At my wits end. What do I do with my daughter.

[ThirdTimeIucky]

Any help welcome I'm at my wits end.

My daughter who is three and 6 months, has always been shouty and I have struggled. For a number of reasons I find the shouting quite triggering. As I'm sure many will understand, it's like sensory overload at times. She can be very sweet and loving, but also incredibly demanding, shouty, cross, etc.

I have tried my best to manage this as best as I can gently and calmly, but I don't always manage.

However in the last week or so she has started being incredibly physical. Bedtime seems to be the worst time, because I suppose at other times I can walk away and descalate the situation. But at bedtime she's tired and there are things like going for a wee, getting changed, into a nappy and teeth brushing, that you just can't avoid.

She has started kicking me, hitting me, going to bite. This evening she got her hand in my hair and pulled a huge chunk out. No reasoning would get her to let go, so I had to prize her hand out. I found it incredibly distressing.

I'm absolutely put of ideas. Until recently she has been a pretty compliant child. Generally doing what is asked of her without much fuss. But right now the smallest request or refusal leads to a fall out. I can count the number of tantrums I remember her having on two fingers. Until this week.

I'm terrified she's going to hurt herself. But also terrified I will hurt her inadvertently. Last night she nearly hit her head on the cistern of the toilet, so I lifted her off. At which point she started kicking me and pushing her legs against me. I was terrified she'd throw herself on the floor. She's quite physically strong now. He has started taking about how a boy at nursery is hitting her (from what I can tell this isn't just aimed at her, but a general thing) and I'm not sure if watching this has had some sort of impact.

I'm sadly a single parent, although I have a good relationship with her Dad. We have family days out and even went on holiday together. I want to do the right thing here but I'm quite frankly at a loss to know how to deal with this.

Please help!

What consequences does she get for hurting you?

I'm so sorry OP it sounds really tough at the moment. Both my DDs have been similar behaved at that age, for us it was because their sense of independence was so strong and they got incredibly frustrated if we tried to do things "for them" that they wanted to do themselves.

It got much better when we planned ahead and allowed much more time (like 5x as much) to go anywhere or do anything so they could do it themselves. So letting them get their own clothes on, even if it takes forever to do it, climb in the car seat by themselves and so on.

It was a power/control thing and they needed to feel in charge of their own lives way more than when younger. Also allowing them to let off stress from nursery at home was important, especially at the end of the week when its built up by being at nursery every day

I've always taken away things she likes, or the threat of it usually was enough, in the past. Such as no TV before bed, or no tablet time etc. This has been enough in the past. But we are way beyond that. I'm quite honestly out of ideas. Usually removing myself from the situation was enough. She hates being ignored, and will calm down or come for a cuddle. And honestly 9/10 I still think it does work, but that isn't always possible.

Thanks @hemhem. As much as hate the idea of others dealing with this, and wouldn't wish it on anyone, it's nice to know I'm not alone.

As you say. There is a huge element of control. The rub often comes when we are in a rush. But mostly at the end of the day, which I'm sure for many is the hardest part of the day. I'm tired from work or a long day of being shouted at, and she's tired from a long day of nursery, or shouting at me. We have (or so I thought) a decent routine on an evening, where I try and get tea sorted for as soon as she gets in, and then we chill out with hot milk on the sofa. But it does often feel quite rushed.

I think honestly she's exhausted a lot of the time. But she has no interest in napping and hasn't ever consistently napped, even when she was tiny. She dropped the daytime nap at a few months old. So has always had an early bedtime. But recently she has often been wide awake gone 8 ( even before the late sun in the evenings) and honestly doesn't stop in between.

I’ve been watching the Supernanny clips on YouTube - she’s not perfect but it might give you an idea?

I hate the shouting too and I’m not sure where it’s come from as we’re pretty even toned. We had to abandon a day out this week as DS (2.5) just lost it.
I could have cried!

I’m trying to pick my battles so more strict with trying food and more freedom like asking him to pick up something in the supermarket shelves for example.

