Anyone else feel resentful?

[LoopTheLoops]

Does anyone else feel a bit resentful about having to do everything alone? I know most people on Mumsnet seem to love being a single parent but does anyone else actually feel quite resentful about it especially as it wasn’t my choice.

Most of the time I am happy on my own with the kids. Their dad always made everything much harder.

I resent him not paying his way. The kids could have a much better quality of life. And I might have shoes without holes. But we do ok.

I miss doing things like camping. I can't do that on my own. And sometimes get lonely sat at the park or beach. my eldest is a teen and good company so it gets easier as they get older. And we are glamping in the summer. So there are ways around things.

Been a single parent is tough.

I just don't think about it. I would prefer to be a Lp to not having my ds

I resent doing all the hard graft while my ex constantly gets all the good, fun and easy parts of parenting. He pays £100 a month in maintenance which pisses me off as it doesn't even touch the sides.
I do enjoy being single in general as I have found my relationships toxic and detrimental to my mental health but raising a child solo is haaaaaard!

I guess it just one of those days! I’m ill so feeling pretty rubbish about having to do everything with not let up, no one to muck in and help or feed the kids or entertain them etc, (he doesn’t see them at all) my 4 year old keeps nagging me for things, she’s ill as well so has napped during the day so tonight going to be fun 😓 just resent everything falling on me.

As a pp said, I get resentful (still, 10 years on) that I get no cm. Other than that, it is a huge relief that my life runs by my rules and I am happy. When mine was 4, I felt resentful of the sheer weight of it on my shoulders alone, it is hard when they are little and it is relentless and you are exhausted.

I’m probably unusual as I’m not really bothered about the lack of maintenance (he pays nothing, before that it was £7) as I never really had it to miss it if that Makes sense? I would much rather an involved active father who didn’t pay than an absent deadbeat who pays, I know I’m on my own with that though

I get resentful that we’re not co parenting equally. Everything is very much left to me and he pays no money, and barely sees her. I don’t mind being a single parent really, it is what it is, but I am jealous of those who separated and the dads remain involved and committed to their kids lives. I mean I can do it all, and afford it all, but it would be nice to share the load, and not have the relentless responsibility of parenting without a co parent.

Yes that’s it’s really audweb I feel a bit sad seeing how involved other dads are, I have older children as well as my 4 year old and he has never once picked them up from school never even been there, never even had them overnight since we split. He’s now fully absent. I Struggle not to feel down about it.

I'm resentful as hell i didn't choose this and seeing him with £300 tatoos when he "struggles" to pay child support (less than 7 a week for two kids what a prince) it pisses me off when he buys car after car after car it irritates me when he lies about petty petty shite its frustrating I dont give a SHIT if he goes on holiday with his girlfriend just tell me so I can arrange childcare on your days while I'm at working dont text me telling me you have a migraine or someone has had a heart attack and you cant make it just grow the FUCK UP and say im on holiday on x and y weeks I will be fine and not care because I'm over you IM OVER YOU he doesn't get it and acts like I want him its been 7 years since he was arrested and bailed away from my home I was over him then and im DEFINITELY over him now

I just want to move on without dealing with his crap and the fallout from his crap but he makes it hard while being able to get on with his life zero consequences no kids except a couple of hours here and there no responsibility apart from the £7

Some people don't deserve children they really don't

Yep. I resent the fuck out of it. I didn't choose it either. Ex pays cms and does eow but will never ever put their interests firsts or make my life a tiny bit easier by sorting out a haircut or anything like that. In the early days, if I raised this, I got told I was a terrible mother who resented her kids. I thi k he knows now not to go there but he genuinely thinks that he is a good parent and that his contribution is equal to mine. I've offered to lay out the finances so he can see the facts but of course he's not interested in that at all.

My resentment triggers were when I had to literally run from the office to the train station to get back for pick up from after school club. The relentlessness of it led to me getting shingles a few years ago - I was absolutely depleted.
I'm resentful that he just wants high days and holidays whilst I do the hard graft. He tried to get alternating Christmas and I draw the line at that.
I resent that he has been able to have another relationship whilst it's not possible for me.
Having said all that I try to take the view that the best revenge is a happy life and I try to make the best of things.
DD definitely loves me the most though so he's missed out on what's really important.

Yes I agree with that. Mine boils over when I get a call that one of the kids is sick and it's always me that has to leave work, or when one wets the bed at 2am, or they both want to do something totally different at the same time. And if he ever gets a sniff that I have rearranged anything to allow me to have a little bit of a life he bitches about it, meanwhile his life is front and centre with the kids round the edge.

