How do you cope when your ex is awful at handover?

Pinkyxx · 16/08/2021 17:57

I don't respond to comments made, and instead I speak to our child directly as if he'd said nothing. In short I completely ignore his nonsense. I've found it helps to diffuse & avoid further unpleasant words. Alternatively, I say good bye at the door and DD walks to his car herself.

StarDrawers · 16/08/2021 18:01

They are old enough to walk from the door to the car themselves. If DS14 doesn't want to go then the others can say it's just us two today dad.

See if that works? I can't believe he thinks kicking off like that is going to make them want to see him!

StarDrawers · 16/08/2021 18:02

I would make sure it doesn't become up to the ones who do go to keep passing messages though. Our DSC's mum does that and oldest DSC forgets or DH thinks its the sort of message their mum should have text him herself.

pinkyredrose · 16/08/2021 18:05

Do you need to be there at handover? They're old enough not to need you there until the dad takes them.

PumpkinKlNG · 16/08/2021 18:22

I was going to say they are old enough to go alone surely? At 11 kids travel to school alone so unless he lives really far etc?

Original poster

StroppyTop · 16/08/2021 18:46

@Pinkyxx

I don't respond to comments made, and instead I speak to our child directly as if he'd said nothing. In short I completely ignore his nonsense. I've found it helps to diffuse & avoid further unpleasant words. Alternatively, I say good bye at the door and DD walks to his car herself.

Thank you - completely ignore his nonsense is good advice.

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Original poster

StroppyTop · 16/08/2021 18:50

@StarDrawers

I would make sure it doesn't become up to the ones who do go to keep passing messages though. Our DSC's mum does that and oldest DSC forgets or DH thinks its the sort of message their mum should have text him herself.

Usually they would walk to the car but this was a trip with more gear involved so I was helping. But you’re right, I need to step away.

And he always makes arrangement through the children despite being asked not to. He is an expert in making other people responsible for his stuff and in not treating the DC appropriately to their age (endlessly ‘confiding’ in and emotionally leaning on DD2 because she’s a lovely girl who just wants to help).

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Original poster

StroppyTop · 16/08/2021 18:52

@PumpkinKlNG

I was going to say they are old enough to go alone surely? At 11 kids travel to school alone so unless he lives really far etc?

He moved 30 miles away so it’s always a car journey.

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chocolatesaltyballs22 · 16/08/2021 18:55

I stopped letting my ex step foot inside my doorstep once my daughter was old enough to walk down the garden path herself and get into his car. Told him to not even come in the garden and just text that he was here. Same in reverse - drop her at his gate, watch her go in and then leave. Don't give him the power. You have no need to communicate with him other than to make basic arrangements. If he tries to drag you into an argument, ignore.

I know it's difficult but I had years of this before I wised up and realised I didn't have to take his shit any more.

DickDastardly · 16/08/2021 18:56

I'd make sure I was satisfied that everything was in order in the hallway - so bags packed, bits and pieces with them etc - and then I'd let them open the door and walk out on their own.

And if he did happen to catch me and start mouthing off I'd just say 'hmmm' to anything and then busy myself with seeing off the kids

It's really important when dealing with these low life's not to give them any chink in the armour. Your children are getting to an age where you don't need to see him much at all.

Either they or I'd arrange a friend or family member to be there too. That would lessen the chance of him behaving like this.

But really, best way forward is to ignore him and not rise to any of it. A few 'uh huh' type comments if you just but nothing else

BewareTheBeardedDragon · 16/08/2021 18:58

We communicate through text/email only. I refuse to make any arrangements in any other way so he has no choice (though my dc are younger)
I try not to engage at handover apart from v short replies, refute if he accuses me of something and then 'you can email me' on repeat while doing whatever needs doing with dc so that I can leave.

DickDastardly · 16/08/2021 18:58

And yes, mine makes arrangements through our 14 year old. Absolutely pointless for him to do this as said 14 year old is a bit dippy so either fails to relay stuff to me or just gets it wrong

I ignore all of it. I give him no access to me at all. I've been doing this for quite some years now but should have done it earlier

Get him stopped now.

Anordinarymum · 16/08/2021 19:03

@StroppyTop

XP just left with DDs 11 and 15 to take them on a short holiday. DS 14 didn’t want to go - he doesn’t want to see his dad much.

XP was furious and accused me, in front of the girls, and anyone else who happened to be passing, of saying things against him in order to make DS not want to see him. DD1 tries to take her Dad’s side and DD2 just retreats into herself and looks like she wants the earth to swallow her.

I tried to reply calmly that I don’t do that but just got shouted down.

