DD3 is self harming

[Dilraj68]

Following on from my previous post about DD3's final warning meeting a few weeks ago, we finally managed to to get her back on track after the school imposed sanctions on what she must do or else she'd be asked to leave.

Last Friday she confessed to her big sister, DD2 that she's been cutting herself. I'm so distraught that matters have reached this stage. I can't understand why she would do this. She's terrified of being permanently excluded and we're in the process of getting a referral for ADHD.

She has become increasingly rude, obnoxiously, sullen and unlikeable. She snaps at me over trivial things, refuses to do her homework (one of the conditions set by the school) and will take ages to finish a task. I know this is a symptom. She's become argumentative with everyone in the house. My eldest DD1 has ADHD and it's under control. We have all explained that being rude to everyone does not excuse herself bad behaviour and it's not a symptom of ADHD.

So last week she cut herself. I only found out on Sunday morning as she had confessed to DD2. I am heartbroken. She complains about bullies at school who fat shame her and call her names. Teachers do nothing yet they've told her to tell the them when she's picked on.

My world is falling apart. How can my sweet little girl have the worries of the world on her shoulders and resort to cutting herself? The cuts aren't deep but the thought that she'd do this has killed me. She's promised not to do it again but I just don't know anymore. I can't leave her by herself anymore except when she's at school.

My mind is racing. We all had a good long chat tonight and DD2 put her to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. My heart is weeping.

I'm going to email her Head of Year tomorrow morning. Please tell me it'll get better.

I don't have good advice.

But a BIG HUG.

And self harming is a control mechanism. (I know that doesn't help you)
And it's horrible when it's your child and you just can't bear the thought of them doing that and not being able to stop that hurt.

Big hug from me.

And www.selfharm.co.uk/ are good.

Thank you very much x

Hello,

How are you both doing? Please don’t lose your patience you are her hope and guidance and it’s not easy with adhd and being a teen. How is her self esteem? Would doing a physical activity help her moods (endorphins) if she can be persuaded? a long walk in the park or a green?

Homeworks outside weather permitting if you are able to set her up with a private space for her homework it might help. Try and help her decompress but gain some degree of independence.

I feel for you, this needs a lot of patience and positive intervention. Watching some YouTube vids on adhd together might help you both understand where are her specific triggers, also some say that a change of diet is beneficial for those that are sensitive to energy surges from sugar.

Self harming can be about being unable to tolerate difficult feelings. So instead of feeling and sitting with the intolerable sensation, you cut yourself. The pain takes you out of the feeling and then there can be an endorphin release and then you calm down. And then the next time arrives when you feel something you don't want to, you cut yourself, the feeling is released by another sensation so you no longer feel what you are originally feeling, and so on. It's actually like anything people do to avoid feeling. Shopping, drugs, obsessions, being busy, it's all about not feeling the feeling. It's worth considering how feelings are dealt with in the family as patterns can come from there

Some people have had some luck with lipstick, so when the urge comes, drawing on lipstick where you/she would self harm and then washing it off, but primarily it's about verbalising feelings and thinking and talking about them.

Lots of kids self harm like this. It's a coping mechanism. It's not nice but it happens and I think the best thing is to be accepting of the feelings she has and look for other outlets. If you show it upsets you, it just gives them more feelings to manage iyswim? Though of course it's very hard to not react.
Elastic band on the wrist is another strategy and affirmations work for some kids.