Oh I definitely get resentful to the point of rage.

EXH is residing in one of her majesties establishments. Left me destitute, homeless and on my own out of the blue. (But that's a looooooomng story)

Now here I am, holding down a full time job, school drop offs and pick ups, one income, running a household and all the expense, raising a child. I do all the cooking, cleaning, Laundry.

Meanwhile he gets to sit in a guilded tower with no responsibility, 3 square meals a day and a TV in his room and a pet fucking bird, he's even allowed to paint his "room" and decorate as he sees fit in this place they don't share with anyone else. Gets a education, do as much arts and crafts as he likes (For context he's not in a normal institution, it's a therapeutic community")

But yeah I get the rage .. definitely.

Can I have 2 weeks of my own room, with books, TV, someone else doing the cooking and laundry and I can just sit in bed all day 🙄

I’m happy 80% of the time.

I’m not resentful he hasn’t paid for 6 years, or that he rarely sees them.

Oddly my resentment comes of other single parents, mums who have every other weekend free and particularly dads who have loads of free time. Specifically that they seem to easily fall into relationships. I feel jealous that will never be me as I have no free time.

But it’s an odd emotion because actually I don’t want a full relationship, I don’t want to share my home and I recognise that actually they are probably lonely and miss their kids a lot of the time.

Very very odd the guy emotive jealous Vs actual logic!

Mine is grown now. I don't really know anything but being a single mum as I split from ex when she was little.

I resent that pretty much as soon as we split he became almost immediately disinterested in dd. I fought like hell to keep him in her life and he made precious little effort himself.

I resent that he very clearly favours the sons he's since had with wife 2

I resent that he messed me about over maintenance - he paid sometimes but it couldn't be relied upon and if he'd played fair on this it would have alleviated some stress for me and meant I could have got dd certain things more easily ESPECIALLY when dd was younger and I could see him plastering all over Facebook his new big house in a posh village, new cars for him and wife, latest phones, his sons getting everything they could possibly ask for, holidays 2,3,4 times a year to USA, France, even Australia a few times etc etc yet he begrudged dd every penny he ever paid in cm

But I don't resent having raised dd alone, I don't resent that because of the bond we developed as a result, it was the 2 of us against the world and nobody can take that away.

He will never have that bond with her because he isn't the one that wiped her tears after a nightmare, put calamine on when she had chicken pox, cleaned up her vomit when she was sick, went to her dance performances and school plays (even when we lived very near him he never attended once!), got her to laugh when she was experiencing her first break up, advised her on supporting her friend when friends mum was seriously ill... he has NONE of those memories, none of that time and care invested

I don't resent the time and adaptations I had to make to my life as a mother as that would likely have happened anyway.

But I resent his treatment OF dd very much.

He won't communicate with me at all now, and this has been true for several years, he cut dd out of his life totally for some years too which was so hurtful and so wrong.

Part of me would love to have a good rant at him about what a shite dad he's been, but I also know that won't change anything.

What is your situation op?

especially as it wasn’t my choice.

As someone else kinda said to me - "do you really think ANY woman who was in a relationship with the father planned on being a single mum?"

It wasn't my choice either. It was his by way of an affair (though I believe he genuinely didn't expect A to get caught! B for ow to get pregnant!)

It is your choice how you approach the situation

You can dwell on the resentment and anger or you can focus on building as good a life as possible for you and your dc

And that doesn't have to be completely alone, build a support network too if you can

Dd recently got back in touch with him and he basically just expected them to pick up where he left off - she is 8 years older! He missed her teens totally. He expects her to be the same with him as his sons are in terms of respect/discipline (she's 20!?) despite he's almost a stranger to her

I don't know what he's thinking to be honest!

@MaleficentsCrow well done to you for surviving all that. I've had periods of homelessness too ex couldn't care less!

I've never really felt able to get into another serious relationship. At first I was too hurt and found it hard to trust, then I met one chap and things went well for a while but then we hit an impasse (he realised he did want dc of his own after thinking he didn't and I couldn't have any more medically so that led to us breaking up) I've not met anyone since that I've felt is someone I'd want to get serious enough with to move in with. I think I've got maybe too comfortable being single actually I like having total autonomy. At the moment my health is such a relationship isn't even on the horizon of possible!

I'm 50 next year and quite honestly I don't think I'll ever have another committed relationship in my life.

