Kids dad had an affair and now wants to be with her

[bethboddison]

Hi everyone, this is my first time posting but looking for some advice.

I had been with my kids dad for 5 years and recently found out he's been having an affair but the past 6 months with someone he works with. We have separated but he's still living at home until he finds somewhere of his own which is fine. The trust is gone in our relationship and he has fallen out of love with me, I obviously still love him which is difficult but this is something I can accept.
The problem is he is still continuing things with the woman he had an affair on me with and is considering a relationship with her. (She was also in a long term relationship with her kids dad at the time of the affair). I think I would find it easier if she had been remorseful or sorry but she's been nothing but vile to me sending me abusive messages and phone calls saying she doesn't give a shit about me or my kids and she clearly has something I don't! In my eyes she is not someone I won't influencing my kids or being around them and my ex has respected that she wouldn't be allowed around them until I felt comfortable. She has played a lot of mind games with him and is quite manipulative from what I've seen. He's expressed concerns to me about her saying he doesn't trust her and that she's always saying negative things about mine and his coparenting relationship which he doesn't like and he's ended things a few times with her but every time she manages to crawl her way back in.
I'm in no way blaming her for the affair or what's happened because he's the one that cheated on me and hurt me not her. However he has handled it a lot more respectfully than she has I know she owes me nothing but I know she is going to get in the way of our coparenting relationship which is the most important thing for our kids she's made it very clear she's already jealous and they're not even together yet.

I can deal with the break up and the hurt but I feel like I'm going to break at the thought of them being together like how he could possibly want to be with this woman who has been nothing but vile throughout all of this, he already has concerns about her but he still wants to pursue things, I'm going to be constantly reminded of the pain and hurt. Our kids are our priority and we're trying to be friends for the sake of them but I know it's going to turn toxic if he does this with her because I'm going to hate him and she hates me.
How can I make this as easy as possible for my kids and how can I deal with this emotionally

Thanks in advance

The bigger issues is your ex partner even considering being with a woman who says she doesn’t give a f-ck about your kids. Why would he even consider being with a woman like this?

Also how did she get your number? She has no right to contact you and be abusing towards you. Next time it happens report the issue to police for harassment.

Both your partner are trash. I know you’re sad he’s leaving but this is the trash taking itself out.

*Both this woman and your partner are trash

Stop talking to him about his relationship. Cheeky fucker is using you as a sympathetic ear about his relationship. All you need to know is how he is going to co-parent.

How has he dealt with this more respectfully? He continues to see this woman, the woman sends you abusive messages and he does nothing. He continues to live in the family home and uses you to discuss his relationship with this woman. Ask him to leave and stop discussing his new relationship with him. He is a cheat. As for the DC I would suggest you deal with that when it comes.

@MarshmallowSwede

The bigger issues is your ex partner even considering being with a woman who says she doesn’t give a f-ck about your kids. Why would he even consider being with a woman like this?

Also how did she get your number? She has no right to contact you and be abusing towards you. Next time it happens report the issue to police for harassment.

Both your partner are trash. I know you’re sad he’s leaving but this is the trash taking itself out.

I know his excuse was she's said she's really sorry and she was angry, he said if they were to be together she would have to apologise to me and if she ever caused issues with us or with the kids he would end it but they're not even together and he's already accepting this behaviour! He's 100% blinded by his feelings for her which worries me, the trash has definitely taken itself out it's just hard still living together knowing he's pursuing her. Hopefully things work out for the best in the end

It’s a personal choice but why is he still allowed to live there? That’s a privilege not a right. He gave up his right to live there as a family once he started screwing around.

You need to tell him to leave immediately. Right now he’s way too comfortable acting like he’s entitled to be there and talking to you about the other woman.

This is what I would do. I would give him until 14:00 to be out of the house and then have the locks changed. Then do childcare arrangements via text. And that would be me being generous by not telling him to get out immediately!

Also the fact that he is actually considering being with this vile woman tells you all you need to know about him. No she wasn’t angry. She was telling the truth! So you know of course she’s going to interfere with co parenting because she doesn’t care about the kids.

