Single mum and closeness to DD

[singlehun]

I've been accused by my ex and his wife of over sharing with my DD15 and of us being too close. Apparently her step mum's "heart is breaking" over how DD "knows so much" at such a young age.

Apparently DD told her stepmom that she worries about me as I'm on my own and struggle with money. She also knows I have bi polar because she found my medication and looked up its use online. I've spoken to DD and she says she does worry but not unduly and ultimately loves how close we are. She said she'd be very confused if I'd lied to her about the medication or if I'd lied about us having lots of money etc.

I've had a difficult few years which I've tried my absolute hardest to protect DD from but my argument is that living in a tiny flat, just us it's near on impossible to not become a bit more close than ideally a child and parent would be. It's not like when they're tiny and you can create any kind of reality you want to.

She rarely goes to her dad's anymore because he makes her feel anxious (very shouty and no emotional intelligence) and he hasn't been paying maintenance so yeah, it is hard financially but she doesn't go without. I just have to say no somethings but it's luxuries I say no to, never anything essential or that would make her feel like we were on the breadline.

My question is, to those of you who are single parents, do you struggle to keep a hard line of being totally fine at all times in order to protect teens from the realities or is it less black and white than that as they get older?

It's never black and white. We all just do the best we can. I don't think you can realistically hide mental health issues from almost adult children and I'm not sure you should. You have an illness and you take medication same as you would if your illness was physical. Plenty 15 year olds have mental health issues of their own, it's healthy to discuss these matters with our kids.

Thanks @Toty

When she was small she knew nothing about my life in terms of struggles or anything but they do start asking questions as they grow up and I think it's important to be honest... you know, within reason! It's not like I cry on her shoulder or anything.

I just feel like I can't do right at the moment.

I'm on my own with my son, i'm 34 and he's 12 and i've definitely been accused of over-sharing with him and him having 'grown-up' too fast but it's hard not to when it just the two of us. I don't have any mental health issues but when things got difficult for us i found a really good family therapist who i could go to with or without my son. It helped to have her opinion on what to share with him and what not to. As my job is to protect him and let him be a little child for as long as possible, but when living only with each other its tough to hide bad days, bad moods and not try to explain why. His dad isn't involved and never has been so lots of confused emotions for my son to deal with over the years. I see the positives though to being so close as he's super open and honest with me about what he feels/thinks and i think where most children pull away from their parents around this age he seems to be keen to keep the closeness we have. He has seen that it takes a lot to make a home work whether this is a good or bad thing i'm not quite sure.

Thanks for sharing your experience @Naimee87

I wonder sometimes if it can be a good thing that they know about some of the real life struggles that come up. DD tells me pretty much everything and hasn't pulled away at all despite being 15. She's compassionate and caring and I'm pretty proud of her to be honest. As much as I'd prefer her to be in a happy little bubble at all times

I wonder if comments from ex and SM are born out of jealousy in some way because of how close we are.

She's 15, understanding that anyone can suffer with mental illness and that there is help and treatment available is really positive surely? If she is suffering hopefully she will feel safe coming to you. Being a little worried about you to me means she has a lot of empathy, just make sure she knows that she can always come to you and she shouldn't with hold things from you because she feels you need protecting or don't need the stress.

Does the SM have any children of her own? My DSS is 17 and I have had concerns about his mum oversharing things about her feeling suicidal and depressed, worrying about money and telling a very glittered version of the past. The reason this troubled me is because she sought support in her (then younger teen) son which had caused him significant anxiety and his own referral to CAMHS instead of her seeking support with friends, family or professionals to offload. It was like he was expected to take that role despite being young and very immature. Now I have a young DD of my own I can see how hard it is. She's my only and we're very close. I wouldn't say you have overshared if that really is all that has been said. I'm also not sure where your ex gets off taking the high ground if he hasn't been paying maintenance!

@Tal45

She's 15, understanding that anyone can suffer with mental illness and that there is help and treatment available is really positive surely? If she is suffering hopefully she will feel safe coming to you. Being a little worried about you to me means she has a lot of empathy, just make sure she knows that she can always come to you and she shouldn't with hold things from you because she feels you need protecting or don't need the stress.

Thanks @Tal45 yeah she's never been shy to ask me for help when she's needed and doesn't give me an edited version to protect me

@blackcat86

Does the SM have any children of her own? My DSS is 17 and I have had concerns about his mum oversharing things about her feeling suicidal and depressed, worrying about money and telling a very glittered version of the past. The reason this troubled me is because she sought support in her (then younger teen) son which had caused him significant anxiety and his own referral to CAMHS instead of her seeking support with friends, family or professionals to offload. It was like he was expected to take that role despite being young and very immature. Now I have a young DD of my own I can see how hard it is. She's my only and we're very close. I wouldn't say you have overshared if that really is all that has been said. I'm also not sure where your ex gets off taking the high ground if he hasn't been paying maintenance!

She has a 2 year old. I think when her DD is older she'll understand better but I'm not sure ex ever will.

Oh god no id never tell her I was suicidal or anything remotely like that.

He doesn't pay maintenance and she thinks that DD shouldn't be aware that this causes any difficulty?

@Rhythmisadancer

He doesn't pay maintenance and she thinks that DD shouldn't be aware that this causes any difficulty?

Yes, apparently I should keep it to myself whether he pays maintenance or not. I did in fact for a long time but eventually DD said "how come we have no money, does dad not give you money for me" and I thought well... do I lie, and let her think he does give me money and I spend it all some other way... or do I have to be honest and say that no he doesn't, but we get by without it?

