I'm just really struggling, don't know what to do

[creaturcomforts]

I'm a 45 year old woman, I've got a wonderful daughter age 14, whose father left and had no contact with her 2 years ago.

We were both on low incomes and both worked full time, we had financial difficulties and were private rented.

He had said that I was always at work and didn't appreciate him and so he met someone and then told dd, moved to be with new partner , its fine in that respect, however he cut daughter off no contact, she has had emotional problems understandably, I have tried to be there and will always be.

He left me with debt that was for the household and I had to leave my job for a period working nights, I struggled to find work in school hours, I claimed for the first time but as private rental , benefits are not designed to cover this or utility bill debt.

2 years on now my dd is blaming me and understandably due to feeling neglected and lost, I'm heartbroken for her, but ibe had to work full time obviously. Its a condition for universal credit which is completely understandable and also universal credit will not house and feed me and dd .. was on it for 1 year without working and you work it out that with private rent there is not anything to feed you both and we needed food banks and hand outs from family.

Was so relieved when I got full time work that only meant dd now 14 is only alone for 3 hours a day after school.. this however means I'm just starting to pay off debts that will take some time. We will not and can not receive financial help with dd as he has left without any trace and has moved abroad so cms shut case after 2 months.

That would be fine if dd was not struggling at the moment and needing me, yet I'm struggling with everything, I'm so guilty and just so angry with ex which is not helping, dd needs me more and has had a rough time due to covid and isolation.

Have just had these last two days with dd refusing school and being so angry with me, I've tried to listen, be strict, but she's basically taking it out on me, I understand but I'm so stressed!! She needs to go to school but nothing works and I've tried everything

Why do universal credits insist that single parents work 33 hours a week, without the understanding that there may be no childcare so the childcare payments are useless? The single parent may have no family or fiends that can provide childcare so you may be forced to leave your child alone...
When I first claimed uc 2 years ago the advisor told me he was latch key kid and they need to get used to it slowly.. single parents are sometimes vulnerable and the child also..
I had to cope with benefits and no support from the other parent and now I leave my child.. I need to be there as the only responsible parent, yet I'm given all the guilt.

I shouldn't feel this way as its a victim mentality but I'm just so angry and frustrated with the child maintain system and the way that parents can avoid supporting their offspring, it impacts their children in many more ways than not seeing the child and the child feeling neglected...it affects their childhood and future relationships, and of course society accepts this and sweeps it under the carpet.

Dd tried to ask grandparents, her dad's parents to contact her as she would like contact. They refused to give contact details and said her father doesn't want to talk to her. I think they should be asked by child maintenance service to provide his details by law!!!

Go on Gov.uk website and do a benefits calculation. Put in your current details and then compare with you doing a 16 hour week. I think you should be able to claim on 16 hrs per week as a single parent. Have you had help with managing the debt? Stepchange.org or cab will help you with this for free. Good luck. It sounds so hard for you but hopefully you might get some light at the end of the tunnel.

I don't think you will get much help with childcare as she is 14 but check it out anyway.

It sounds really difficult. I don't think people realise how much support teens need while their brains are changing rapidly.

Hello creaturcomforts,
I haven't any wisdom to offer around the financials I'm afraid except that I'm wondering if Citizen's Advice could help you with any information? You sound like you are being a really supportive and understanding mother and are managing to hold your patience even though I'm sure you have a lot of raw emotion too.

I know school is probably finished/finishing for the Summer but, for the new term, what is her school like in terms of support and approachability? I'm thinking could there be an approach put in place there to support your daughter in going to school? I have found schools to be very helpful when you talk with them. Are there any low fee or free counselling services for your daughter, and maybe for you too to help with your guilt and anger? I understand the anger, but the guilt? I'm not reading anything in your post that would lead me to believe you have something to be guilty about. But feelings are not rational a lot of the time!

It sounds like you both have been through an incredibly upsetting time. I really wish happier, less stressful times for you and your daughter .

I think you need to sit with your DD and explain why you are working so much, what the debts are and why you cannot spend as much time with her as she would like to. When they know the issues, they tend to be more empathetic. But tell her about these issues in an age aprópiate way.

Be also kind to yourself, there is no wraparound care for children after primary school unless she goes to private school, I can assure you that most of her mates do not have a parent waiting at home for them after school as there is a very limited number of jobs that can be done in full during school hours.

I have been in a position where I have had to work 3 jobs to keep a roof above our heads, and at the time I felt as if DS was being raised up by the xBox and the Crazy Russian in YouTube. But there was no other way, the only thing I always did was to make sure I was available if he wanted time with me. There way it’s worked for us was not to do any chores in the evening, we both were to tired for that. But if you to bed at a reasonable hour, you are likely to be awake by 6am, and that is the best time to tidy up the house, cook the dinner and get ready without distractions before your child wakes up at 7.