Advice required from a child psychologist/councillor – how to avoid abandonment issues

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi there,

I need some advice please. My daughters father left me when I was pregnant to move to Australia. He lived abroad for 6 years, contact was made 3 years into him leaving and slowly the relationship between himself and our daughter was built up over facetime. Earlier this year he decided to move back to the UK. I allowed my ex to start seeing his daughter face to face, stupidly I thought it would be a good idea to give him another chance. He has mental health issues, such as anxiety which spiralled out of control before he left for the UK. I had hoped that over the years he would have sought help and grown up. But this isn’t the case.

Initially I thought my ex would be staying for the long-term, but it looks like he yet again has his sights set on moving back to Australia. To say I am angry is an understatement. My ex still wants to see our daughter, and I feel it’s important whilst he is here that the relationship is continued but at a distance and not too frequently so as to avoid any abandonment issues when he does leave. My initial thoughts is that he sees her every 3 weeks for half a day? In between these visits he has weekly facetime conversations which will be more like what she will have to get used to when he does leave.

I know some will say don’t let her see him at all. But I think this isn’t the answer. She needs to spend some time with her father, but it has to be balanced so she doesn’t feel his absence to badly when he leaves.

Any advice on this please?

It's inevitable that she will miss him imo. You need a chat with him about how he plans to make contact work from Australia. I know that their borders are tightly controlled so he couldn't come and go (between UK and Oz) even if he was able to
Does he have a suitable place nearby for an overnight stay ? Presumably she is comfortable enough with him to do that ?

They will continue the relationship via FaceTime which they did before he came back to the uk. It would have been better if it stayed that way rather than face to face for a short period of time.

I'm guessing your daughter is 6 years old? So quite young to understand the concept of time. Is she enjoying the meet ups with her father? Or is she ambivalent?
I think gentle honesty is required, so mentioning to her that he may move back so it's not a big shock.
Children deal best with endings when they know what is happening. Once he has a date you could have a simple calendar and help her count down to him leaving.
It's important that she can trust you and know that you will always be there and not leave too.
Perhaps some storybooks about parents who live apart would help.
CBeebies Waffle the Wonder dog has a girl character who has never met her father because he left when the mum was pregnant, he lives abroad and comes back to visit.
Try not to limit contact when he is here unless it's very detrimental to her well-being.

Hi Helen,

Thanks for your response. Yes she really enjoys seeing her dad, but the majority of the time they have spent together has always been with me. So I think in order for them to comfortably spend time together alone it needs to be done slowly, for shorter amounts of time and gradually build up from say 2-3 hours to longer.

What are you thoughts with regards to him seeing my dd fortnightly versus every three weeks? My main concern is to minimise abandonment so I thought less visits would be better?

I think fortnightly would be fine, it's a long time for a 6 year old.
When counselling children we see them weekly for 50 minutes. A bond can grow quite quickly with regular sessions.
The key is to prepare for an ending. So very gently discussing when they will stop seeing each other. Having a calendar to count down. Making goodbye cards and perhaps giving a gift.
Endings can be difficult but it's a really good life lesson.