I went for the latter but obviously she's not stupid and she knows we'd be better off if he paid me and she can see me picking stuff from the reduced aisle, never having new clothes, not going out with my friends etc. whilst he lives a life of Riley so it's pretty difficult to hide

It's a shame it doesn't break the stepmums heart to know that she is complicit in spending money that should be going towards your daughters maintenance.

@MorriseysGladioli

It's a shame it doesn't break the stepmums heart to know that she is complicit in spending money that should be going towards your daughters maintenance.

Well that's a very good point

It is finding that balance of honesty. And protecting our children.

The end of a relationship is a difficult time. My children knew I was upset. I didn't cry on them or say tell your dad blah blah blah. I just struggled for a long time because it was a big change being on my own.

They in turn could then relate that back to their own feeling of loss etc

Regarding money. I will not protect my ex and lie for him. If anyone asks they get the truth. He doesn't pay ( currently arrears are standing at nearly &20k. I don't say that bit)

We get by but I have to be careful. And the children know that. I'm
Not going to let them think he is something he is not. Again this isn't in a spiteful way. Just when they ask we sometimes have to save for things. Or wait until pay day etc. As the money we have is what I earn and we have to make it last.

I hope they learn that they need to be sensible with money. And budget for the fun things in life. I'm hoping it is a learning opportunity.

Kids will make their own minds up about us as parents. We are all trying our best

That's it really, it's mostly that I don't want to gaslight her and mess around with what she can clearly see in front of her. I want to be honest, in an age appropriate way, about things that affect her. If I need emotional support I ask my mates or my mum.

Thanks for the replies, I was starting to question myself

Fact is, as a single parent you are bound do be closer to your child(ren) than the ex who is in a relationship. You will naturally spend more 1:1 time with your daughter than your ex does and therefore your relationship will be always be different. Plus you’re Mum and Daughter. She is 15, you can’t hide things from her and why should you? Being honest with her will mean she will feel like she can talk to you about her own problems when they arise. Also, if you are bi-polar I think it’s really important she knows this. She needs to be able to notice the signs if things aren’t going so well, that’s not putting responsibility onto her but just helping her to understand that it’s not necessarily her fault if you’re struggling. Don’t let your ex make you feel like you’re parenting wrong, you sound like a good mum who has a strong honest and open relationship with her girl.

Just ignore them. Your dd is happy and loved

I have a baby daughter at the moment and I'd like the relationship you have with your teenage daughter I think your relationship sounds beautiful and it's how it should be you should he able to talk about anything together and have 0 secrets me and my mum tell each other literally everything and I wouldn't change it my mum struggled when me and my brothers were growing up and at the age of 15 I was helping my mum financially with them struggles and helped support her and my brothers your doing a fantastic job of educating her about mental health as well! If her step mum is so concerned and heartbroken why isn't she booting your ex up the arse and getting him to pay his maintenance which would help contribute to said struggle!!

It sounds like you’ve asked yourself all the right questions and your focus is on her happiness and well-being! You sound like a great mum. I get no support from my son’s dad not even cards/presents and i did used to say its because we live far from him because after the break up he went awol and i needed my family so we moved. But eventually he realised what was going on. He realised i was mum and dad! If anything his dad being the way he is has only made my son way more determined not to be like him. I definitely hope this determination continues. I do really enjoy being a single mum for now actually. It wasn’t that way for a very long time but quite recently i’ve just enjoyed being us and only having us to look after! Hope you’ve been reassured by this chat that you’re definitely sounding like a good mum with a lovely daughter!

Thanks you, these replies made me quite emotional

I'm just going to ignore them and keep doing what I'm doing. I appreciate the support xx

At the end of the day as you embark on your own adult life, it is your life experience thus far that is all you have to draw on to make your own decisions.
Neither you nor she can alter your actually reality so it would be criminal to do shield her from the life she's in that she is ignorant of its ups and downs. That would strip her of that asset which is a lived real experience.
We were poor as church mice growing up (neighbours used to put food on the doorstep for us), and my parents didn't carp on about it or rub our noses in it, but we knew what our position was. We knew what our parents were dealing with... But the point was they were dealing with it not me. The responsibility never rested on my shoulders although obviously it affected me practically.
So I grew up with the wisdom this gave me, I have never taken on debt I can't afford, I work hard cos I know life isn't going to hand it to me on a plate. The social safety net of this country at the time prevented us from utterly dropping off the face of this planet, and have my mum an adult education which allowed her to get back into the world of work, this meant my parents got back in their feet in the end (circumstances were result of serious injury to sole earner), so this informed my political views and made me an engaged citizen.
Your mil would have your daughter as naive as the day she was born if she had her way.
As long as your daughter isn't the one carrying the weight of it all, you are still steering the ship, then you owe it to her to be honest and love her with the truth.
You're doing a great job.

It 'breaks her heart!' And yet her husband doesn't pay maintenance for his daughter- why doesn't that break her heart? She doesn't give a shit about your daughter. Tell her to F off.

Maybe a bit strong but I've had enough of the cheeky fuckers this morning

As the daughter of a lone parent who overshared, I think you are very wise to be alert to the risk. It can place a huge burden on the child, and because it is their 'normal' they won't know how to protect their own boundaries.

But from what you've written, I wouldn't say you are oversharing. There is a big difference between being honest and straightforward about practical reality, and asking your children to support you emotionally. I think it it the latter that can be really damaging for kids - feeling emotional responsibility for a parents happiness is a terrible burden. Obviously you can't stop your DD worrying, but you can make sure you don't fuel the fire.

But your DD is 15, and so of course you can't hide everything from her. All you can do is reassure her that you are fine and there is nothing that she needs to worry about.

Why don't you say that your daughter worries about the financial situation, given he doesn't give any maintenance.