're at school or in the evening (even just 19 minutes sitting in the sun, coffee and cake or reading or something) even the small things can help re- energise. It must be really tough if you feel you have to keep pedalling.

My youngest is starting school in September so this will be the first time I’ve been away from them all for any amount of time in 4 years! Looking forward to it but will probably feel lost without them at the same time

I learned to accept that I would drop a ball every so often.
The house was not as tidy as I would have liked it to have been, we are a lot of quick easy pasta meals. I always ensured DD was fed, had clean clothes and felt listened to. As soon as I could afford it I got a cleaner -this made a massive difference.
DD understands I have chronic health conditions and sometimes things are a struggle.
I suppose my take away message is don't beat yourself up about the things you didn't achieve focus on the the things you did achieve.

I am with lonecat, I have to accept it wasn't always going to great. I would fail. And it would be ok. At one point I became so ill trying to stay on top of it all, I went on long term sick leave from work.

I took off 4 months and that time helped me admit, the job I enjoyed just wasn't working. I was lucky in tbe fact that I did have job options that were willing to take me without judging me too much for long term sick.

I also changed ds school to the one across the road from the house. The reduction of time for the school run, really really helped.

I found its easier to do small bits each day so not letting the washing basket get too full. I only ever buy clothes for me that don't need ironing. That's just one example.

And sometimes we didn't nothing and didn't even get dressed on a weekend. Because that's what we needed.

Take joy in the small things and that could literally be that you all survived the day. sounds really twee, but sometimes that's the most you can hope for.

Most of all and something I didn't do until I got ill, please be kind to yourself. Don't get too down on yourself because it's not been the best day. Remember you are doing your best.

I am in a completely different position now. But I still remember how hard things were. You just have to do what you can accept you can't do it all, all the time.

I have been a single parent for many years.
I am not naturally organised and our house is tiny, so we don’t have a freezer, dishwasher or tumble dryer. I have no family support and DC have little and sporadic contact with their fathers - I had a second, disastrous marriage. I relate to the health impact and my social life has dwindled to nothing over the years because I have had no childcare and no time. I do berate myself quite a lot that I should be managing better but how? There are a limited number of hours in the day and I have exhausted a lot of strength and money in legal fees ensuring DC are safe and well after what happened with my second marriage.

I have just taken on a management role at my work and honestly, I should have realised it was a mistake - having had sole responsibility for DC and keeping us afloat in many ways for many years, I don’t want any more responsibility, I want a rest! On the other hand, I do see it as something I am doing for me to get my career back on track.

But I suppose how I cope is that I mostly believe in what I am doing and get on with it. If you start to believe you cannot cope or it is not worthwhile, you are sunk. I did once think that the day I would have everything in order and well-organised would be once my DC had left home and actually that gets there in the blink of an eye (oldest DD is off to university this year). So it is really important to make time for DC and all of you as a family doing things you enjoy, more important than everything is tidy all of the time or your de-cluttering keeps up (I was supposed to do a big clear out this summer). The other thing is that it gets easier as they get older.

Second thing, have something which is important to you - I don’t find much time to do it, but I enjoy gardening. Even an hour is good for me and I enjoy looking at the (slow) progress I am making. So I think it is important to have something for you. Pre-covid, I used to take my laptop to a local cafe once a week when DC were at school and have breakfast and get on with my work in a different environment. So I was still moving things on, but in a way that also treated me.

Third thing, cut yourself some slack. My house does not look like I would like because a) money is tight and b) I don’t have the time. I am just constantly chipping away at it and making sure the main things are done. I do think you need to prioritise to make a bit of time for yourself. Is there anything which is nice but not necessary you can take out of your daily reminders? Your health is important.

Fourth thing, lots and lots of coffee!

Fifth thing, don’t look at everyone else in couples or nice, tidy houses and think their lives are so much better. They might be or they might not be.

There are some great tips here - at the moment everything feels a huge struggle so just looking around on threads for help.

I am going to prioritise getting ds8 into bed earlier this week to set us up for going back to school & giving me my evenings back. I really like the idea of being in his room by 8 and staying there. Starting point is fixing the blind in his room so he can sleep in it (rather than my bed...)