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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

To rock the boat for CMS

14 replies

snowwhit3 · 09/07/2021 14:14

NC to ask this....

I've been separated from ds's dad for almost 8 years now. He had an affair and left when he was a newborn but after the initial blow up we were civil and co-parented well for a few years.

Last 2 years we've not been getting on at all (I'll not go into the why as it's not that relevant anyway). He's been a complete arsehole but I really hate conflict and want to get on for the sake of DS.

Over recent months I've been trying to work on things becoming civil again but he has no interest and very rude/hostile. He likes to be in control of situations and always have things his way.

Anyway, tbf he does pay maintenance every month, always the amount agreed and always on time.

My issue is with the amount agreed. The arrangement was set up over 7 years ago using the CMS calculator but my exH was working on a lower paid job while studying back then (which I was supporting him financially with before the split).

Fast forward 7 years and he's now a much higher earner, lives in a nice house, nice car etc.

I'm tempted to get the amount of CMS reviewed based on his current position but I can tell he will go absolutely ape if I do this and any attempts at a civil relationship for DS sake will be gone.

I don't need more money as I'm managing just now but it would make life easier.

WWYD?

OP posts:

3peassuit · 09/07/2021 20:12

Your DC’s costs have increased in the last 7 years along with your ex’s salary, it’s time now for an increase in maintenance. You aren’t getting on well at the moment so it’s not like it would sour a good arrangement. Try and discuss it with him, if he refuses to engage the go through CMS.

GrandmasCat · 09/07/2021 20:43

He will go ape shit for this or something else. The only thing I regret about getting the CMS involved is not doing it a good many years before I did.

You may think you don’t need the money but it is always a good idea to save it for your child, as there will be occasion when more money might be needed, like school trips, driving lessons or supplementing his university loans in due course. It is money your child has a right to.

AlphabetAerobics · 10/07/2021 10:48

What GrandmasCat said - my only regret is NOT getting CMS involved years earlier and instead trusting him to "do the right thing".

He'll always find something else to kick off about - as the constant stream of solicitor's letters will testify.

Perhaps if he paid as much in maintenance as he does on tantrums and letters...

Original poster

snowwhit3 · 10/07/2021 11:03

Thanks everyone. Sorry you've had similar experiences and had to go down this route!

I think I'd rather go down the CMS application route as I don't particularly trust him to be completely honest about his salary (particularly his bonuses)....

OP posts:

FreeBritnee · 10/07/2021 11:07

What’s the likelihood of him demanding 50/50 if you start putting on the pressure?

Original poster

snowwhit3 · 10/07/2021 11:15

@FreeBritnee scary you say that as that is the reason I've never done it before now.

We have a court order for a split of 2/3rds with me 1/3rd with him (roughly) but I believe he can only challenge this by taking me to court. My solicitor said that even if he did that, it's unlikely he'd get 50/50 as there's an established arrangement and a routine that DC is used to.

If I thought there was any chance of him going for 50/50 and getting it, I wouldn't want to do this as I'd rather continue on the payments I receive just now and have more time with DC.

Do you think what I've told is right or do you think he could get 50/50?

OP posts:

FreeBritnee · 10/07/2021 13:29

I understand that 50/50 is often the starting point but if he’d need to go to court to establish that I might be enough to put him off. How likely is he to change jobs or hide earnings?

Original poster

snowwhit3 · 10/07/2021 13:42

I've heard it's often the starting point when it's first agreed but he didn't go for 50/50 then. What I've been told is that once an established arrangement is in place for a long time (7 years in my case) it's pretty hard to change it unless you both agree.

That could be wrong tho and the thought gives me the fear! I'd be happier with no money and keeping my contact.

He's changed jobs last year and working full time. When we first split he was part time and studying....so he's now on a higher salary AND more hours. I don't trust him to be upfront with me but I don't think he'd hide it from the CMS of they ask

I'm now back to thinking I should just leave it 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:

FreeBritnee · 10/07/2021 15:08

Can he hide it though? If he is in a PAYE job and his earnings are going through payroll he can’t hide it. He could of course quit his job to spite you but only you know just how petty he is as an individual.

Original poster

snowwhit3 · 10/07/2021 15:12

No sorry, I meant if I asked him directly myself I wouldn't get an answer I'd trust.

I don't think he'd be able to hide it from the CMS, I doubt he'd even be daft enough to try.

He's in quite a professional reasonably high paid job now, has a mortgage on a big house, nice car etc. He couldn't just stop working or he wouldn't be able to pay for all of this!

Im confident of I went via CMS it would be sorted. I'm just worried about his reaction as I'd prefer we could be civil for DC sake. Like you said my biggest fear is he'd go for 50/50

OP posts:

GrandmasCat · 10/07/2021 17:47

If you have a court order already (rare these days) you have nothing to worry about. He may want to change to 50/50 to avoid paying BUT if you dig your heels it will take him years to change it and that can be far more expensive and time consuming than paying CM.

Something that may speed things up is providing the CMS with his National Insurance Number, nowhere to hide, if they have it unless your ex is self employed.

I found letting them calculate everything made things less stressful, he will be given the option to pay what he has to. If he says no, the CMS will contact the employer to have CM taken off from his salary. This will mean that you will get 4% less but it will cost him 20% extra so it is his own interests not to make a fuss.

FreeBritnee · 10/07/2021 18:48

I think you should do it. You haven’t really got too much to lose.

Original poster

snowwhit3 · 10/07/2021 18:49

Yeah we have a court order....long story (but I have never stopped access)

Thanks for all the advice

OP posts:

Chucklecheeks01 · 20/07/2021 09:42

The one thing that hads taken me six years to learn is that no matter what you do or don't do the ex will find a reason to kick off. You can bend over backwards to make it more amicable, access easier etc but they will still find something. So always do what's best for your little family.

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