Eldest wants option of contacting NRP

[lostandconfused30]

As my title says, my eldest child wants to have the option of contacting his biological father. He is now mid-teens and he has been wondering and wants to "see what he has to say for himself". I'm remarried, my new husband is an amazing father to my kids from my first marriage plus our one together. My eldest wants to change his surname when he is old enough to match mine and my husbands. He was only 2 when I left my ex and has never had contact through ex's own choice.

I'm not sure what to do. He has blocked us on Facebook so I can't go down that route. My child doesn't want to give out his number. He has said he would buy a separate sim just for that reason and throw it away after he was done but I would rather he not do that. He wants a phone number to call or email address to write to without giving out his details and being contacted out of the blue when he isn't ready.

I'm not even sure which country my ex is in. Last I know he was in the US but after having a look it seems he has split with his latest wife and as he isn't a US citizen I assume he wouldn't have been allowed to stay. It was a short marriage too so I don't think it would have been long enough for him to get a green card. I could contact his ex-wife as they have a child together and the kids obviously have a right to know one another but I'm not sure how welcome that would be.

I'm also not sure how to broach this with my family. They all detest my ex with good reason but it's not about our feelings or wants it's about the children's rights.

I think the ex wife would be the best option unless you know any of his family?

I went to a talk about re-establishing direct contact for adopted children.

One of the things they suggested was if a teen wanted to make contact online was to have a separate email address (in their case not including their adopted surname) that they could then check, or not dependent on how they felt, and if they wanted they could abandon it all altogether. So it doesn't seem to me as if your son's suggestions are way out.

What he does need to think about hard is what does he want from contacting his birth dad, and would he cope if he were rejected. How would he balance his dad's 'truth' from your 'truth', etc.

I do know of family of his but I am the big bad wolf that left my ex and stopped him seeing the kids as far as they are concerned. I would rather they didn't get involved tbh. It took years to get them out of my life with their threats and accusations. I had to change my number 5 or 6 times as they would manage to get hold of it and pass it round anyone and everyone and I would be bombarded with threats and vile messages. I don't want them to start saying this stuff to my son.

@TeenMinusTests thank you for that. He has loads of email addresses (learnt from me in that regard to get more free trials of stuff lol).

I'm worried it will affect him badly if he is rejected. He already knows that I've never stopped his bio dad from having contact and have the transcripts of calls, copies of emails and also solicitors letters to prove that but I obviously want to protect him from that.

I'm also afraid that he will get sucked in and will believe his lies. I've already told him that he and his family have said they are expect the kids will turn their backs on me and go running off into the sunset with them. My son laughed and told me that in no way would he ever turn his back on me because I'm the one who raised him single handedly and his family sound deranged lol.

I guess the choices are to make a FB profile for your son to look for his Dad. As kids his age are usually not interested in FB he could deregister when he's finished getting the info that he needs.
Your family will be shocked but hopefully they will understand why he's curious abs needs to do this so he can draw a line under things. It doesn't mean that he doesn't appreciate how his life his turned out but humans are naturally curious.
I don't know how to protect against a negative outcome. Does your son accept that he may not get the truth or get what he wants from bis Dad? Is there someone neutral who he could discuss this with? (By neutral I mean doesn't know your ex and close enough to him that he can be honest?

@TotorosCatBus no there isn't anyone who is close enough to him that doesn't know my ex or was there through it all so no one unbiased in that regard.

I'm not sure how to approach this at all. If only we had a manual for all events and eventualities

Following as I’m in a very similar situation with dd1.

I have nothing constructive to add but I hope your son gets the answers he’s looking for and doesn’t get hurt in the process. I think it’s admirable that you’re supporting him in this, it’s hard to open that can of worms and I’ve been putting it off for a long time.

I support young people, many in a similar situation. It rarely ends well for the DC. The estranged parent is usually estranged for a reason and unless significant changes have happened, they are unlikely to engage in a way the DC want or need.