Let him go stay with her. I don’t understand why he’s still there. You’re no longer a couple. If my husband did this to me I wouldn’t care if he was sleeping in his car. I would make him leave immediately and locks would be changed and his things in the front waiting for him.

Again, I know it’s a personal decision but what is the point in playing house if he made his choice to leave already?

And you deserve better. He’s living with you but chasing this woman?! He has a lot of nerve. Too much in fact!

You must be a very kind and forgiving woman. Are you doing this for your children so their father is there? I guess I can see this but I still wouldn’t allow him to live there.

He is the one that decided that living with his family isn’t that important once he decided to screw around.

Throw this bum out is my advice. The sooner the better. He can explain to your children why he is moving out also.

OP they both sound like vile creatures!! I'm nearly 3 months into my breakup with my ex of 5 years. I threw his arse out and he went to live with his other woman. Best thing I did!! Like you he'd try to get sympathy off me whenever he'd come visit our child. He's manipulating you and you'll hopefully start seeing him for what he really is. I don't know your living situation (working/not working/ renting/ mortgage) but my advice is to start making calls as soon as possible and getting information on what you need to do next. I'm sorry you're going through this. You deserve better and you'll soon realise your self worth. Let them live their lives and start planning your future for you and your DC

@MarshmallowSwede

And you deserve better. He’s living with you but chasing this woman?! He has a lot of nerve. Too much in fact!

You must be a very kind and forgiving woman. Are you doing this for your children so their father is there? I guess I can see this but I still wouldn’t allow him to live there.

He is the one that decided that living with his family isn’t that important once he decided to screw around.

Throw this bum out is my advice. The sooner the better. He can explain to your children why he is moving out also.

Thank you you've actually helped me see sense, I think I'm just trying to keep the peace for the sake of the kids, I had a broken household as a child and really didn't want that for them I wanted to try and make things as easy as possible for them but ultimately it was his choice to do this. I've told him several times if he continues his relationship with her he can't be here but he's like I don't want the kids to be all over the place I want to have them in my own place and his family won't have him there all the time. I'm going to tell him he needs to move out because it's breaking me living with him knowing what he's doing. Thank you for your comments

@flowerbell2020

OP they both sound like vile creatures!! I'm nearly 3 months into my breakup with my ex of 5 years. I threw his arse out and he went to live with his other woman. Best thing I did!! Like you he'd try to get sympathy off me whenever he'd come visit our child. He's manipulating you and you'll hopefully start seeing him for what he really is. I don't know your living situation (working/not working/ renting/ mortgage) but my advice is to start making calls as soon as possible and getting information on what you need to do next. I'm sorry you're going through this. You deserve better and you'll soon realise your self worth. Let them live their lives and start planning your future for you and your DC

Thank you I don't think I saw he was manipulating me until reading your comments so thank you. Our financial situation ain't great but we will manage I'm sure. This has made me realise he wants the best of both worlds and is clearly trying to keep me sweet which has been working. I just want to do the best by my kids and he says he does too but he hasn't put them first at all.

My situation was terrible too when I asked him to leave. I was a stay at home mum. No savings, family and friends all an hour away. BUT I had to put my child and my needs first. Just as my ex put his needs before his family. It started by making my first call for advice on what I needed to do going forward. Once things starting moving it gave me my confidence and strength to realise I can do this alone, and I'm better off without someone who's selfish and manipulative. I no longer feel anxious. You sound like a lovely caring person. Time to start putting yourself first. There is a lot of help out there for you. Take it one step at a time x

Christ, get rid of this prick and stop letting him have his cake and eat it.

His dick was the most important thing to him, the second most important thing to him is not getting grief for it.

He doesn't give a shiny shit about you or about the kids, kick him out.

Forget the OW, just block her. There's literally nothing you can do to control what happens with her. You can only control you.

I understand you want your children to have an intact home, but don’t forget this important fact. It wasn’t you that caused the breakup of your family. He made the choice and you are only responsible for your actions.

So he is the reason why your children won’t have an intact family, not you. But he doesn’t get to have his cake and it it too. You either are a family or not. He can’t chase skirts and live with his family. It’s one or the other.. you don’t get to behave like your single while still living like a family unit.

