shall i let my 41/5yr old go and live with dad?

[bebopallula]

I worn out and don't know what to do for the best... i have written my situation in the section father lives 150 miles away, please read it and offer some help/advice!! i apologize its very long.. and i posted it twice! it's like i'm functioning on old worn out batteries these days...Please help, it's such a huge and difficult decision.

i don't know. no-one can answer that except you. it must be hard when you are so tired, alone and low.

do you have any support?

homestart? surestart?

family and friends?

if your DS is at school, then a move is a big upheaval.

sounds more like you need some short term respite rather than your child away from you permanently.

how do you think it would affect your son?

it would be a big move, how often would you be able to see him?

i imagine it would be very difficult to get residency again, if you allowed his father residency now?

reading that other post, i don;t see that you giving up your son will do anything other than hurt you both even more.

Sounds like your son needs a bit of councelling as he hasnt got over your split, it might be benefitical to go to your gp and arrange something. I wouldnt give your son up as I thinks it something that your ex wants you to do so is encouraging your son's aggressive behaviour, if anyhting I would be inclined to reduce the contact, I cant see how encouraging your son to bully is in his best interest, it certainly wont help him in school. I think you need to chat with your ex and tell him that its not acceptable behaviour and set up some kind of punishment system with your son when he behaves like that, you need to toughen up a bit and be strong, I also thinks it one big game to your ex to wear you down as much as possible, down let him do it and dont let him take your son away.

Your youngest son's father sounds like an idiot, and I cannot see how in any way it would be better for a preschooler to be sent to live with a man who fails to set boundries and actively encourages aggression.

Your son doesn't need a punishment regime, he needs the message to be LOUD AND CLEAR that his behavior is unacceptable. He is not too old to time out, and I find this very effective with my own boy of 4.5. 4 minutes in his room, on his own, and an apology when he comes out.

It's normal (and I do not mean acceptable) for him to make threats like (my son)"I am gonna kick your head until it 'splodes!" or (Franny's son) "I am going tocut off your head, and eat it, and then I will poo it out on the floor!" or (friend's son) "I am going to pop your eyeballs with a balloon popper!"

It doesn't mean he's disturbed and shouldn't live with you, it means he is four and angry. Does he go to school? Talk to his teacher.

god, its actually made me cry! i'm so glad there's some sanity out there... i think you've both got some valid points and it would be a good idea to get some help for ds unfortunately i don't have much support, i do need a break and regular time to myself, this is why it's not an easy option to reduce time spent with dad as i need the break, but it is counterproductive! I have discussed the behaviour with his dad but he does as he pleases, lots of things are treated lightheartedly. I've heard of suresatart and chimneys but feel bit embarassed to go,i know thats stupid..it would prob help a lot, i usually end up offloading on my brother or mum who are helpful but families aren't always the best for advice. my DS has just started part time school and full time in jan. it would be a huge change for him if we decided it was better for him, but could have a trial in summer hols to see? i don't know, ultimately i don't want to give him up, but if our situation does'nt improve i will need to consider all of us and that means me and my eldest son. Ds2 is different and more challenging than DS1 so it is harder. If he did go to ex i guess i would see him every other week,i'd be worried about him though and prob heartbroken. unless my ex takes this seriously and starts to support me and our son in the right way, i honestly don't think our lives will improve unless,as you say see less, but i not sure i got the energy left to do it full time. It does feel a bit like a game to wear me down i felt that when he moved 90miles away, he's hoping to get him and believes his lifestyle is better as not in city and has made this clear to me and our ds in subtle ways. I do send ds to room when bad behaviour and am firm but he knows i am quite soft really and has learnt the right buttons to press, thank you for the advice, i really appreciate it.

I go to surestart, they are full of mothers of small children because it's free! You don't have to be SS referred, although some are, a lot just turn up and you aren't treated any differently o anyone else. they are fine places! He sounds just exuborent!

Being a single mum is hard! I have good days and bad days with my lot. Today i am having a bad day, as my 3 year old started attacking me in the nursery, and i had to get my friend and a teacher to pull her off me!
It sounds quite funny when i read it, but i was very very upset.
Kids say all sorts of things, and they don't mean it, i bet if you put a post on here, you would hear loads!
I agree with colditz about time out, because sometimes they just need to calm down,
Have you ever been really angry, and said and done things that you wouldn't normally, I know i have!
I have been reading Toddler Taming, by Dr Christopher Green, and i have found it is really helping, my neighbour comented to me the other day that my house is a lot quieter than before.( i am normally shouting loads)
Niece

Thing is, your son isn't doing anything abnormal for a four year old boy. And although you do need to consider the 15 year old to an extent, you don't need to consider him as much as you do the four year old. You can't send him to live with his dad, there is no way he'll perceive this as anything less than a rejection - I'm sorry. You sound so frustrated. I know they are hard work.

