Hi there,
I really need some help! I separated from abusive ex 5 years ago. I was always flexible and agreeable on contact issues so as not to rock the boat with him, and it was on his terms.
He took me to court in 2019 to "shore things up" when I had met someone. This was a very upsetting time.i had never denied him any time with our son, and was desperate to avoid court. Prior to this I had to involve the police on two occasions and also had advice from Womens Aid and local child services. He usually does what he can to upset Christmas and birthdays.
In September last year, my child suddenly refused to sleep over at his father's house. Until this point, this had been every other weekend and one night a week since child arrangements order agreed up until this point.
Over the following weeks, I met and discussed this with ex and with our child, and child just kept repeating that he didn't want to stay over. Ex just kept getting angry and kept insisting that I force our child to stay overnight with him. It was an awful time for our child, who would get so distressed that he would throw up. He'd go happily during the day but just absolutely refused to stay overnight. I did do what I could to try and persuade him to stay and even tried to encourage him to go in the car but nothing I said would change his mind. Child said that his dad had shouted at him in the car when he didn't want to stay over.
His dad would get angrier and angrier at me, and a couple of times he was abusive and swearing at me over the phone in front of our child whilst he was there in the evenings, and my son would be hysterical in the background. He would then have to bring him home. This situation has gone on for months. He would leave things be and then it would blow up again and he would fly off the handle when I would try and explain that our child wouldn't express what the issue was with overnight staying, and that I couldn't physically force him to stay. Every time the subject comes up, ex gets aggressive and I tell him I can't discuss anything with him when he is aggressive. He always says 'that's just how I am' as a defence for his aggression. He always wants time with our child outside of the court order. He was supposed to let me know by the end of June which week he would like our son for during the summer holidays: he did not do this. He does not call our child on the court appointed times during the weekends that our child is at home with me. I could drone on and on about various things that have happened but to get to my point... I had a message from him this evening to say that on our child's next weekend with him, he's going away overnight, so he has 'planned to drop him home on the Saturday at 4 or 5pm', and then will pick him up again 'around 2pm' on the Sunday.
I know there are people with bigger problems and things to have to contend with and my issue might seem like small fry. I just don't see how he can dictate like this and think I should just accept it. No regard for any plans I may have or if it will actually be okay, just telling me that's what's happening. It just feels so unjust after everything he has done.
Has anyone been in a similar situation?! Can anyone offer any advice? I would be very grateful. Thank you for reading.