Society’s hidden bias

[liska5]

I’ve never been single until now, and never realised just how much more advantages we get when we are married. And I’m now getting so crushed by all the hidden bias towards a single mum, it’s really getting to me. First, it’s trying to meet someone new. I’m 41 and have two kids, and the majority of guys I’ve met online vanish the second they find out I have kids. I’ve tried putting it upfront into my profile or not putting it and mentioning on the first date - but the result is the same, I’ve never felt so ‘second class’ or something just because I have kids. And then there’s a search for a place to live. I’ve moved to Zurich with my two kids for work and rented last year a place in the middle of the first wave, just to have a house. But this summer, I’ve tried to move. It’s impossible. The landlords and agencies prefer to give nice flats to working couples - and as a single mum, I automatically miss out when there are other applicants, and there are always other applicants here. I have a good salary but that doesn’t matter because I’m alone. I realize that landlords want financial security and there’s more security when it’s two salaries, not one. But this is truly a hidden bias as it basically makes it impossible at all for a single mum to find a lovely flat. I just don’t know what to do. It’s as if I’m now being punished for not being able to save my marriage and being left alone. Totally crazy and sad...

The bias isn't hidden, you didn't notice it until it affected you. People that do not fit the ideal position are treated less favourably, be that through disability, colour or faith, lone parent status.

You’re right, I never noticed it. But it’s crazy and unfair. Especially the rent situation, it really feels like I’m being punished for being a single mum. As if it was my choice...

In fairness, I wouldn't say some people not wanting to date a single parent is a bias as much as a reasonable choice based on whether they would be willing to have children in their lives to that extent. It is not easy and if someone isn't open to it it would be impossible for that relationship to work anyway. Best they are honest/don't get involved up front.

As for the renting thing, I do feel for you there as my DP's ex was forced to move out of their old house because she let the landlord know DP wasn't living there anymore, and her income alone wasn't enough to cover the rent. Even though my DP was still paying it so it shouldn't have been an issue.

Unbelievable. This is insane that she was forced to move out. I’ve never even thought this could be an issue, but it is, and it’s crazy. I wonder if it’s the same bias if it’s a single dad, say, applying for flats? 🤨

I don’t think there’s any bias in not wanting to date someone who already has children. Children are a personal choice, many don’t want them or don’t want to be a step parent and that’s fine.

@liska5

Unbelievable. This is insane that she was forced to move out. I’ve never even thought this could be an issue, but it is, and it’s crazy. I wonder if it’s the same bias if it’s a single dad, say, applying for flats? 🤨

So I think she didn't have an issue when she relocated to a cheaper area and was applying alone, but her house with DP was not affordable to her on her wages alone. She was just trying to be honest but it was a mistake to tell the letting agent as they obviously wouldn't allow a tenant who relied on a non-resident paying their rent for them, without an official guarantor agreement.

Surely it's better for men to be up-front if they don't want other people's children in their lives?
And it seems perfectly reasonable for landlords to favour tenants who are financially secure. Wouldn't you? It's not a hidden bias - it's people looking after their own interests instead of yours. What happens when the single mum with two kids gets made redundant? Should the landlord suck it up and say, "Ah, bless - she wanted a lovely flat?"

Well the couples are no more financially secure, of course, as their relationship could end at any time. When I was much younger and sharing with a boyfriend I was forced out of my flat after he left. I did earn enough to pay the rent and was paying up fine! The problem is old-fashioned values. Sorry to hear of the problems you are having.

As for the other bias - life seeming geared around couples - I don’t much care about that. I look at them with pity, I see so many unhappy couples waking around putting up with partners they don’t much like.

There are lots of things that are like that. For families or people that don't conform to the norms. Like family tickets to theme parks etc. which tend to be very much for the 2 adult 2 child groups or single room supplements, or tax allowance...

Well, surely the men who aren't interested in dating someone with kids, are the sort of people you wouldn't want near your kids?

The flat thing, in a way you're a more secure tenant, because you're not going to break up with yourself. You could lose your job but if a couple is relying on two incomes to pay the rent, they actually suffer twice the chance you do of one person losing a job. Maybe point that out to the landlords or agents.

I know you're on a good salary but isn't Zurich one if the most expensive cities in the world.

Instead of paying expensive/extortionate rent for you and your kids, it might be better to see if there are any possible career prospects somewhere where you could pay a mortgage. No landlords/rental bias to worry about and you're hopefully gaining equity.

As for the blokes who won't date women with kids, probably better they are honest and bail early/immediately .. as opposed to the much more shitty behaviour I've seen on here and on male dominated forums where they get involved and the woman thinks it's a relationship that could go somewhere,meanwhile the man has no intention of it going anywhere but takes the sex, company etc.

Also the "problem" is one that is improving all the time as your kids grow towards independence.

It's the little things too, like having access to extra childcare being expected. My neices school used to set meetings for parents an hour after school finished and state that kids weren't allowed to come. Most single parents had major trouble attending.

I've never understood the single mother hatred, especially when the vast majority aren't single by choice and are only as such due to circumstances like the father dying, the father abandoning the family, a divorce or break-up, etc. and then there's the demonization they and their children face. Always hearing nonsense about how prison inmates and people who are drug addicts, gang members, etc. come from single mother or fatherless homes, when there's still scores of troubled people who come from traditional two-parent homes. Single parents have it hard enough as is and society feels the need to make you feel like you're dragging it down. It's just terrible.