I hate being a single parent

[november90]

I don't miss my ex in the slightest... not a single smidge. Just want to make that clear.
But I cannot get over the complete heartbreak of not seeing my children everyday. It's still gut wrenching... I could cry at any given time at the thought of them not being here. I hate having to share them with such a selfish, cocky, arrogant, self obsessed man who thinks he knows everything and I'm worthless.
I hate it. I don't want a weekend to myself. I don't want anything other then being the mum I wanted to be and HE took it away from me. He agreed to have a second baby with me and the. Walked out on me during my pregnancy and has made my life hell.
I just don't know how I'll ever accept the situation I am in. It's been nearly 2 years and I still cannot get through this grief of loosing part of my motherhood.
I'm having cbt therapy. No point to this thread really other then desperately hoping it gets better :(

november90 so sorry that you are going through this, your pain and heartbreak comes through in your post.
Do you think you can find your way to a place where, although you hate the way things are, you accept that this is the situation you're in?
I think I understand why you dont want to accept it, from my own experience that feels too much like agreeing to it, but whilst you refuse to accept it you are kind of stuck and fighting against reality.
I think it's good that you are having therapy, that shows a commitment to move forward💙
How is it going?

I feel like I wrote this, right down to the pregnancy with an agreed dc2 he walked out on. I'm still reeling over not seeing my kids every single day, I'm tearful and hurt and angry at the world for not spending every weekend with them. I'm no help but I so sympathise.

How did you deal with contact with the baby? I'm only 5 months in and I'm finding it very tricky to navigate. Legally he is allowed to take her away but emotionally I cannot cope with the thought at all. The older one is having to spend nights away from the younger one as I just can't bear overnights yet and my ex is putting so much pressure on for more and more time.

I think that what makes it so much more difficult is DS2. I feel so very protective over him because I was pregnant when ex left. He's been flakey with him, one minute threatening to take him off me, the next he doesn't even ask how he is when he's been unwell. At the min he only sees him a. Few hours one day a week. He is BF and although he's 12 months now, he still hasn't built up that much time with him. I told him the time would gradually build up and then he changed his job which ment he could one see him once a week. He then never asked to increased the time for a good few months and then started threatening to take him more.... you get the gist! I think he will just expect to take him overnight one day. He won't be fully interested in him until he has his as much as DS1.
I feel so out of control. Ex has emotionally abused me throughout the pregnancy, birth and following. One min his fine and reasonable, the next he's sulking with me and ignoring me and being mean about me. I hate him. I don't want to hate anyone but I hate him SO much for taking my children away from me. I know they're not just mine, but they are my world. I don't love anything more then them, I just hate this. I've put so much more into them, never ever let them down. He walked out and now just gets to take them whenever he wants.
Thanks for being so kind both. It really is just the worst thing to have to go through and I absolutely do need to change my mindset, but I just feel so bruised and hollow and bitter!

@Egeegogxmv it's going so well but I only have a few sessions left and maybe that's why I'm feeling so vulnerable! I don't really know what I've taken away from it yet other then talking to someone once a week who tells me I'm not crazy, haha! But thank you for being so lovely. I just really needed that tonight ♥️

@bookishtartleti I am SO sorry you're in my shoes. I really, really am. It just feels so unfair doesn't it :( as I mentioned in my previous message, I told ex we would gradually build up the time. He'll never be a dad who walks away from them, but he cares when he wants to. So one minute he's full on and suffocating... then next I've taken DD for a Covid test and he hasn't even bothered to text

Oops pressed sent too soon!

@bookishtartlet .... hasn't even bothered to ask for the results or if he's ok! My advise would be to stay strong, stand your ground. Baby is still so young and you need to think about you and baby and not his pressure. What would taking the baby do to their relationship over night? Baby would be missing their mummy and upset I imagine! I know it's easy me saying this, but looking back in those early months I just wish I hadn't fallen to his pressure and into anxiety as much as I did. Stay strong and do what YOU think is right!

I'm sorry. It's so so hard isn't it. Because of someone else's actions/behaviour/decision you've had to compromise on the vision of parenting you had.

I positively HATE my ex for doing this to me too.

Once they are older you will relish the free time. I never thought I'd say that. But what is still a real PITA is coparenting. The school material logistics and feeling like I'm competing sometimes within my own children's lives! Every holiday or event is marred because you have to take the other parent into account. The constant fear I have of that demand for more shared time with them too. We should just enjoy our children without all these worries!

You are not alone.

@Berry456 omg yes, the constant fear. I literally feel like I'm constantly frightened of his threats. The CBT therapist is trying to help me deal with uncertainty because I think that is a massive issue that I have.... but I'm not quite through that bit yet!
I just feel everything you've said!

