I am too soft and can't sort my sons screentime

[ClarksonsGirlfriend]

I have been a single parent for around 5 years. My marriage left me with pretty low self esteem, exh was low level emotionally abusive and never did anything for/with the kids when we were together so I have raised them myself since they were born. just mentioning to give you background.

I'm posting here rather than parenting as I know you will understand some of the feelings of guilt, and the massive drain on emotional resources being a single parent has

I have always been more on the 'attachment' parenting side of things and try to talk things through with my kids rather than punish. however I am now in a situation where my eldest (13) is on screens far too much, he's basically become addicted over lockdown, and I'm struggling to turn it around. i can read up all i like about how to cut down hours or even going cold turkey but tbh i just don't have the skillset to put it into action.

To give you an example, he won't turn off at night even when i repeatedly ask. i can hear he's speaking/playing with his friends so i ask nicely and repeatedly but admittedly without really meaning it as i can see he's having fun. if i finally get angry he will switch it off but it can go on for 30 mins or more and we're talking 11pm or later.

I can speak to him about how he's been on the screen all day and that is it not unreasonable to turn off when requested, and sometimes he will be good for a day or two but then it slips back.

It's got to a stage where friends/family are commenting on his lack of interaction/concentration when not on a screen so i need to do something.

Basically i am too soft and my kids know it and play on it. Some things i'm 'stricter' on than others (things i firmly believe in, like say teeth brushing for example). I must admit I feel like this is why parenting is a 2 parent job. If i had someone else here who was a bit stricter to set to rules and enforce them for a while then i might be able to carry on with them.

How though can i sort this out on my own though? If i give him limits for number of hours on screen he just goes over. I have put limiters on his devices but he finds workarounds. I have once snatched the screen from him but it didn't feel good, and resulted in a massive strop. I implemented no screens on weekend afternoons which they moaned at but were getting used to but then i let it slide a bit.... i fully admit i like to be able to get on with my own stuff sometimes (well, just house/garden cleaning/tidying) so the screen is a useful babysitter. I don't really have any consequences/punishments up my sleeve and if i tried i don't know how seriously he would take them. We have made a list of things he can do off screens, but he rarely refers to it. He's not great at organising stuff with his friends (and when he does go out with them they just sit on their phones). I have organised stuff for him like swimming with friends but i can't fill every moment, plus I work.

Please be kind as i feel shit about this.. I just don't know why i can't get a handle on it

Hi I’m a lone parent too and am about to tackle my 12 year olds excessive screen use. He has ADHD so there is an extra element to it and I have to go about it very carefully so I’m planning my approach.

My son is actually OK about turning off at night. We have a 10pm lights out bedtime during the weekends and holidays. Sometimes he will switch off himself but recently I’ve noticed he isn’t and when I go in to remind him he says he is hungry and asks if he can carry on playing while he eats which takes about 20 minutes. I always give in. His ADHD medication means his appetite isn’t good during the day so I’m keen to encourage eating wherever possible. However I have now decided I will go in at 9:30 and tell him to go and get something to eat so he is ready to switch everything off at 10pm. He will resist and try and push it back but I’m going to be firm.

I’d also like to restrict his day time screen time but he has no friends and no clubs so I’m reluctant as he will be very bored. I’m also not sure what is a reasonable amount of screen time.

Would love to hear any ideas from others too.

You've just got to get tougher. Take his screen away, switch off the internet. You need to follow through with what you say and he'll soon get the message. He's old enough to understand and comply.
Maybe if you get a bit stricter with other things as well, he won't feel that you're just picking on him and his screen time.

Is it an iPhone?

Do you have an iPhone?

I suspect that you do have the skills but you're a bit indecisive about it. You're firm on tooth brushing because you know the consequences of not doing it but it's more ambiguous with screens and you see him having fun and sometimes you need a break too (understandably).