He seems like he has made his choice and if he wants to be a single man to date this woman, then off he should go. But he certainly should not be playing house in your home with the children while he is planning with his bit on the side.

He needs to go. And if he wants to talk to you about his relationship issues with his side piece then you should invoice him for your time. You no longer owe him any emotional labour or concern. All you have to do is co parent in a way that ensures the health and safety of your children.

And if this bum tries you make you feel bad about making him leave with that “oh where will I go” just tell him he should have thought about that before taking his Willy out of his trousers for a woman who isn’t you. He can go home to his parents, or better yet call his bit on the side and see if her partner will
Allow him to sleep on their sofa.

He is selfish crumb bum! She’s obviously trash and doesn’t care about her own kids and breaking up her own family as well. So don’t expect stellar behaviour from these two dumpster fires of human garbage.

I’m almost positive once you throw this jackass out then it will really hit him that there are consequences for cheating. The main one being losing access to the family home.

He and his side piece can go rent a motel
Room together. Again tell him to ask her partner to let him crash there. The nerve of this loser!

You will be fine and you deserve so much better.

kick him out. Stop being so friendly and listening to his woes. He will soon see the reality once youve had enough. Block them both. He can apply for formal access to the kids if he wants to. Have some dignity

Get him out of that house TODAY!!!!!!! I would also only allow supervised access to your children whilst he's associated with her. Many people will disagree but I couldn't possibly risk my child bring around a woman like her - NOT A CHANCE IN HELL

*being

I am so sorry you are in this situation. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Don't let him take advantage of your love for him now. He has checked out and prepared for this long ago. You have some catching up to do. Practical thing are easier. And will distract you. Emotionally that will take longer. How long depends on your actions now.

He is not your friend. There are enough post on mn you know this. They tell lies and twist the truth for their own gain. This is now a business arrangement. Anything agreed in writing. Text or emails. Keep a trace of things said.

Gather paper work. Pensions. House. Wage slips etc. Keep passports somewhere safe away from
The house.

Tell him he has to go, That what he is doing is emotionally cruel. And if he had any respect for you he would of gone by now.

Claim any benefits you might be entitled too. Turn2us website has a calculator. CAB will only sign post you there.

CMS also has calculator. Ask him to set up direct debit. He has one chance at this or you go for deductions of earning and formalise this through CMS

Go through bills cancel anything that is his. Car insurance mobile phone bill ( I had my ex storm in 3 months after he left asking why I hadn't paid his phone bill. Whilst he had paid no child support!). Stream line your out goings so you know your expenditure.

Legal advice. Some solicitors will offer an initial consultation for free. Knowledge is power. So do not let him rail road you into any decision.

Contact do not be obstructive about this. It won't look good on you further down the road. And you won't get him supervised access only ( there are violent parents out there who do not have to go through this). You can ask him to not involve OW. And I hope he respect this. Again there was nothing you legally can do about who or how he spends his time with DC. So long as they are safe. This works both ways. He is not obliged to know anything that occurs in your time in your house.

Emotionally. You need to grieve. Be kind to yourself. Gather good people around you. Get support of your GP or counselling if you need it. It is a safe place to vent and work things through. Do not off load on him. Ask him why etc. He will only tell you what he thinks he needs too. Keep a journal. Do not out pour to him. Any communication is text. Or email. Keep it business like. And formal. Take emotions out of all communication. Sit on any thing for an hour up to 24 hours. You do not have to respond immediately. I took great delight in taking my time in reply's for anything none urgent. My ex made me his last priority so I wasn't going to make him high up on my list either.

Right now just do what you have too to get by. The children and I were treated really badly by my ex. It took me a long time to be ok. I worked. Kids got to school fed and clean. And for awhile that was me winning.

Let those who love you support you. They want to help.

You deserve so much more than this. And you know it. Stay strong.

Promise me you are going to kick this sack of shit out of your home. He has no shame expecting you to share a roof when he’s been sleeping with this home wrecker. Kick him out and get on the phone to the cms so he starts paying his maintenance.

Pick his bags and change the locks.