Struggling a bit with my 4 year old

[Freshstart67]

Have a 4 year old and 19 month old. Things were going ok until recently. It’s only us plus their grandma.

I’m so tired and have become a tiny bit shouty (I know this isn’t good!) I just like to get things done.

I play a lot with kids. My 4 year old goes nursery 3 days a week and other days we do tons of activities/garden time and park visits.
But lately she’s becoming angry towards her brother; kicking out at him, pulling him down. Snatching his toys, pulling his hair.
When I ask her to stop she stars screaming and crying uncontrollably. She bite me last night at bedtime.

I try not to shout but sometimes it just happens and I feel awful afterwards.

I give both my kids so much love and attention. But feel really sad to see daughters behaviour right now.
We live in a terraced house and recently our neighbours on one side made a point of telling me that they are now working from home permanently. The reason I mention this these partially neighbour don’t usually talk to me, they are extremely friendly with my mum. I’m wondering if my daughter screaming is impacting on their working lives. So now feel bad about this.
Sorry to go on, but feeling fed up at the moment

You sound like a parent who is trying their best - you play with your children, take them for outings and sound like a good mum. I think many parents get a bit shouty when they are stressed/anxious to get things done etc. and then they feel guilty after said shout. You know that this isn’t ideal, but it happens so be kind to yourself.

So how to change it?
You may be already doing this, but with your 4 year old, I would amp up the praise. Anytime you see her doing the right thing, make a big deal saying what a great sister she is etc. I would also look at reward charts and treats for any good behaviour you can see. Overall, this generally makes children them want to please you, and a lot of the rubbish behaviour disappears. But some of the behaviour change sounds recent and it sounds like jealously towards her younger sibling. Maybe extra hugs for DD during this time because she may feel displaced by her younger sibling, or even something special that you two can do together if you are able to do this.

What I do if my children are shouting or generally misbehaving is tell them that while they continue to shout/misbehave, it is making me feel angry, so I am going to go to my room and calm down. Then I go to the room, and either breath in and out slowly 10 times or (when really angry) curl myself into a ‘turtle’ shape on the floor and breath in and out. This distracts me enough so I am calmer when I come out and talk to them and try to sort out the situation.

As for the neighbours, you can only do your best! Children do model their parent so if you tend to be calmer and use a softer tone, your DD will hopefully too. Best of luck.

Don't worry about the neighbours! You're a family and raised voices sometimes happen. They may not be aware or even care.
As for you, you sound like a brilliant mum with a lot of your plate. You're daughter will be fine and will obviously just grow out of it. But have you got any time for yourself? Can you get a babysitter and see some friends or start a hobby? It just sounds like you're doing everything for your children which is lovely but also sounds exhausting.

@HasselbackForLife @PurpleSneakers
Thank you both for your replies. Yes it does feel full on sometimes as a single parent. I separated from partner last year following DV behaviour from him. Youngest born last year, eldest started nursery and of course the Pandemic. And I am fully aware many many people are in similar situation as to mine.
I’m just so tired and a bit run down. Have spoken with GP got blood tests to do.
I just want to make my children feel secure, loved and happy. Eldest child saw things her fathers behaviour and heard things he said. I know this has impacted on her.
My elderly mum helps as much as she can, looking after youngest for couple hours when oldest at nursery so I can meet a friend for coffee/walk. I’m trying to restart some of my hobbies in the evening when kids in bed.

I think I become shouty when I have to keep repeating things and then I get so upset when I see how eldest is being towards the little one.

Over the last few days after writing my post I’ve made changes so my own behaviour, trying more to use softer tone. And not reacting to situations. It helped posting on here. Yesterday I took my daughter out and it was just us, I know she feels a little out of times and I do want them to feel they both equally have my attention.

She’s starting reception in September, I’m trying to make it such a special time building up to the big day.

The last year has been full on emotionally as well as the Pandemic, so I’m trying so hard to find the balance. My personality is that of a quiet person, so I surprise sometimes when I get a bit shouty.

Thanks again for your supportive replies. They’ve really helped me the last few days. And I’m feeling less down and more brighter.