I'm not sure what the answer is but understanding your own red lines might be a good start. E.g. 11pm seems quite late, maybe a 9:30 cutoff would be more suitable with a consequence for not coming off within 5 minutes. Consequence could be he loses time or a device the next day. You don't want to be snatching devices from him, which makes sense, so you need some consequences that you can implement calmly. You might be able to turn the WiFi off for example or change ther password.

Switch off the internet.

Turn the router off

@MotionActivatedDog recommended screen time for 12 year olds is only 2 hours a day, otherwise it can become damaging.

Boundaries can be so hard. I found it really difficult. I also have that tendency to talk myself out of them when it comes to the moment of enforcement, which is generally (I think) because I tend to be a bit of a people-pleaser, dislike making people upset/angry unless I really really have to, and my original reasoning for the boundary always seems to shrink away in importance compared to the (huge, scary, in my head) potential of making my child upset. Unless it's actually a very serious issue, that is a constant battle for me with my DC and it's meant that in general I've held boundaries for safety reasons and very little else. However I am coming to realise (eldest also nearly 13!) that this has actually caused problems for our relationship, as it means they don't perceive me as an authority really and also leads to resentment on my part that it takes so much effort to get anything to happen and that I end up giving in on things which bother me. So I'm learning that it is important to uphold boundaries, even those that don't seem very important in the moment, I did actually make/decide on them for a reason and so I need a bit of bolstering/mental pep talk, to remind me that it's helpful to stick to them and not just think oh, it doesn't really matter/it's not worth it/but he's having so much fun. The more you do it, the easier it gets and they don't actually get that upset/angry nor miss out on that much fun! They can quite happily continue playing the next day in the daytime when it's appropriate.

If you have history of an abusive relationship as well, it can be really triggering to argue with a teenage boy as they start to have some of that scary adult male aggression, especially if they are struggling to keep their hormones in check. So it would be a good idea to start practising having boundaries over smaller things while he is still physically smaller than you, and therefore less intimidating.

I would recommend the book Raising Human Beings by Ross Greene. This is a really helpful framework for how to have discussions where your needs and expectations get met, but not in a high conflict/overly confrontational manner. It's helped me.

Parent Effectiveness Training is supposed to be really good as well. I haven't read this one. But it's meant to be especially good for people who struggle with boundaries.

If you've never been overly authoritative, then it's probably not the best time to start going in with loads of consequences/punishments "show them who's boss", the approaches from these books are more collaborative, and should help teach your son negotiation skills as well as enabling you to communicate better with him and get your boundaries across. But it's still important for you to mentally believe that you're the one in charge and have confidence that he will do as you ask. Something that has helped me see myself in this role is reminding myself that as the adult who is responsible for my children, it's actually my job to make decisions for them that they are not yet mature enough to make for themselves. Of course they won't want a bedtime or to do their homework or clean up or eat something other than junk, but I'm an adult and can see the longer term consequeneces of these things (which they can't, because their brains are immature) and therefore it's my job/responsibility to make sure those things happen.

Baggage Reclaim is a brilliant resource too in terms of healing any past issues relating to setting and upholding boundaries. It's not a parenting resource but a relationships one. Parenthood is a relationship, though!

It is important to decide what your boundary is and then stick to it - make yourself a little note as to the reasons. So if you want him off by X time so that he gets enough sleep, then it doesn't matter that he's having fun or socialising - the sleep is more important, and you should remind yourself of this and hold it firm. You could decide/discuss/negotiate a later screen-off time at weekends and during the school holidays. Trust me they do still find time to socialise and have fun within the limits that you set :)

WRT recommended amount of screen time, I first cut DS1 down to no more than 6 hours per day so that it was no more than half the day. That wasn't short enough and he still spent the remainder of the time cajoling to ask when he could have more, asking to be entertained, etc. So I cut it in half again and found a max of 3 hours is perfect. It's enough to let him wind down which was important for all of us, but short enough that he actually has to find other things to do the rest of the time.

