Telling children about moving out

[Fitzroygurl10087]

Hi all, me and my stbx are planning to tell our children (6&9) that he is moving out. He is moving into a flat next weekend so I thought that we could tell them together this weekend but I don't know the best way to do it. Stbx is insisting that we do it at home but I'm really worried that they will have bad memories of where they were sitting when we told them, but stbx says it's the safest place and if we do it in the park or coffee shop (as per my suggestion) then they may run off. Also not sure if the time of day matters or how long before the event? Is a week ok? I'm so scared of screwing it up and making it even worse for them. Their dad is hardly ever around anyway and when he is he doesn't engage with them,but they love him. Help! Any advice much appreciated! X

I would say home, so if they get upset they don’t have to put up with people staring at them, and early in the day so they have time to absorb the information and ask any questions rather than off to bath then bed or whatever.
DM told us at home, there’s no getting away from the fact that they will be upset but I don’t have bad memories of being told, just memories.
I hope it all goes smoothly

Thank you, that is true that they would hate it if everyone was looking at them. Guess stbx is right on this one then! I'm dreading it.

At home. Just keep it simple. Mummy and daddy don't want to be together anymore. We both love you very much. Daddy will be moving to his own place and you will spend time with daddy there and time with mummy here.

There will be tears. Lots of cuddles and ice cream.

My two don't remember it at all. I do as clear as day. Then the children and I went to the fair afterwards as if nothing had happened.

At home so they can react however they want to react without worrying about public behaviour.
Have answers to questions they're likely to ask ready.
Will you be keeping the house permanently or will you likely move after the divorce? The kids will want to know.
How often will they see Dad? What if they miss him can they call him? If you have pets who get them, do they move with the children? When will they see the new place? Will they sleep there? Will they have their own rooms?

Answer questions, reassure them that you both love them and its not about them, and nothing they've done and let them be sad/mad/whatever they feel.
I wouldn't give them too much warning, as otherwise they're likely to fret about it.

For clarification the questions up there, are things children are likely to worry/ask about. I'm not expecting you to answer them on mumsnet, just think about them before you tell the kids.

Thank you @unicornsarereal72 . Maybe I should plan somewhere nice to take them afterwards. Stbx works all weekend and says he can come to tell them on either Saturday or Sunday morning so can we do another time! But I'm worried if we do it mid week they will be tired from school etc. Would it be a bad idea to do it on my own?

Thanks for the great advice @negomi90 , I will definitely do it at home now. Stbx is moving to a 1br flat so won't be having overnights for a long time, so that may make it easier, or not!

Do it together. Weekend best so they have got a day or two to ask questions. Mine didn't ask any. They were 10/5. We just went out and the fair happened to be in town. So it wasn't planned. I wouldn't make a big thing of it. Just go about your day. And let them know you will answer any questions they have.

Would 'touch base again' with them maybe at bed time or the next day if they have anything they want to ask. And let school know so they can support.

I’d avoid Sunday as Father’s Day I’d leave it till in the week . You don’t want any anchor for a sad day . Good luck 💐

Don't let his sleeping arrangement stop them going. I know right now you want to keep them close and being apart from them is heart breaking. But in time you will be glad of the break. And will have that time for you to rest. And socialise when you feel ready.

They can have the bed and he can sleep on the sofa. Or air bed.

It would be great to have a break @unicornsarereal72 , I have asked him if we will have them overnight and he doesn't want to yet, hopefully that will change when he's settled but I don't hold out too much hope

Father's Day! Oh no!

Has to be Saturday then. I wouldn't get too hung up on dates myself. And I wouldn't be giving him the option of opting out of parenting. Eow. Start as you mean to go on.

I would have said do it alone, but i dont think you would want to be seen as "the bad guy", so perhaps together but keep it short and to the point. Then go out somewhere nice and let them process it, mabey the beach or for a walk so they can ask questions?

Sorry OP, it sucks but it will get easier

Thanks everyone, we are going to tell them together after school today. Not ideal but otherwise it would be late in the afternoon over the weekend and stbx says he can't take time off work. I feel sick with nerves, it feels like we are going to go in and ruin their lives, I'm dreading it so much.

Tbh they might surprise you OP. My DP and his ex sat down and told my SS together in their home and he was fine. He was almost 6 at the time.

He had a few wobbles over the first few weeks when he was actually realising what it meant and that he wouldn't be seeing his mum and dad at the same time anymore, but overall the reassurance and information they gave him allowed him to cope well with it. My DP also called him every day so he knew his dad was always still there for him.

OP don't tell them in their bedrooms. I always remember where I was told and it was awful - I can still remember it now - it came as a complete shock to me. Just remember to reassure them that they will still see you both, nothing will change regarding school and that they will have two homes to visit and they can always come to you to ask any questions.

Thanks @Bibidy , I'm hoping that they will be ok as they are used to him not being around but I supposed that's different to not actually having him living together anymore. I may suggest the phone calls as that sounds like a good idea x

If you and the ex are in good terms the one thing I would say is maybe agree a day, once or twice a year you both take the kids out, as they are young.

I don’t have one memory of being out with both my parents, it’s the only thing that bugs me a little. It’s not that bad with split parents, but I did see my dad every weekend.

Thanks @gonnabeok , we were planning to sit on the sofa in the living room to do it, do you think that will be ok? I feel awful knowing that they are going to have this awful memory their whole lives. That's the reason I have put of divorcing my husband but I just can't carry on anymore and I feel like they are currently getting a really abnormal idea of what a relationship is-lacking affection or respect

Told ours at the table in the kitchen. I still have that table in my new home with my dp years later. Don't overthink the memories thing. And don't be surprised if the 6 year old barely acknowledges it, kids can be strange

Don't over think it. My eldest was glad. his dad was a 'strong' character and had us all walking on egg shells. They are both pleased it is just us now.

It was hard but if you keep it calm. They will reflect your emotions.

Yes or maybe at the kitchen table. Whilst I don't blame them for me my parents didn't handle it very well. It came as a complete shock to me. My dad told me he was moving out, that there was no one else, but my mum stayed in the kitchen the whole time and when I asked her if it was true she nodded.
No body mentioned to me things would be ok, where I would live, when I would see my dad even. He left and I never saw him for 8 weeks. Turned out he'd had an affair. He spent about 5 minutes telling me and that was it - my life as I knew it was blown apart.

That is how not to do it.... I spent the whole time worrying if we would have to leave the house if my mum couldn't afford to pay the mortgage, if I had to move schools or leave my friends. So reassurance really is key as security is so important to children.

Thanks so much everyone, don't know what I would do without this! I think that we will tell them at the table, we are going to say that Daddy is going to get his own flat but that it's just around the corner and they can call him on the phone anytime. I will say that they will stick see him for after school on Wednesday Thursday as that happens pick up days. Will tell them that they are staying in the house with me and their cat so not to worry and that their school will be the same. Hope that will be the right amount of information. I find all your comments so helpful and reassuring xx

@Fitzroygurl10087

Thanks *@Bibidy* , I'm hoping that they will be ok as they are used to him not being around but I supposed that's different to not actually having him living together anymore. I may suggest the phone calls as that sounds like a good idea x

I think the phone calls are a really good idea. My DP still does this now even 6 years later. Just means his kids are confident that they can always reach him and for him he's up to date with their school lives and stuff in between his weekends. Good luck. x

No advice to add but just wanted to say I hope it goes as well as these things can and I will be (virtually) holding your hand this afternoon. It's obvious from your post your DC are front and centre of your priorities and that means they will be ok, and so will you