My ex husband walked out on me when I was 5 months pregnant with our second. He had no involvement in my pregnancy and didn't show much interest in the baby until he was a few months old so I felt very vulnerable and unsupported. He sees our eldest though and has been consistent... well apart from when his job changes. Over the past 18 months have been really emotionally abusive to me which had left me with no confidence and just feeling so low about myself. We seem to be OK at the minute, but he has a very up and down personality so it's a constant life of treading in egg shells.
I feel so protective over DS2 after what has happened and as he gets older I have to let go of more time with him as he sees his dad.
Dad doesn't give me adequate child support based on his earnings but I have accepted it because I can't mentally deal with the threats of court and the falling out and vicious words which happened last time I brought it up. I am ok and can manage with this.
I have 0 romantic feelings towards ex. I am so at peace with not being in a couple with him, in fact I'm quite happy in my own and dedicating myself to my children, but part of me still feels so broken and I'm just not sure how to deal with it.
DS 2 stays with dad 2 nights a week. DS 1 doesn't sleep yet but I imagine in a years time he will and I just don't know how I will cope with letting go. I feel so protective over him especially as I've done pretty much everything in my own.
He's a Disney dad, he gets to pick them up and have all the fun and holidays with all his money and energy. I don't want to loose a second of time with them, but I can't help but grieve the fact it's not possible for me to do everything and I feel like I will one day be seen as the boring parent.
I hate that I don't wake up with my son everyday. I hate he goes to his dad and I feel like I know nothing about him when he's there. It just breaks my heart.
I suppose I'm saying I'm so insecure about being a Mum. I know my boys love me and I adore them, but I can't help but just feel like I'm not good enough :(
Anyone else had these feelings?
I had cbt recently and I'm on the waiting list for counciling.
Sorry to ramble.