@BertieBotts wow, thank you. you have described me and my feelings very well. I am going to re read and digest later when I have a bit more time. re abuse - yes, my son reminds me of his dad in so many ways, especially the way he argues/tries to manipulate me. My son is also the same size as me

If I turn off the router he will hotspot 4G from his phone. He has laptop, ipad, iphone. I regret the laptop and letting him have it in his room - it just seemed easiest when I had to work from home during lockdown. I have an iphone too and have set time limits using family sharing, however he has found if he turns the phone off/on around 15 times he can confude it and bypass the limits. I don't know how you can monitor time across devices unless you have some sort of offline timer but that is open to abuse too

Get apps on your phone that lock his devices at appropriate times. Negotiate times first. Then do it. Be prepared to be flexible on some days/instances.

Family safety and family link are good ones

Google Family Link has been a lifesaver. Can turn off their devices from your phone, that have to ask for authorisation to visit sites online. Can set bedtimes on it as well. My DD hates it with a passion but I'm done with the arguments and manipulation to stay online all day and night.

I've a son who adores his Amazon kids tablet. But luckily I can control access to the internet via the router on my phone. It shuts signal off to named devices at set times.

I give warning though like 30minutes left, 20 minutes 10 and 5 that seems to help so much so it's not just a "it's going off now" he has ADHD and I do this for all activities.

Can you try implementing countdowns?

We turn off the electricity for the upstairs sockets when he won’t come off.

BertieBotts I've just come across this - thank you. Your advice is very timely.

Hi there. Yes I agree with the Google family link for them switching off at certain times/after certain hours. Also if you get googlewifi then that can be set to switch off the WiFi only on certain devices so that would work on the laptop. If he "gets round" the limits then automatic confiscation of all screens for 24 hours as a consequence .. and repeat until he learns to stick to the limits. Good luck I know it's tough

Are his devices in his bedroom? If they are it may be worth making his bedroom an IT free zone with mobiles downstairs during sleeping hours. It takes away any temptation.

I think you need to work on your own self esteem here OP. You are the parent. Have confidence in yourself that you are doing the right thing, even though it is the hard thing!

I would be inclined to take all of the gadgets out of his room one day while he's not there.

Unplug the router. Cancel his phone contract if he uses the 4G on his mobile. I think you do need to come down hard to begin with so he knows and sees that you are serious. Then work on earning some things back.

When we get on rides at the fair or theme park and they put the safety rail down across us, the first thing everyone does without thinking is give it a bit of a shove or pull, just to check it's solid. If you gave it a yank and it gave way you would feel unsafe and unsupported. That's what your son needs you to be - a solid safety bar that doesn't give way when he pushes it. If you stand your ground, remember your reasons for having rules, limits and boundaries, are not swayed by his tantrums etc, he will feel safe. If you give in or are afraid of upsetting him, he will feel like there's no adult in charge and that's really not a good experience for kids.

Find a course online or some books about assertiveness. Have some counselling if you can, talk to someone who can help build your confidence so that you can be strong for your son. He can't set these limits for himself yet, he needs you to do it for him. I bet you don't let him eat chocolate or crisps all day long - he needs the same limits on screen time. Its junk food for his developing mind - a nice treat in small doses, but damaging and addictive.

I have a 14 year old with adhd.

I give warnings set timers with Alexa.

My son is on x box. If he doesn't behave the lot gets taken from him.i will walk downstairs and press it off if he doesn't listen

My ds's dad was abusive and i will never live like that again.

My ds is regularly told he wants more freedom control he has to take control of his own boundaries.

My ds is currently told he has to do an hour reading, an hour exercising .

Tonight i pounted out he had done nothing none electronic without been told. . I don't want to tell him at 14 what to do with his time but if he does nothing but electronics i have to step in.

He now has come up with a plan.

If he doesn't respect the rules it all gets locked up.