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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

How to cope once shock has worn off?

11 replies

SleeplessInTheStaceym11House · 30/11/2007 21:41

Right so a couple of months ago find out dh owed nearly 20k i didnt know about, tried to work through it but he kept lying to me about money and i couldnt stand it anymore.

so now he's moved back to his mums and i'm on my own. How do i cope doing everything myself? He's had the kids once in just over a month and im close to breaking!

What do single people do? i seem to just float around feeling sorry for myself!

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blanki · 30/11/2007 23:06

Stacey, sounds like you have plenty to feel sorry about, and not just for yourself. I am also separated and it is so tough, never what I would have chosen for myself, or my child. I am now so aware that we do not live in a fairy tale world, and life is not filled with 'happy ever after's' Basically, I know that our life could be much worse, but compared to others, we are happy. In fact, we are happy, we just have different circumstances to most 'regular' famalies. Bit garbbled, but hope it helps.If not, lets chat.....

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SleeplessInTheStaceym11House · 30/11/2007 23:31

i think whats worse is how its affecting dd (3yo) shes started waking in the night and wanting to be with me, wetting on the sofa when shes been dry for months and randomly asking 'where's daddy?' when even tho he was living here he was working 7 days a week so se rarely saw him anyway.

broke my heart when i overheard her saying to a friend 'my daddy lives at nanny jo's house'

(note to self - alcohol does not help mood)

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Tinkerbel5 · 01/12/2007 16:53

your ex needs to help out more, are amicable are the two of you ? maybe you can ask for the extra help, what about the grandparents are they able to help you out ?

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Judy1234 · 01/12/2007 17:45

It's hard. My ex has two of the children for about 2 hours a week, never more and I work full time. Some fathers have children very other week or half the week. There's a huge variety of ways parents choose to be involved and you can't force them to help.

Could you speak to his mother about having them every other weekend for example?

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agnesnitt · 03/12/2007 19:13

How to cope? I've found auto-pilot to be quite effective. I hope things get better for you

Agnes

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coldtits · 03/12/2007 19:21

How old are they, Stacey?

you may find, depending on their age, that they can do more for themselves than you thought of asking them to do ... ds1 is four, and quite capable of fetching his own clothes from upstairs and putting them on, or loading the tumbledrier and putting it on. Ds2 is 19 months, and will pick up toys with encouragement. UHT milk in the cupboard is a bloody lifesaver, ditto bread in the freezer, frozen veg etc. School dinners have saved my panic a few times, in that I know he has HAD a hot meal, so if I just chuck scrambled egg on toast and a banana at him, he'll be fine.

Better to cope with everything yourself, and know what you have to do, than be constantly wondering what is going to surprise you next.

You have any family for help? Could you just ring him and say "You are having the children every other weekend - I will bring them on Friday. If you are not there I will leave them with your mother."

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MaryBleedinPoppins · 03/12/2007 19:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SleeplessInTheStaceym11House · 03/12/2007 20:19

thanks for the replies, sorry not been on a lot.

they are 3yo and 1yo, and cant do a lot of themselves just yet.

dd will do some stuff herself but its not often, and a lot more often now shes saying 'mummy help me'

im just finding it all sh*t. doing everything on my own. hate it hate it hate it!

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agnesnitt · 03/12/2007 23:13

Doing everything alone is depressing, but in years to come you can look back in satisfaction and know that you did it, and yes you did it alone but damn did you do it well.

Agnes

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Tinkerbel5 · 04/12/2007 18:29

sleepless have you considered getting a part-time nursery place for them and spending that time doing whatever you have to do in the house or even spend it on yourself, single parents cope cause they have too and you will too once everything has settled down a bit, what about his mum surely she would want to spend more time with the children, can you not ring her and come to some kind of access arrangement ?, you never know your ex might be telling her a different story like you arent letting him have the children more often.

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MeMySonAndI · 04/12/2007 18:39

Oh well, ExH moved out just a few weeks ago but I have found that having a routine is helping me to keep my head above the water.

DS has not been as upset as we thought he would be, however, I have relaxed some rules to make him feel a little bit more secure. He is sleeping with me for the time being, and has gone back to his comforter.

I'm sorry, I park DS in front of the TV for 1/2 hour while I cook the dinner, after dinner I sort whatever we are going to wear on the next day, leave bags packed, give him a bath, etc.

I go to sleep when he goes to sleep (8ish) and wake up at 6. That is my free time, when I can do some exercise (yoga/pilates via video, not perfect but better than nothing), read, potter around with things that interest me, and at 7 I head to the kitchen, prepare whatever we are having for breakfast and take out of the freezer whatever we are having for dinner. And then wake up DS.

It seems too much like an early rising but being able not to panic with hurry in the morning has kept my days reasonably under control.

HTH.