Single mum and closeness to DD

[singlehun]

I've been accused by my ex and his wife of over sharing with my DD15 and of us being too close. Apparently her step mum's "heart is breaking" over how DD "knows so much" at such a young age.

Apparently DD told her stepmom that she worries about me as I'm on my own and struggle with money. She also knows I have bi polar because she found my medication and looked up its use online. I've spoken to DD and she says she does worry but not unduly and ultimately loves how close we are. She said she'd be very confused if I'd lied to her about the medication or if I'd lied about us having lots of money etc.

I've had a difficult few years which I've tried my absolute hardest to protect DD from but my argument is that living in a tiny flat, just us it's near on impossible to not become a bit more close than ideally a child and parent would be. It's not like when they're tiny and you can create any kind of reality you want to.

She rarely goes to her dad's anymore because he makes her feel anxious (very shouty and no emotional intelligence) and he hasn't been paying maintenance so yeah, it is hard financially but she doesn't go without. I just have to say no somethings but it's luxuries I say no to, never anything essential or that would make her feel like we were on the breadline.

My question is, to those of you who are single parents, do you struggle to keep a hard line of being totally fine at all times in order to protect teens from the realities or is it less black and white than that as they get older?

My xH is a habitual liar. I have always wanted dd to have one parent she could trust so my rules have been:

Don't lie
Don't cover up
Never say "Don't tell your dad about X"

Truth is always age appropriate and not delivered in a spiteful way.

So if he's taking the credit for something he had nothing to do with (not just things that I did) I will gently make sure that the right person is credited. Like others if he hasn't paid maintenance I don't cover it up but I don't go into detail of the amounts involved.

Children can and do work out what their parents are actually like. Dd correctly identified the way xh treats women without any input from me. She does work things out and come to me for confirmation but I don't initiate any discussion about his failings.

Xh continues to operate very differently but it is seen for what it is.

She’s 15, she’s not stupid.

My DSS was messed up by his mum over sharing but he was only 8 when they separated and she did say some unkind untrue things . I live alone with my teenage DS and though I try not to criticise his father my son himself witnessed the awful behaviour. On Father's Day he thanked me for being his mum and dad . You are doing a great job OP and it sounds like you two have a lovely relationship.

I want to be honest, in an age appropriate way, about things that affect her.

I applaud that. I think that is absolutely the right way to treat children (at all ages). If she’s old enough to understand the concept of maintenance (which at 15 is perfectly reasonable; different if she’s 3) and old enough to ask you a question about it, then she deserves an honest answer (phrased appropriately). Good for you.

@HollowTalk

Why don't you say that your daughter worries about the financial situation, given he doesn't give any maintenance.

Yes that's what DD said - that she's worried about money because there was something I needed that I couldn't afford. She said if dad paid maintenance then we wouldn't be hard up. SM said it was wrong that DD had been told about maintenance or realises that money is tight. I've told ex hundreds of times that I'm worried about money.

The more I've thought about this the more I can see that they're trying to deflect the blame for this away from themselves.

I actually don't think Ex or SM care about anything beyond appearances and they're pissed off that I haven't been complicit in covering for them.

I do want to remain vigilant about protecting DD from as much worry as possible and I'd never want her to feel responsible for my needs but I think posters are right in that nor would it be right to present an untrue version of reality, especially given her age

I agree your doing the right thing by being honest in an age appropriate way. ExH and his DP are more worried about how the truth comes across to DD.

Poor SM and her broken heart that you're close to your DD 🙄

@Toty

It's never black and white. We all just do the best we can. I don't think you can realistically hide mental health issues from almost adult children and I'm not sure you should. You have an illness and you take medication same as you would if your illness was physical. Plenty 15 year olds have mental health issues of their own, it's healthy to discuss these matters with our kids.

Absolutely agree with this!

IMO it's important to discuss these matters with young people. Mental health conditions are nothing to be ashamed of x

@thedarkling

It 'breaks her heart!' And yet her husband doesn't pay maintenance for his daughter- why doesn't that break her heart? She doesn't give a shit about your daughter. Tell her to F off.

Exactly this!

Me and my mum have always been incredibly close, a bond which is so important and precious with me. Looking back now as a mum I may acknowledge times she's over shared with me but do I think she was wrong to? No. Did it effect me negatively? No. It's part of life, nobody is perfect and I love my mum so much I would never think bad of her for leaning on me at times even when I was younger, I'm glad she has always been transparent and honest with me and it has definitely supported our relationship ♥️

As you have written more it is very clearly that SM is angry that you haven't covered for Ex in the maintenance situation.
I have always treated my DD with respect and been honest in an age appropriate way, so at 8 I wasn't prepared to discuss Ex's affair with her when she pushed me on it, but at 17 I will.
Both of us have been recently having counselling individually and one of my worries has been has been that I got stuff wrong. But as we still communicate well and she opens up to me it would seem that it is not me, but her Dad who has caused the problems.
In a similar way ExH and his DP voicing that they felt I was doing things wrong to cover up their own inadequacies.
If they bring this up again I would maybe say 'I am not prepared to lie to her to protect you.'
Keep doing what you are doing it sounds like you are doing a great job of raising a thoughtful compassionate girl.

