Co parenting

[Kitdeluca1]

I’m just wanting to know what other people’s custody/visitation agreements are? Court order and civilised agreements.
Me and ex separated a couple of months ago and I’m getting pissed off with the lack of structure. He can’t have them over night because he’s back at his parents, he can’t drive so I’m also doing all the travelling. He works 1 Saturday and 1 Sunday a month on separate weekends and the other weekends off, on the weeks he works a weekend day he gets a day off during the week. He currently has them on a weekend if he’s not working from around 11am until 6pm I obviously pick up and drop off. Some days he has plans so I have to pick them up early and I don’t typically know how long he’s going to have them until the morning of. He will also see them for a couple of hours on his week days off but he usually does his hobby on those days. He did used to come for tea with them and put them to bed when he’s on an early shift but he wasn’t keen on ‘doing all the travelling’ so that hadn’t happened for a while.
I find the lack of structure annoying I can never make plans or do anything when their with him because I never know how long I’ve got. Is this a standard thing do people do this or should there be more structure? I just want to actually co parent because right now I kind of feel like I drop my kids with a baby sitter. Or am I just being really unfair to him? I don’t know...help please?

Hi op

I think structure is good for kids. How old are they?

Sorry pressed post to soon!

We have a court order in place where she is with my OH 60/40 so residency is with my oh. It works really well and she knows when she is coming and going.

Really if he is having them every other weekend then you need to know what weekends they are in advanced and pick up and drop offs should be set times. If he has plans then he will have to work them around the set times he has the children.

The same for the day in the week. He is a parent and no way should you always be working around him. He needs to take some responsibility and keep to the set days and times.

If you can make an arrangement without going through the court proceedings then that would be good as they can be long winded and stressful (well in our case anyway) x

My kids are 2 and 3. I think structure helps them too and being honest it would be nice to have some scheduled time for my self where I can actually make my own plans.
Yes this is what I’m getting at really cus at the minute plans are made fir his self and the kids just have to fit around it and it pisses me off. At most he has them for around 14hrs per week, I know he works but he has plenty of time to his self I don’t know why he can’t commit time to them. But then I don’t know if I felt like that through resentment that he does get to live his life while I’m a full time parent. The relationship broke down because ex didn’t want a family life opposed to going out until 6am most weekends. I try not to be bitter about the situation but it does hurt.
I’d like to keep it a civilised agreement I don’t want to go through the courts unless absolutely necessary.

Today is one of the day’s where he doesn’t want them for the full day he only wants them until 4pm, I’ve mentioned maybe getting some sort of plan put in place but he didn’t take it well. He thinks I’m just pissed off that he’s got plans and I don’t get the full day to myself, I don’t think he understands where I’m coming from at all.

I wouldn't bother with court simply it will mean you are tied to offering him contact. Not him taking it up.

He won't take it well. He likes been able to do what he wants when he wants.

I would say we either come up with a plan or you will decide when children are available and he can accept that or take it to court.

He is basically acting like a child himself.
He is a man, he is their dad. He needs to commit to set days, drop off and pick up times. You are being to kind and if this is how he starts things off I feel he will just keep chopping and changing plans to suit himself.
His plans and hobbies have to fall in around the kids. And if they can't then he doesn't do the hobbies on that day.
I get that is hassle for him to go pick the kids up but maybe he should do one of the journeys either pick up or drop off.
Sounds like he is playing a bit of a mind game saying that you are just jealous he has plans. No you are being a great parent. You know kids need structure. You need structure for you life and so you can have some time to recharge and do something fun.
Sounds like you know his work pattern, so maybe you should just tell him what dates he has the kids and times. Get a joint online calendar that you can both access from your phones.. That would stop him and his silly comments. Put clear instructions like you pick up kids at 10am from my house, I will pick them up at your house at 6pm. Zero wiggle room. Set boundaries or tell him you will have no other option to go to court or mediation.
It's really sad he is putting his plans above time with his kids.
I hope you manage to get things sorted x

Yes he does act like a child it was the reason I asked him to leave, he struggles with putting dad duties before ‘being young’ he’s 29 for reference we’re not exactly teen parents.
My worry is also I’m being too slack and he will only take more and more but I also really don’t want to go to court or mediation. I know that if we have something in writing he will find some way to use it against me, for example a family event or something on his day he’d refuse to swap days with me.
I do know roughly his schedule and I will definitely try the calendar thing but I don’t think me telling him when to have the kids will work for him. That to him would be me controlling him or taking over his life, I know him too well.

My ex started like this. And it was unsettling. I said he had contact eow. Friday teatime to Sunday teatime. No changing non negotiable. If he was 30 mins late I went about my business. And he waits until his next contact.

It took a while but he soon realised I wasn't backing down.

Why can't they stay over. It's not ideal but they can sleep on air bed for one night a fortnight.

I had a chat with him yesterday about commuting so many hours to his kids and he didn’t really see where I was coming from he think by having them more he’s giving me more time to myself and I don’t think he wants that. He doesn’t see why I’d need any time to myself.
The not staying over is more down to the environment, his parents house isn’t the most child friendly in fact it’s probably quite dangerous, their horders and there’s just stuff everywhere.

I just never thought co parenting would be this difficult, when we was together I put up with shit for so long out of fear if we split he’d go for 50/50 and I’d miss them too much. I never thought I’d have to fight him to commit to 14 hours a week with them.