I would would speak to school and see if they have someone who could offer support and guidance.

If it was my DC I would want a very clear understanding of what they hope to achieve from the contact. I'd also want a plan in place to support them if this didn't happen. Rejection from a parent is awful, even if they were previously no contact.

My Dc1 did this a few years ago (similar situation dad chose to walk away and have no contact). I was anxious but assisted, we set up a Facebook account and then deactivated it.
Dc was 13 at the time, he agreed a meet up but dad really didn't engage, we tried a second meet up and still didn't engage (although admitted I'd never stopped the contact which dc knew as I showed the proof (edited edition)) . Dc chose to have no more contact after that.
It actually was a good outcome in a way it helped dc come to terms with the abandonment, dc seemed much more content after.
If I had my time again I wouldn't have told family as they were very negative about the meetings (they've since acknowledged that it was a good thing to happen).
Good luck, follow your instincts and do everything on dcs terms (my dc chose when and where the meet ups happened, took some photos of childhood to stimulate a conversation and had a signal if he wanted to leave).

I spoke to my husband last night and actually slept for the first time in days and didn't have nightmares about trying to get my kids back from my ex.

He was quite hurt which I expected. He is scared he will be rejected by them in favour of their bio father. I explained his fear to my eldest and he stated "but he is my dad. Blood doesn't matter. I'm not going to reject you guys at all" which set his mind at rest. He also said if we can adopt him at 16 without tying to track down his bio father he wants us to do that so I need to check if that's possible.

We sat down with him last night and asked why he wanted to do this and what he hoped to achieve. He wasn't sure he just said he wants to ask him "why?" We said it might be best to make a list of questions that he wants answers for and also a list of pros and cons and weigh up the risks.

We explained that he may not respond, may not tell the truth or may tell him to fuck off. We also said he might say some nasty things about me and my family so he needs to be prepared for that.

He has gone off and will think about it more. I'm anxious but it's good that I have shared it now and lessened my burden.

Is it bad that I'm hoping his list of cons is a lot longer than pros and he decides not to do it?

He also said if we can adopt him at 16 without tying to track down his bio father he wants us to do that so I need to check if that's possible.

You can adopt a child, but would in theory need permission from bio dad unless permission is dispensed with.
You cannot 'adopt' an adult.
I don't know the age cut off, but I doubt there is an 'in between' where you can still adopt but don't need the bio dad permission.
However when an adult your DS would be able to change his surname without permission from any one.

A friend had this.
He has only been gone 6 years but blanks his child.
My friend got out all the court papers and let the child read them.
She told him that the dad has never bothered to ask for contact and then told the child who was 14 at the time he could do as he wanted.
She drove him to see his dad, sat in the car while the child visited his dad.
The child walked out, said to his mum can we go to the pub and have a meal, as my dad is a duck. End of story.

I've been in a similar position to your son OP, in that I've had no contact with my bio dad ever. I don't remember him at all, and was extremely young when my parents split.
Court was involved, and as a result he wasn't allowed to contact me until I was 18...

Summer before I was 18 he did the little "fuck you nothing you can do to stop me after her birthday" dance to my mum, which prompted a sit down and the full truth of who he was etc and similar to you - potential outcomes of what contact might bring.

Funnily enough...there was no contact.

Several years later, several members of his family tracked me down on facebook (not bio dad though) - I wasn't interested at the time as had a lot of family stress ongoing.

It all happened again just over a year ago, I was drunk, and I engaged them in conversation.
In the end I set up a ghostmail address - they could write to me there and it would be forwarded onto me without them knowing my real address.

I'm still in 2 minds about it all, but the pandemic has brought it all forwards in my mind - what if something happens and i regret not seeing or speaking to them?

Your son sounds really sensible, and 100% on the up and up.
If it helps, 1p mobile do a great tariff and easy to set up/cancel the sim if he wants to go that way.

From your post, I'd suggest maybe going down the ex wife route - either she has contact or doesn't, and it removes that issue/involvement with his family here...