Dd's dad and I split informally about 4 years ago and I moved out 4 years ago once finances etc could be untangled. For the most part we coparent well. He pays a fair amount and always splits additional costs like school uniform, trips and activities without question.
He is however slack as when it comes to interacting with her. He is the same with my dsd although fantastic with dss. I always thought it was because dsd had nothing really in common with him interest wise, however dd is obsessed with the same things as her dad and he still ignores her. I am by no means wanting him to be Disney and all about the fun stuff, but he literally does nothing with her. A trip to the shop is considered an outing.
He is lazy, eats crap and no longer exercises so he does struggle to keep up with her. Historically he stays up half the night playing computer games and then stays in bed half the day, he sleeps like the dead and is impossible to raise. This is relevant.
2 years ago dd came home saying she had been on her own from waking up until lunchtime. I queried it with him and he admitted it, dd then said in front of her dad that it wasn't the first time and he often didn't get up with her. I bit my tongue but took her home and then raised hell with him. I stopped him having her overnight until he could prove he could be trusted to act like an adult. She hasn't stayed the night since.
Unfortunately this means that I have not had a night off in 2 years. Dd is now nearly 8, I am beyond exhausted. I work full time and long hours, I am permanently tired. I have put on weight as I don't have time to exercise as I never get time to myself.
He has never asked to return to the overnights.
Dd occasionally asks but usually when she knows that something is happening ie her big sister staying over, popcorn nights etc but day to day doesn't ask about it.
Due to an illness she is on a cocktail of meds and creams which he is shite at keeping on top of so a part of me is happy about maintaining the status quo. It also means she doesn't sleep well, she isn't reliable at sleeping through, she suffers horrific night terrors and has done since being a few weeks old, which he has never heard or woken for. He admits he used to find her in his bed and had no idea when she got in. It is impossible to wake him, I begged him to get help for it when we were together, it was one if the reasons we split. One of the conditions of having her back for overnights was that he sought medical help for his sleep issues. He has not done this, partly due to covid but also because he is lazy ad doesn't prioritise things he really should.
But I am exhausted. I desperately need a break. I haven't had a night off or out in 2 years. I miss my friends, I miss me time. I miss being able to go to bed and not have to worry about what time I would be woken by her screams.
I can't let her stay with him and I am really only here for a moan I think, but how do others cope? My mum always pays lip service with "we'll have her any time" but the second I ask I get shitty moods from her, excuses why they can't and made to feel like the biggest imposition. I have literally asked 3 times and 1 of those was because I needed to go away for work. She helps with childcare while I work so I can't force the issue as I have to work so I need her help there more than a night out. But I am so fed up. Especially when mum will drive 2 hours to my sisters just to baby sit her kids. When my sister has lots of family on the doorstep who regularly have her kids.
Sorry, I am shattered and just needed to grouch to people who might understand (only single parent in my friendship group)