Friendships after becoming single mum

[StarBar85]

Did anyone else find that their friendships changed after becoming a single parent?

DH and I separated around 4 months ago now and I'm on my own with 2 children (2 & 4.) He sees the children on his 1 day off a week but apart from that it's just me. I also work 3 days a week.

Since becoming a single mum I've found some of my friends really don't understand. We met through NCT and so have children roughly the same age, except I'm the only one with 2 children. They will moan to me about having to do dinner and bath solo one night because their husband is stuck at work, or try to arrange a weekend away without considering how it would be difficult and expensive for me. One classic line was how there's no excuse to not have "me time", you just fit it in once the kids are in bed! 🤦‍♀️

Did anyone else find this? Or am I being precious? I'm not expecting peoples lives to revolve around my circumstances but I'm finding it difficult right now

I didn't do NCT, so apologies if my opinion is stereotypical but I'm guessing they're mostly couples? I was quite young when I became a single mum so my friends had mostly evaporated when I was pregnant, apart from the genuine ones, but I can imagine things will change based on a different dynamic of couples with a single mum, plus the inevitable comments you're about to experience from ppl who tell you "I'm basically a single Mum too cos hubby works long hours / I'm so jealous of all the rest you get when kids with ex" which makes you want to kill them. Can I suggest gingerbread forums and groups to meet some parents who get it?

You just have to let people have their own struggles without comparison, if they usually don’t do bedtime solo and found it hard then they found it hard, it’s not a competition.
I’m a single parent too but it doesn’t bother me when people say things like they everyone has different lives and different struggles and they’re allowed to moan to their friends without feeling like they can’t because they have it easier

They are all couples so no experience of single mum life from any of them.

You are so right with the comments! After one commented about having to do dinner and bath solo one night the others were all piling on to say she should demand a lie in the next day, he needs to step up etc. Took all my strength not to shout "are you fucking kidding me?!"

I think it's the crushing responsibility they don't get. No you're not "solo parenting" today because at some point another adult will walk through that door.

Thank you for the recommendations of groups etc. Still trying to find my way all this single parent malarkey

@Inim

You just have to let people have their own struggles without comparison, if they usually don’t do bedtime solo and found it hard then they found it hard, it’s not a competition. I’m a single parent too but it doesn’t bother me when people say things like they everyone has different lives and different struggles and they’re allowed to moan to their friends without feeling like they can’t because they have it easier

Thank you for your insight. You are right. I'm hoping that as time passes I'll be able to find myself in this place. I think I'm too raw at the moment and not able to give to other people. Working on it though!

I’m not unsympathetic but I don’t think women in couples should have to do all the work because you are a single parent.

@llamaanddrama I'm not sure where she has suggested women should do it all on their own

After one commented about having to do dinner and bath solo one night the others were all piling on to say she should demand a lie in the next day, he needs to step up etc. Took all my strength not to shout "are you fucking kidding me?

It was this.

Don’t get me wrong, I sympathise with the OP. The husbands in those instances DO need to step up though.

@llamaanddrama

After one commented about having to do dinner and bath solo one night the others were all piling on to say she should demand a lie in the next day, he needs to step up etc. Took all my strength not to shout "are you fucking kidding me?

It was this.

Don’t get me wrong, I sympathise with the OP. The husbands in those instances DO need to step up though.

Totally agree that women shouldn't do it all.

I don't think I explained myself properly. It wasn't to do with husbands stepping up. More the wallowing and "sending massive hugs" to someone who had to do dinner solo with 1 child once. It was treated like such a mammoth task and they couldn't contemplate having to do that and having to get up early the next morning.

Anyway, I think I'm just feeling quite down about my life right now and getting pissed off too easily. Need to redirect those feelings. Will definitely explore forums etc where I can get coping tips from others who have come out the other side

I was a single mum for about 10 years and found the same.
Your saving grace will be finding other single mums who DO understand.

Ah yeah, that’s different

What isn’t you’re down about? I think I’d feel similar but don’t want to presume!

The other thing to remember, OP, is that they have to compromise every day to co-exist amicably, and that won't all be fun.

I've been a single mum since DS was three. By the time he was 10, four of the mums from the primary school had quietly consulted me on how I managed to work full time, wrap around care, money etc.

Don't underestimate yourself. They have more respect for you than you may realise.

@Bookaholic73

I was a single mum for about 10 years and found the same. Your saving grace will be finding other single mums who DO understand.

This. Because so often people don’t get it. You need to find others that do. Or, I have found my support has also come from friends who were raised by single parents and have a huge understanding of what life is like as one.

It’s ok to feel frustrated though