My poor boy

[carryme]

I'll try and keep this as short as possible ds is 11 he has struggled with his relationship with his dad for a while now his dad has a partner and 2 young children.

He has let ds down many times and he no longer likes to stay over about 4 years ago we had joint custody this has dropped to two nights a month.

I think they just don't get ds they don't seem to know him very well he is quite sensitive and his dad well isn't.

I have tried to keep contact and many time has made ds go but it was horrible and ds would be distraught- I have in the past spoken with ds dad and his partner about ideas to build the relationship for example if ds doesn't see his dad for two weeks his dad needs to call or text him a couple of times a week as he wasn't doing this so there was no contact for two weeks then a sleepover ds felt it was too much.

On the Saturdays that ds was at his dads his dad would often work (self employed )and he would be left with dads partner. I have tried so many things as I feel it's super important that he has his dad in his life however I no longer force him to go as he was starting to have panic attacks at 11bb so if he decides not to go he doesn't.

He was due to go last weekend but he woke up on Saturday with stomach ache (which although I haven't labelled it to him is his anxiety)

His dad (well I think his dads partner) text him a shitty message saying he was fed up of this now (it's been three weeks since they last saw him and not one text all phone call)

Added to this he is really close to his dads mum she text him asking if he was at his dads and ds screenshotted this message and meant to send it to me with the question what shall I say - except he sent it to his dad so it now looks like I am telling him what to put etc - this absolutely isn't the case and my standard response when he asks me is "what do you want to say or just tell them how you are feeling "

Ds is beside himself not sleeping barely eating he sent a text to his dad and his dad is not replying so he feels so rejected:(

Any advice on what to do to help ds or just in general would be so appreciated x

You can not manage other people. If he wants to be a more involved parent he would be. Although I think that boat has sailed.

Let your son know it is ok to be angry/ disappointed. His dad does love him. But he is not the dad you had hoped him to be for him. Can school offer any support. Or seek professional counselling.

My ds has a terrible relationship with his father. Went nc a few years ago. He had play therapy through school. And counselling when he went up to secondary these were of course only short term. So I now pay for him to have support weekly. I have told him this is for as long as he needs. He has self esteem issues due to his autism and struggles at school so I anticipate this is for the foreseeable.

Stop trying to force a non existent relationship with his dad. Support your son that it's OK not to go for overnights. His Dad is shit unfortunately and is causing your poor son massive anxiety. Sounds like ex mil would like to spend time with him though so maybe facilitate that.
Would you want to go and stay over with someone who clearly doesn't like you no matter how desperate you are for them to?
Best of luck.

Thank you both I needed to hear that am going to look at some kind of help for him I think it would do him the world of good - I think my worry/guilt is when I read god awful statistics about how boys do worse on life without a dad but will try everything I can to make sure he's happy and secure!

On a side line I need to rant it's so hard doing the whole your dad loves you bullshit when he is a massive cock womble x

Yep. Every bone in your body wants to shout. He is a dick. I find. Your dad loves you but is rubbish. And it's ok to be sad. Etc speech works well here.