It’s knackering and frustrating though and there’s two of us. I hope you get a break if you can.

What time is she up in the morning and what time is bedtime?

@biscuitandacuppa. Due to her toaly inability fo nap, ever, she has always had an early bedtime, which has shifted back a bit, but not much. I have her in bed by 6.30 to 7. And generally she'll wake at 6.30. Although occasionally as early as 5 or as late as 7.30. This week I had to wake her up at 7.30 for nursery. A couple of weeks ago she was crawling in my bed at 5am.

Poor you. No advice really but want to follow as want to see others suggestions, we have an angry toddler in our house and it’s exhausting!

One more question, how is her vocabulary and speech? Is she able to clearly express herself in words? Our DD2 has a great vocabulary but when she feels big emotions (which is a LOT!!) She really struggles to talk and explain her feelings and often lashes out instead. If I name her feeling for her it often helps her calm down quicker, except i must never ever dare suggest she's tired at bedtime or we get the dreaded " I'M NOT TIRED".shouted at us. Its a clear sign she's exhausted and needs her bed!!

OP, I do find that at that age consequences that are far away don't work..... it needs to be at that moment. Personally I use the naughty chair. It kind of works. You remove HER from the situation

Start bedtime earlier, before she is so exhausted she goes into overdrive.

It does sound like she might be tired. Lots of sympathy for you OP, it must e hard doing it all yourself. Do you have any support/venting opportunities?

My dd was like this.

As she got older it became increasingly obvious that this was down to anxiety and control. About age 8 or so when we made the link.

She’s 14 now. Still wilful but can articulate her anxiety.

I found ‘The Explosive Child’ very very helpful.

I feel for you OP, it is a challenging age.

First, yes I think the boy hitting her at nursery is affecting her. It is proven the children who are hit, will then hit others. That’s why DV in the home by parent(s) on their children usually presents with sibling abuse going on between the children. She is learning from this boy that hitting us how you get your way. So she’s trying that on you. You need to address this with the nursery as they may be adopting a “boys will be boys” and not doing anything to stop this boy from abusing his play mates including your DD.

Secondly, I had a DC (all grown now) with ODD, or oppositional defiance disorder. These children will refuse anything you ask as their way to exert control over you and sometimes just because they think it is fun.

Your DD doesn’t have this, but I found the parenting techniques for ODD children worked on my other DC during these tantrum years. Things like always offer a choice never command. So if it’s bedtime and she needs bath, teeth brushed, use the potty...instead of saying right let’s go run a bath...you say sweetie it’s bedtime, which would you like to do first? Bath, teeth or potty? There’s more, but if you look up parenting an ODD child, there are tons of tips that work very well in normally stubborn toddlers.

You need to probably be a bit firmer as she needs to know you’re in charge and not her. It can be very overwhelming for a little one if they don’t feel a strong boundary. Balanced out with lots of reassurance and positive reinforcement when she isn’t shouting- so make a point of saying how lovely it is when she talks nicely and you can hear her well. But when she shouts you either walk away and tell her you’re not going to listen to her when she’s shouting as it’s not kind. Or you say she’s clearly feeling (angry? Frustrated? Cross? Try to empathise a little and offer a cuddle e.g
“Rosie? I can hear you are very cross that it’s bedtime and you don’t want to do your teeth. Would you like a cuddle? No? (If she keeps shouting) okay then you will need to sit here (any agreed space) until you calm down and then you can come and find me in the bedroom when you’re ready to talk again as I don’t want to hear shouting”
Obviously if she is just yelling out of control then I’d walk away. It’s hard enough to reason with a toddler.
But she’s old enough to talk about it to and explain things. Involve her and get a kitchen timer. So say “Rosie. In 5 minutes we are going to get nappy on ready for bed. Can you listen out for the beeps and try to get your nappy for me when you hear them?” So she is cooperative but feels it’s in her control a little too. Sharing?

Hope some of it helps.