SM said it was wrong that DD had been told about maintenance or realises that money is tight. I've told ex hundreds of times that I'm worried about money

SM needs to get the father to start sending money to ease her heart break and realise whilst she can make up any narrative she likes and her 2 year old will believe her. At 15 then children aren’t stupid. They know what is going on.

Thank you for the recent replies. I'm feeling much stronger and really glad I started this thread xx

SM is lying to herself a little here. She doesn’t want to accept that she’s had a child with a man who would see his children go without (and would probably leave her in the same situation, if he left). So she’s decided it’s your fault for failing to keep up the facade that he’s a good man.

@DriverOrDiver

SM is lying to herself a little here. She doesn’t want to accept that she’s had a child with a man who would see his children go without (and would probably leave her in the same situation, if he left). So she’s decided it’s your fault for failing to keep up the facade that he’s a good man.

That is increasingly what I think is happening to be honest.

OP you sound like a lovely mum.

I'm in a similar boat with 16yo DD although nothing's ever been said about it.

Split with XH 5 years ago and it's been inevitable that she's been exposed to some more adult topics that she might not have been otherwise. There are boundaries but I won't lie to her and we're really close as a result.

She's growing up to be a very resilient young woman and there nothing wrong with that.

Frankly your relationship with your DD has fuck all to do with your XHs new partner. If mine stuck her awe in I'd tell her in no uncertain terms where to poke her opinions.

I wonder if comments from ex and SM are born out of jealousy in some way because of how close we are.

I don't think they're jealous at all. I wouldn't want my DS to think we had money worries, or to find bi polar medication. I think that's legitimate to query if it's appropriate for a child of that age to be notably aware of those things and to voice them to their other parent.

That being said, this is also someone who doesn't see their child regularly, or provide financially. So I think you're both at fault, in different measure. You could have been a bit more thoughtful and diplomatic around DD, when she's embarking on GCSEs she doesn't need to have home money worries floating around her head. He, however, is just an arse.

Well OP I think that given the struggles you're going through right now you're doing amazingly and it's very easy for people to come along and cast judgement, whether it's in this thread or in real life, whether is questioning you or a passing comment, but that says more about them then it will say about you.
I agree, I think your Ex's partner is inflicting her own insecurities on you but unfortunately there's nothing that can be done about this. That's on her. I have an emotionally abusive ex and Through therapy I've learnt that I can't do anything to change him, but I just have to change how I deal with it - which is a lot easier saying then doing, believe me!
In an ideal world we would protect our children from all of our struggles and worries. None of us want to see our children witness these. When my husband walked out on me I was literally lying on the floor pregnant and crying because I couldn't hold it together and my son saw everything. Luckily he was far too young to remember that, but I still feel horrendous about it. It's easy for PP to say that you shouldn't let your children see these things, you don't sue have control.
Just know you're doing your best. You should be proud of being an amazingly strong and dedicated parent and those struggles that you have had do NOT define who you are as a parent ♥️

@TwinsAndTrifle

The OP's daughter is 15, not 5!

An awareness of the real world, in context, is not a bad thing to have at that age. You can't wrap them in cotton wool forever and arguably if the OP has MH problems it's much better that her DD is aware of that rather than worried because mum is behaving differently/unwell and she doesn't understand why.

Teens can be very understanding and resilient when given the chance. Mine has just come through her GCSEs despite coping with Covid, a terminally ill grandparent (who passed away halfway through exam fortnight), the mental health and financial impact that has had on me as I've had to give up work to become a carer for said parent, and various thoughtlessness and upheaval from her dad's side.

She's now doing a part-time job,an internship and is set to get straight A's.

@Groundtoahalt agreed. My grandad passed away during my GCSEs. It was a horrible time. My heart broke for him and seeing my Mum and Nanna grieving. It was absolutely horrendous but I was ok. I still remember hearing and seeing the grief but I would never think badly of any of my family for struggling around me. I was 15 then too.

Aw, you poor thing. Your ex and his wife seem awful. If she was truly heartbroken by the whole thing she would help more! She doesn't sound too worried about your DD to be honest.

You sound like you're doing a great job and have really considered the relationship you have with your DD!

I would warn about sharing too much though. I'm sure you don't at all, it doesn't sound like you do. But I am married to a man - who is wonderfully kind and compassionate - but suffers from severe anxiety and that can be traced back to a parent who had an awful time but really leaned on her son too much. I do sometimes wish I could go back and protect him a bit. But it was no ones fault, everyone did their best! It just is what it is.