Any one got any advice? Single parent / accusations

[Ele01]

I have looked at a few similar posts but not exactly related to my situation, so I was wondering if anyone could give me some advice / general chat.

I have been accused of being abusive by my ex (no police involvement / no record / nothing related to abuse or even anything) however ex and I separated and I filed for divorce we have a child and as soon as we separated my ex corrected me from me saying ‘our child’ to just ‘your child’ which I found odd...since then a few months on not a word - ex won’t discuss anything about child or even ask how child doing / no care shown whatsoever he won’t even say the child’s name hardly or discuss - so I’m a single parent just doing what I’ve always done been there unconditionally for my child and taking care of them. However if my ex truly thought I was abusive why leave the child to me and not show any care for them?
Would people find this a poor excuse if someone randomly heard this?
I feel like ex has done this on purpose.
Any advice or anyone been through a similar situation? ❤️

Appreciated any advice thank you

Who is he telling that your abusive? What sort of abuse is he accusing you off?
If he's said this with solictors in divorce procedures you need to tell your solictors of his treatment of his child and the emotional abuse he is causing that child be his behaviour (acting like the child doesn't exist)

Abusive to who? Him or your child? wouldn’t give him any head space tbh, he’s not seeing your child so what does that make him?

Accusing the mum of parents alienation/abuse is a common accusation made by deadbeats. It serves 3 purposes: first, people won't ask too many questions because they assume it's sensitive. Second, it hides the fact that they cba. Nobody says that they are too lazy or selfish to continue seeing their child. Finally these people don't know or can't ask you because you're presumably not in their lives.

If he really though you were abusive he would have taken the child or contacted social services because he'd consider the child better off in care than with you.

He's trying to hurt you and being a bad mum/wife is a classic way of trying to get people to think that he was forced to leave rather than him doing it for self serving reasons.

Try not to give him headspace.

He said I was ‘coercive abusive’ to him.
No it was never mentioned in the divorce finance hearing all he said was in the court forms that I financially I could ‘stretch beyond my means’ and had ‘coercive behaviour’ but no word of abuse was ever mentioned.

I divorced him (I was petitioner on his unreasonable behaviour) he was the one that left and then just never saw child again it was that abrupt it went from one day to over next few days gone. And he ignored the child he won’t speak about anything regarding child and started to really distant in a way when he said something about child he would correct me when I saw our child etc he would say ‘your child’ never once has he asked how the child is or nothing - it’s quite cruel .

I don’t know who he is telling but obviously his family and he told his family to stop sending gifts or child etc. His father was supportive at first but since obviously being told to cut off - they have all cut off abruptly from child too as they have been told to. Why would a father tell his family to stop sending gifts to child whats it to do with them I find it incredibly cruel x

I had severe pre cancer made me very ill physically and mentally and requires several operations last year as you can imagine it left me completely distraught I was really poorly it affected me mentally also and I felt I had no help hardly he was not a hands on father so during my illness I had to fully take care of my child on my own sort of speak even though he was here and of course I did because child is my life - it affected me so bad mentally too (mental health) thinking at first I was going to die and leave my child etc and if you want to call it maybe it was like a nervous breakdown? I couldn’t have sex for a year hardly because of problems in my private from the operations it took a whole year to get somewhat normal so obviously during this time this is when the marriage suffered I felt like he just did nothing to help me genuinely and the lack of sex ...during my bad point I started like throwing important non rubbish objects away that I really didn’t mean to or didn’t remember doing and ex would really go at me for it then say he didn’t blame me but then the separation happened then all the blame really started - my ex says it doesn’t matter if I was ill things still happened the way they did and that I rejected sexually - it made me feel so worthless- but then I was ok to still look after my child fully and for him to bugger off and leave child completely emotionally and physically- I’ve tried to work through it with him for sake of the child but he puts a big wall up and completely ignores child that I’m left thinking wait a minute why would you completely ignore the child if your claiming ‘abuse’
It just seems odd to me I don’t know if anyone else thinks same why maybe some men do this?
ridiculous.
and to top it off me being so unwell I find quite cruel :( x

@PumpkinKlNG well that’s what I thought too he says this but then completely ignores child so surely someone decent listening to that wouldn’t you think it was odd that he says that but then left child completely in my care?- it seems manipulative I wonder how people in general would think surely decent people would think it’s odd if I’m that bad why would you ignore your child - seems like excuses? xx

He sounds like a narcissistic wanker op.
If you are now divorced and he doesn't have any interest in seeing your child, can you just cut him off completely? You don't need to listen to his crap anymore.