Yesterday I didn't much fancy parenting alone. I have recently gone full time. And I'm getting over whelmed with just having the weekends to do things that need doing. (I use to have a day in the week for jobs) It is an adjustment.

It feels like the grass needs cutting every weekend. And the car needs cleaning. The oven also as it stinks this week. My health won't let me do these things in an evening so now I have a day of jobs at the weekend. I resent that very much. If I was still with the kids dad. I could of stayed part time. And had someone to share the jobs.

If he paid his way I could put source some jobs. Car wash and oven cleaner.

As it is. Like you all it falls to me. And summer holidays are looming. And he has offered a bunch of random days. For the first time in ten years! No doubt to impress the new girlfriend.

I know I am so fortunate. We have a home. A car (Need it for work) our health etc etc. But yesterday I was just so over whelmed with it all.

Today is another day.

At times, yes.
Lots resonates here. I work full time, like many others and when there is, I start to feel like a work horse. My head spins out, there's so much to keep on top of.
I'm also trapped by XH's unpredictable shifts.
He gives me a few days notice of when he is free to have DS (usually one day at the weekend and one evening for tea), which means I feel I can't plan anything.
Of course I could never date anyone under this regime, but he has managed to snare his next poor victim, go figure! 🙄 Obviously more days off than I get to hear about, he just picks and chooses.
I'm mostly grateful for my life being much less horrible than when I was with XH but there's no doubt it's tough.

Just me and my DD here. Her dad has stepped up in recent years but it's been a gradual improvement.

Feeling sorry for myself today as we both have covid with symptoms

He never pays for school uniforms etc. I get maintenance £120/ month so not loads but some. He has her once a week overnight but misses some occasionally

Never had her for more than 2 consecutive nights she's 9!

She loves him and when they are together they get along great.

He cheated and left when she was 8 months old after 10 years together 7 years married 😢

Yes I feel resentful, for the fact that I do it all and he pops in for 1O minutes a week. But I know that I am soooo much happier and the kids are not missing out at all xx

Yes I feel incredibly resentful and it’s something I’m working on.

I have three kids and they are all young (youngest a toddler) and even though ex pays maintenance and sees kids weekly, everything falls to me. It feels so relentless.

This week he changed his days with the kids because he had a date which meant he had them in the week rather than the weekend and this meant that I spent my child-free day at work.

And don’t get me started that he is already onto new relationships and moving on when I feel so stuck with the responsibilities of the kids, the house and work all by myself. I can’t even plan in a hair appointment as my ex chops and changes days at the drop of a hat to suit his schedule.

Yep, horribly resentful here.

I resent the fact that I was the one to end the relationship due to his abusive behaviour, yet he's the one to find the lovely supportive partner with the beautiful house that he moved into after a few months, who facilitates activities and quality time when the kids spend EOW there, while he makes the bare minimum of effort. Difficult for me to find a supportive partner, when I only have EOW to date!

I resent the fact that he pays the bare minimum of maintenance, refuses to buy the kids any clothes, while openly boasting that he's "poor" because he's spent all his disposable income on DJ equipment.

I resent the fact that he won't have them one night in the week, which would revolutionise my ability to work (am self employed, and often work on site), because it's "too far" to drive them to school in the mornings (30-40 minutes, and it was his decision to move that far away- to move into his new partner's lovely house). Similarly, he won't drive DS to an activity he loves on Saturday mornings because it's "too far".

I resent the fact that I do ALL the boring, tedious crap (new school visits, buying uniform, arranging to get the fucking bikes fixed, cutting nails, dentists' visits, checking for headlice, getting feet measured and buying new shoes, you name it) while he does fuck all.

And most of all, I resent the fact that society seems to think that all this is just fine, and gives him a massive pat on the back for being a great dad, whilst constantly vilifying single mums

exp does barely anything and that pisses me off, I'm the earner, sole carer, organiser, school run person, basically everything. So I have my moments! But I do try to focus on bettering our lives as best I can, and I guess in some ways I enjoy the "freedom" of being in charge of me and DS and being able to mostly decision make on my own.

I think I often feel a bit more resentful about other people's judgements. Nobody who isn't a lone parent can know how tough it is, they often seem to have their head in the clouds about your situation and make judgements on your life and why it is like it is. It's not like we're not doing our best all the time is it?

I see single parenting as kind of learning to live within the limits of this new lifestyle. Acceptance is key and striving to improve where possible, slowly and steadily small things each day / week.

Focus on what you can change rather than what or who you can't.

100%

But then again resentments make you bitter and give you wrinkles, this is a phase in life and it will get better x