What are the things you wish you knew before becoming a single parent?

[newmummylucy]

Hi everyone

What are the things you didn't consider/think about, before taking the decision to leave your partner (meaning you become a single parent) that you wish you'd known first?

Thanks

Lucy

Certain things I thought would be easier are not and some other are much easier than anticipated.

I think being organised and working on yourself is so important as a single parent in particular.

Gosh, I mean... there’s a lot, mostly the tension between needing to work like I’m not a parent, and do the parenting for 2, like I don’t have a job. Nothing could have prepared me for that.

But I particularly wish I’d known that all the promises my family made about helping me if I left ExDP, being able to live at my parents as long as I needed, and how returning to the family home would be best for me and DS were bollocks, and I’d get little help and indeed be asked to leave after 3 months because “there’s too much laundry and baby stuff with a baby in the house”, having left my home, my job, and my wider support network 300 miles away, with no financial way to go back.

I had postnatal depression and desperately needed to be looked after and supported- and told what to do, if I’m honest- so I listened to the promises and ignored the alarm bells, and instead of being in the family home for. a year or so while I got myself together and made a life for DS and I that “worked”, I found myself living in my home village (which I hated), alone in a house in the middle of nowhere that was 300 years old and totally unsuitable for a baby, with none of my friends around me, in a job that was twice as stressful and half the pay as my previous career, and with a baby I had to put in childcare 5 days a week. And a family who couldn’t understand why I was so angry all the time.

So if you’re thinking of leaving- make sure that you’re clear eyed about what sort of support you’ll have before you go.

I assumed my dc would eventually stay the night once a week at least with their dad. Over two years on and never happened. They don't want to and he is not keen on them staying.

Lack of headspace sometimes gets to me, and the fact the kids who are teens never help. Probably because they are teens and my teens feel they shouldnt have to and their dad hardly ever did anything so bad example there.

If i get them to pick up after themselves I call that a good day.

How to use a drill. And other basic diy tasks.

The emotional demand on me is monumental. But I know my children will be better people in the end. I just need to get them there.

You will be in it alone. Physically. Financially and emotionally.

That I'd actually find life easier this way. Being a single parent is great despite being taken to court more times than I can count. The day to say stuff is so much easier without an abusive or useless man around. I had my third child after being a single parent for 2 years. My third was a doddle compared to the first two with my exH because it was all down to me and no one to interfere or make things difficult. No one else to think about-just the dc. I'd never go back into a relationship now. I'd have left my exH years before if I'd known how ok id be without him.

I work full time with 2 young kids butbi sont find much difference in the workload and I'm loads happier but dealing with the tension. Ex wasnt an arsehole but we just grew apart so the split has been coming for a few years.

The 2 hardest things are I cant pop out for anything - walking dogs, post a letter etc as the kids have to come with me.

Also it's very hard to stay amicable. Much harder than anticipated. I still have to bite myntongue loads now and I wasnt expecting that. Its very hard when ex still has to be in your life all the time.

I wish I'd known how much happier we'd all be and I'd have done it sooner.
I wish I'd known that some people would see me as the bad guy because I instigated the split, despite ex having been a total arse to all of us for some time.
I wish I'd ignored his pleas of poverty and gone for proper child maintenance. I felt guilty so I worked myself into the ground instead.

Don’t stay with someone just because you’re scared to be alone

When I became a single parent I treated myself to some great sex toys and I ALWAYS get myself a birthday and Christmas present

Thankyou everyone. Your relies have really helped x

Hope you're ok OP, and good luck whatever you decide to do!

That he wouldn’t stick around and that he would be fully absent but that’s obviously my situation and not every man disappears

That the first six months when he moved out would be such a shitshow and he would be even worse in divorce than he was at the end of the marriage. Sometimes I think I might have kept quiet until the baby was just slightly older. But it's a hard one. My life is easier in many many ways now he is not here, it's just financially unbelievably difficult and complicated. This should be short term though. And it was unbelievably hard in the last year with him before he moved out so that became untenable.

That once you let go of any ideas on how you thought your life would be and accept it for what it is, the whole thing becomes much easier.

And not to rely on anyone, sort yourself out and pay for that extra childcare to give you some time!

That supportive family (or friends) who will genuinely help you, are worth their weight in gold.

That expecting no help from anyone is the best mentality as you are the genuinely grateful for all the help you do get.

Find a good childminder. They’re much better than a nursery in terms of flexibility and as there are fewer kids there your child won’t pick up every cold/bug going and force you to take an inordinate amount of time off work due to their 48 hours after a temperature/upset tummy until they can return policy. Teething babies run temperatures and have upset tummies and my childminder was amazingly understanding about this and didn’t send my DS home unless he was genuinely ill (obviously Covid now changed the temperature thing).

Try not to be angry at your situation as it’s exhausting.

If you want/need it get counselling to help you get over issues from splitting with your ex and any self-esteem issues you have surrounding being a single parent.

Go to baby groups, kids activities etc. and don’t ever feel ashamed of being a single parent.

P.s. if you’re in the young kids childcare paying stages, take out a loan and spread it over a longer period if you need to for financial reasons.

I've been a single mum for just over a month for me the DIY side of things is something I'm really having to learn quickly. Also sorting out car stuff but I am SO much happier, the kids are happier and we love it here so it was definitely right to leave.
Dealing with my ex is so hard as he still tries to manipulate and it makes me want to be very rude to him.

The first time I had to do things alone, I didn't prioritise, I thought I'd just do things as I go along, but boy I was wrong. I suffered from depression and anxiety cos I did everything myself. I didn't want anyone to help me cos I felt like a failure if I asked for help. I put my kids and ex-husband first as he was sick. I told myself that I'll be okay, they need me, but I wasn't okay...that's when I had to get a financial planner to prioritize everything.

I'm a strong person in all aspects of my life and thought if I could make it through other things in life, single parenting should be easy, but it's the hardest thing I ever had to do...