Your 15 year old is old enough to have a couple of hours with you while the little one is in bed (8pm at the latest IMHO at his age) - you should be concentrating most of your parenting efforts on the little one while he is awake. Sorry to be harsh, but you can't send a small child away for the good of a much older one, if the small one will get no benefit at all.

Read your other thread, Sounds like an angry DS2 there. Sounds like he hasn't got over the split, and maybe does want to be with Dad more, or with Dad.

I personally don't think you should give up, though its easy to, when the clouds are all around.

Also without knowing your circumstances, its possible that with you feeling more "upto here" with DS2, that gets fed back to DS2 and he then behaves more angry. Splitting up your DC will result I think in more resentment.

You need to be able to break this. Need to be able to put everything on hold and concentrate on DCs and let them know that, although this is easier said than done.

Maybe counselling for DS2 (or even for you about DS2) would help. And maybe - however hurtful - more time with Dad might help. And how you do behave with Dad, that too could be influencing Ds2.

Sorry cannot be more help.

when it's put like that, ex sounds a really bad influence, he is in this way and in his denial of problems. He's not the classic aggressive macho type he can be gentle and caring, he loves sport like rugby and cricket and allows our ds to be quite rough with him but it is too much for me and other ds as he is strong for his age.. but dd makes his aggression seem like fun. (when i told him he had kicked the cat in anger because i had told him off, his dd said in a silly voice, don't kick the cat you little bugger!) what am i to do??! perhaps he himself as a child had a lot of energy/aggr, and can relate? he himself has been through divorce and was seperated from his three sisters who went to live with their dad, he stayed with his mum and step father,i think he went off the rails a bit, so there's some issues, could explain reasons behind his behaviour and wanting to take on being the carer. he doesn't have a good relationship with his own mother, in fact she's emotionally cut off. I've talked a bit about this at relate but i think it scared him off, even when i suggested we go for ds sake, when we split. he does like to ignore things. i do punish ds, i send to room but he keeps coming out i may have to lock the door for a few minutes till he calms down and apologises as he still gets my attention. He is an angry little boy and wants his dd approval i wish his dd could realise, i have said, it is difficult to remain on friendly terms as he is always letting me down. no probs at school,like the funny stories of the kids! they do think of some mad stuff i know i should put it in perspective, thanks

exuborent! i like that, colditz, i will check out surestart sounds ok.
i am frustrated with the situation and could do with a break and company, it feels like too much to cope with as i'm also trying to run my own business!

niece, reading your experience did make me laugh,although i'm sure it wasn't that fun for you! the book sounds good, i could do with a bit of peacefulness in our house.

wildfish, there's no easy answer i know, but it helps getting some feedback, i do need to do something quality with DC and let some of those nagging pressures slip away.. mine and ex communication is up and down, unfortunately for ds1

Tinkerbel5 thanks, and to everyone else! perhaps some counselling would help, for little one and me... having had a couple of days to think about all this waffle i've offloaded on u, i realise i'm thinking way too much about my ex and need to focus on making our lives better here.

i was pre-menstrual, which wasn't helping and the tension was rising, kids pick up on it and behave worse! things are better than they were and we've been having a laugh and i have been getting on top of pressing matters

i really appreciate everyone's help and advice it is a great comfort to know that i can talk to other mums and get honest opinions...

i don't want to seperate my kids and am feeling more confident to face the future,thanks to you. i know it will be a challenge balancing time between boys, as my 15yr old still needs my support and input regarding school work etc. although he can look after himself, he is at an equally crucial stage of his development

i don't want to be 'the nagging mum' i want to spend quality time with both but the age difference makes it difficult. ds1 and i enjoy a game of badminton but no creche after 4pm for ds2, know of anywhere? prob after school club better?

glad you are feeling more positive, an after school club would be ideal for your youngest or you could contact your local council and ask for details of child minders as some of them offer babysitting services aswell, wish you well x