I'm trying to stay strong, but he now has lawyers involved, wanting more access. I've delayed things as much as possible until the baby was older
We tried him visiting here and him taking her for short periods away. He is not satisfied with building up the time gradually and is already expecting overnights. This makes me feel sick. He cannot see why he cannot have shared residence of both, ASAP.

We cannot get on in the same room, I asked him to stop with the low level resentment constantly and apparently I'm being unreasonable as it was my fault We split. Every time he left, I was strung out and stressed. He would leave the little one screaming at weeks old and just go when his time was up, leaving me to deal with both of them on my own. My older one struggled with the constant screaming of a reflux baby, and sharing my time. I was very, very mentally unwell when I was pregnant and he holds this against me always. When our youngest was 4 days old, he sent me a torrent of abuse about how I was an unfit mother. I really am not an unfit mother, both my children are thriving, happy and healthy. He cannot leave what has happened in the past and have a working relationship for the sake of the kids. There is zero communication when he has them, he has kept my son off school sick several times and I have had no idea.

He was not involved in the pregnancy, and was not hugely proactive when our first was a baby. I'm finding it hard to let go of the control aspect, which is my issue. I'm on the waiting list for counselling, I really do need it.

He is not a bad dad, he manages In his own disorganised last minute way, but doesn't plan ahead or do much with them. They are scruffy and in clothes too small for them. Their diet is terrible and my son misses his extra curricular clubs. The thought of not having these kids for days at a time Is just too much for me to bear, I genuinely can't cope with it.

Sending love 💘

@bookishtartlet oh my goodness that sounds absolutely horrendous. You need to contact women's aid, they will help you fight this!!! He is an emotional abuser! Trust me I've spoken to them in the past and they can help and help with legal fees etc! They are amazing, even if you just want advice. What a super mummy you are ♥️
Whatever you decide has to be in the child's best interest. Every solicitor and health visitor I spoke to suggested short but frequent bursts which gradually increase over time. Baby would be so upset just going over night, it's not going to help their relationship. If you go to court, they will acknowledge this. Let him take you to mediation and court if need be, it will take a good while before anything is enforced and hopefully he will back off! Hopefully mediation will work. Look after yourself aswell though lovely, you've had a hell of a time ♥️

I think I would focus on keeping him sweet but always stay one step ahead of him and make sure you see through him underneath and around him.
I know this is time consuming but I would keep a detailed log of all interactions with him, it will help you to monitor him over time, he will not be as deeply attached to them as you are and will get bored. Probably the main reward that he's getting out of having his children is that doing so is pissing you off and giving him a feeling of control over you.
Remember that you catch more flies with honey, maybe let him have the Disney dad badges if he wants them, subtly make him feel as if he can trust you, as if he's getting what he wants, you are the one who has the deeper connection with them the person they know they can trust who has their back.
Keep him sweet so he lets his guard down, but never let your guard down, use a surface persona via which you interact with him.

@bookishtartlet
I'm sorry things are so hard for you, there must be a way through this. I think this man is motivated ultimately by wanting power and control, but he doesn't really want the inconvenience and stress of looking after children, that's why he doesn't do any actual parenting. There must be a way to make him get bored of this 'game' more quickly?

Op I mean this gently but he’s not taken your motherhood away from you. It’s ok to be apart from hour kids, be it when they are with their dad, or at nursery or school. It’s not healthy for your whole life to focus on your kids, it’s not healthy for you or for them.

Conversely if he never saw the kids you’d not be happy likely with that either. I think deep down you know the children have to develop a relationship with their father, irrelevant of your relationship together and what happened.

I think if the therapy is coming to an end see if there is a way to extend to more sessions. Also maybe speak to your gp. Anything you can do to continue to get yourself into a healthy place will be hugely beneficial

And always remember that as parents our role is to put our children first,
And building a relationship with their father is important, and you’re doing a fantastic job of permitting that. 💐

As a mum that has an absent ex I feel the opposite, I hate never getting a break ever (not had one in 5 years 😢) and I think it’s good for children to have a relationship with their father. I agree with the above comment I think if he never saw them or bothered with them you would be annoyed at that as well.

@LoopTheLoops sorry you have a difficult situation too. Dealing with an emotionally abusive ex I would rather be on my own then be constantly reminded of his behaviour, but that's my personal feelings and I don't force these on the children. They see him to the extent of time he suggested and I agreed. He manipulates me all the time by threatening to take them off me if I don't agree with him whenever he wants. It's not always as simple as you may think.

@Bluntness100 I don't take offence at all, thank you for the comments. Like I said above, I don't do anything to take away from their relationship, they see him when we've agreed. But that doesn't mean that I don't have feelings and that I am any less heartbroken.

Being threatened by your ex really isn’t good or healthy. At all.

op. I would feel the same, I hate being apart from mine.