Of course, the opposite is true - XP has a lot of form for badmouthing me to the DC, but I have never done that to him because it only hurts the children. I reserve my true thoughts about him for selected good friends.

So how do other people manage this kind of behaviour in practice? He never agrees to talk apart from at handovers, I feel like there is no point trying to change his behaviour because that ship has sailed and I can’t stop him seeing the children because DDs want to and I would just get blamed for being the awful one.

What’s the right line to take?

Why did your daughter take her father's side if everything you say is true OP?

Original poster

StroppyTop · 16/08/2021 19:25

You are all so right - I need to disengage even more and stop giving him the chance.

@Anordinarymum She tried saying things like ‘yes, you should get DS to go to Dad’s more’. She sides with him because a. He’s done a fairly good job of convincing her that I’m the baddie and he’s the innocent party, and b. She knows I’m solid and will always be there for her no matter what she throws at me while he is the less secure relationship (sees him EOW, he’s unreliable, he flakes out of arrangements, etc).

Thank you all, your replies have been really helpful.

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Starlightstarbright1 · 16/08/2021 20:54

I think it is important whilst don't bad mouth you also should defend herself. The 14 year old is old enough to make his own mind up.. He may need support.

Anordinarymum · 16/08/2021 22:20

So he paints you as the baddie and your daughter knows you are not yet she still takes his side.

He's fucked his children up.

It's time you stuck up for yourself I think

Original poster

StroppyTop · 17/08/2021 09:14

@Starlightstarbright1

I think it is important whilst don't bad mouth you also should defend herself. The 14 year old is old enough to make his own mind up.. He may need support.

Yeah, I do stand up for myself and am getting better at doing that whilst not getting drawn into a slanging match. Practise makes perfect…

DS and I do talk about why he doesn’t want to go - he’s not the most expressive child about his emotions but I think he feels uncomfortable around his dad but probably can’t put his finger on why. I tell him that it’s fine by me whatever he wants to do.

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Original poster

StroppyTop · 17/08/2021 09:21

@Anordinarymum

So he paints you as the baddie and your daughter knows you are not yet she still takes his side.

He's fucked his children up.

It's time you stuck up for yourself I think

Yep, this is my concern. I left him because of his anger and utter selfishness and because I didn’t want the DC thinking this was a normal relationship.

Obviously, I’ve never done this before - raising three children following a nasty break-up - but I’m trying to follow a line of supporting the DC to see their dad when they want (increasingly difficult as he has moved away and plans to move further) and showing them that I have boundaries and am absolutely solid for them. They may see their dad for what he is in time (I hope).

When you says it’s time I stuck up for myself, what does that look like? I’m interested in others’ opinions because my thinking has been warped by years of bending to fit his moods/passive aggression. (I am having counselling too)

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SD1978 · 17/08/2021 09:27

Mine is now 9- she walks into the house on her own- I don't get out the car and vice versa. Any messages are kept neutral and factual. There's no other way to deal with someone unreasonable

PennyWus · 17/08/2021 09:38

I would hold up one hand, turn aside, and close my eyes when he starts shouting. When he pauses, turn square to him and lower your hand, eyeball him and say in a very cold, deep, parental-authority voice, "I don't appreciate you shouting lies about me in the street in front of our girls. Your outburst is making us embarrassed and uncomfortable. When you are ready to have an adult conversation, you can arrange this with me via a text message. Now, I would like to say goodbye to the girls and wish them a happy time with you, so please let me do that before you upset them."

Then I would break eye contact, ompletely blank him, and turn to the girls with a wonderful smile, and say, "gosh I don't know what that little scene was for, but let's not worry about it now. I want you to go and have a wonderful time with your dad, I'm going to miss you. I'm going to head indoors now. Love you both." Kiss, hug, let them reply then go in the house without another word to ex.

You have to let the girls see you take control and put him in his place, in my opinion.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 17/08/2021 12:58

OP if he's anything like my ex he's looking for a reaction and the way he does this is to try and suck you into his bullshit and engage with him. I know how tempting it is to react if he is saying things which aren't true, but honestly, this is what he wants. Just don't engage. Mine has given up trying to get a reaction now. And yes, your kids will come to realise what he's like in time, unless he changes his behaviour. My daughter wants nothing to do with her dad any more.

Starlightstarbright1 · 18/08/2021 05:57

I think the point i am making is standing up for yourself means not allowing the lies he makes up as true.

Eg.. Dad says you don't care.

He misses how much i love you. How do you know if someone cares about you ?

Dad says .....

Laugh well obviously thats not true.

I don't necessarily mean challenge him directly as it is mainly pointless- grey rock works better. But if you don't challenge the crap he tells them they gave an assumption its true.

But a bright breezy challenge is often better so they don't feel they need to take sides