Yeah does he seem narcissistic? I didn’t cut him off prior to think he may do the right thing and atleast show some little care to child but it’s not happened AT all. nothing. Not even ask how they are but is ok to dish out ultimatums via emails ...
Ex has been making ‘financial ultimatums’ to me via emails which I relayed back to the court and now need to attend a court hearing about it and then see what the court make of that and then during that I was going to mention the child at the court hearing aswell and the behaviour my ex is doing surrounding her just so I can get thing clear what is happening etc and see what the court say first ...what do you think? Xx

Is it just the financial side being addressed in court? If so, then arrangements with the kids are not relevant. Have you got a solicitor? I would disengage completely from your ex. Just tell him to contact your solicitor in future.
He's had opportunities to discuss things with you reasonably and has ignored them.
If he wants to come to an agreement re the kids but isn't willing to discuss a mutual plan, then you will have to go to court for child arrangements order. But that assumes he's interested, which he doesn't seem to be.
His behaviour is baffling. You don't have to give him all this head space anymore x

@Tiddleypops yes just financial side of things the court is dealing etc.

I have taken in your comments thank you x

His behaviour is baffling he is saying because I’m ‘abusive’ he can’t have nothing to do with child and but in that process he has shown no shown care at all or even asked how child is etc. Just seemed like a really bad excuse - surely if you excuse a parent of being abusive you would take the child with you not discard child in other parents care? That’s what was blowing my mind. Since our separation we haven’t even seen him for him to say it’s abusive / he’s classing me coercive abusing because I won’t listen to his ultimatums about money and then I’ve had to show the court the things he is saying etc and there is a hearing soon about the issues x

His behaviour sounds in keeping with narcissistic personality type where they try to attach labels.

Lots of I do on narcissism in YouTube for example from reputable sources look it up

@Light11 why do they try to attach labels? ...does what I say make sense? If I’m abusive why leave his daughter with me and completely discard her? My ex hasn’t even said anything towards daughter he just keeps saying ‘your daughter’ not ‘ours’ now and shows absolutely no care or thought to her but then says I’m abusive and can’t have a relationship with daughter because of that - just seems strange a father would walk away on the basis?

I will also check YouTube out for some clarity to situation ...it’s incredibly stressing situation x

Sorry I just saw that my message was jumbled up by my phone!

Yes basically this sounds like he is attacking you and by saying “your daughter” he is denying her to get to you also (bit of control there too)

These YouTube channels are quite good on narcissistic abuse and how to cope

Dr Ramani Durvasula
Live abuse free

It seems to be quite common for absent fathers to blame mum for lack of contact. Claiming child has been withheld from them blah blah.
It’s all bollocks. He’s a deadbeat. He won’t say that as it makes him look bad so he needs to blame you. You need to move on without him and make sure he is paying for his child.

@Light11 yes I thought that too like he maybe thought it was hurting me by saying ‘your daughter’ and not ‘our daughter’. Yeah you’re right they never admit it do they. I think I worry about what others think too (I do tend to worry what others think) and my ex is probably telling them all sorts but from what I can gather it’s because I’m that bad that he can’t have a relationship with his daughter because of me, is this sort of thing like believed in longterm? I just can’t believe people would believe that for very long as if you was that bothered about my behaviour why turn his back emotionally and physically to his daughter and start being colder and dissociating himself from
our daughter as if she was nothing , he says all these things but then can have a go at me on email but can’t ask how his daughter is , I feel at a loss with it, I’ve told him I’ll never stop you seeing child however I’m disgusted the behaviour to her and the uncaring not once ask how she is at all , I’m perplexed with this behaviour I’ve never known anyone to do this? x

@PizzaPiePizzaPie yes it seems so doesn’t fit, he won’t say he just doesn’t want to see a kid out of marriage etc but it’s the hurtful form the things he said it’s made it like she means nothing to him like to not ask about daughter at all I just can’t fathom but then says I’m so bad but didn’t think that looks odds to others that your daughter has who has been in your all her life is left with an ‘abusive person’ so why abandon her? But he truly believe it’s because of me he seems to anyway ...you’re right I will move on of course it’s just perplexing and mind boggling. I now claim through CMS too x

...So in my ex husband from his actions in his head , a good parent is if the other parent is ‘bad’ you then run away from that parent and leave the child to that ‘bad’ parent completely to raise on their own and just never speak or show care or see child ever again ...wow I never heard of this before! But I’m sure it’s happened lots times unfortunately ladies on here it’s such ashame xxx