Facts:
-‘Officially’ sees her dad one weekend a month although I’ve been very flexible on this (this was his decision not mine as it’s all he would commit to because of his work)
- We have been separated for 4 years
- We have been divorced for 2 years
- He has a history of emotional abuse, threatening suicide if I leave. Police were called out three times due to this in our relationship, one time my eldest daughter called them)
- never been to court as he agreed together with the separation order when we originally split up 4 years ago.
So my ex has a history of mental health issues but rather than seeking help he manipulates and blames other people for his issues which leads to some extreme examples of emotional abuse.
I left after 15 years going through stages of fear, mental health issues myself being in a coercively controlled relationship, etc etc.
He has two older children one together and the other with another ex. Neither of those speak or associate with their father due to the issues he has caused them.
So the current situation:
My daughter went to her dads for a holiday last week, whilst myself and my current partner when off to York.
My daughter is the biggest defender of her dad and loves him but does not like some of the things he says to her.
We didn’t have any reason to think she was unsafe however as although he was abusive to me he has never been abusive to my daughter other than saying things that she doesn’t like.
This week my daughter said is was more agitated than usual. But it all kicked off when he wanted her to take a picture of him for a dating site, she took two pictures that where not good enough. He became cross and started shouting at her calling her a little S**t etc.
She has autism and can’t cope with stress so she took herself to bed with her headphones on and ring me. Because she walked away be just started on a rampage at her telling her telling her he is suicidal and if she didn’t take a picture it might push him over the edge.
When I ring him he said things like he wants to die and ge can’t afford my daughter anymore so it’s would be easier to disown her etc. Lots of not nice things that made me feel she was not in a safe environment.
I was on the phone waiting for the police as my friend was on her way to get my daughter. He was telling me that I can’t take her away, he’s not letting her go and it will tip him over the edge if she leaves etc etc. I was calm and factual. Repeating I’m not taking her away but she needs to be somewhere calm right now because your not well.
He thankfully let my daughter go with my friend and her partner and I made the 4 hour trip home from York. At which point I still hadn’t got through to the police, as my daughter was safe I rang the doctors instead. I also told his brother who is deeply frustrated as he is not able to help his brother as he won’t let him get near and wants to.
Since then he’s sent me multiple suicidal and abusive texts. I’ve responded with facts or ignored depending. It’s been frightening and upsetting for everyone involved.
So what do I do, next weekend is his weekend. My daughter clearly does not want to go, no way I feel safe if allowing the visit anyway. But as he parent I assume I need more than me to make that decision. He will go up the wall when he knows she’s not coming and we are worried about him coming to the house and being abusive.
Where and who do I need to go to make the decision about next weekend.
Do I need a court order? Or is there something more immediate for situations where one parent is unwell but unable to see that they are not in a fit state to care for a child and the child would be at risk.