Is it better for court/mediation to decide access?

[BumbleBeaBear]

I split with my husband a few months ago, with the idea of trying to arrange life amicably and co-parent for the best interest of the dc. I’m a planner, I want to know how he wants this all to work. But I feel like whenever we are getting somewhere, and agree on an approach- he agrees to my face, ignores it and does what he wants at the first opportunity, from when he is seeing the dc, arrangements with the dog, a parenting approach.

Am also aware I am hurting and so angry at him for his affair / behaviour over the last 6 months- so am not particularly objective.

How do you do this? At what point, do you decide it’s enough and you need a mediator/court to arrange/fix how it is going to work- and actually have a set plan. I think to be honest it suits him right now, he has none of the responsibility of day to day parenting, general routine, doesn’t see our 6 month old baby at all (always a reason why it’s not convenient). He just picks up our 2 eldest for a few hours to play when he is off work/nothing better planned. I don’t want to use the dc as a weapon, I want them to have a relationship with him. But he lies so much- I just don’t trust him anymore at all- and seriously wonder if we need someone objective to help us set down how it’s going to work on paper- and actually stick to it!

If he's being flaky and playing games then it would probably suit you better to have a Child Arrangement Order setting out what times and days he has the kids.

A small potential problem-a CAO sets out what times and days you make them available. He's not compelled to have the kids at those times and won't be penalized in court for not having them. However you will know what days and times you can plan stuff because it's your time iyswim so he can't make you feel guilty or make you cancel stuff at those times

I've read stories on here when Dads see their kids for like 2 hours a week for a meal out and trip to the park. I know that's more than some but the point being that nobody is going to make him do the hard stuff like having a teething baby overnight or taking time off work because the child at school needs to self isolate. Yanbu to want a routine though. My kids liked being able to see on a calendar when they were seeing Dad and wouldn't like a random pattern of contact.

Stop being flexible. He has every Sunday 10 until 2. And one tea time in the week. Or whatever you think is suitable. If he doesn't show up then he waits until next contact time.

Don't be sat around waiting on him. You can't make plans or commit to anything.

Children need consistency and routine. Keep repeating that. You aren't going to get him to step up. But you can establish a good routine.

He won't like it. I was accused of dictating etc. But just kept repeating about what is best for the children. I refused to keep changing my plans. Or be left sat around waiting. It took a while to sink in. But how have a reasonably consistent eow pattern

Make it child focused. Children do best with a good routine - they know that they go for tea with Daddy on Tuesday evening and on Sunday they spend the day with Daddy.
Make having a plan about them not you.

I dont know if you are breastfeeding your 6m old - but normally all the children or none. (From your OP it sounds as if you split almost to the day that child was born - so assuming the baby is his). And yes fixed routine, but please make sure you claim maintenance. It is based on over-nights - so few hours here and there dont count!

Mediation won't work as it's based on the two of you making the decisions and sticking to them. As PP said, court doesn't really force someone to see DC at specific times. It just means they must be available at specific times.

You do need to set boundaries and create a schedule in the best interests of the DC. He can't just pick and choose when to see them and which DC to see. You all need clarity and consistency. Don't be scared to put your foot down.

Try mediation explain you need set days so you can do things with the children can you imagine you have planned a day out paid for tickets etc and in he swoops and takes two kids out for a couple of hours

It will only cause resentment that he can plan and do his own thing and you cannot

Yes, the baby is his, but for whatever reason he just doesn’t seem to have built that bond with her- and whilst I am happy for her to have her for a few hours, I am breastfeeding so it is trickier. As time goes on, she also feels more like ‘mine’ rather than ‘ours’ and I don’t feel she knows him

I adore my dc, they are my absolute world. But all this seems so unfair. We planned a marriage, we planned a family and now all the responsibility is mine- and he just doesn’t care about anybody other than himself!

He works shifts- so it is hard to agree to a schedule without flexibility. He seems to think If I want anything fixed, I need to take him to mediation/court. Isn’t it normally the non-resident parent doing that?

Sadly the nrp in most cases can do whatever they want. Court can't force them. It is just enforced you to make the children available.

I have gone months without the children seeing their father. He managed 6 hours this weekend because he 'wasn't well'. And it will be another fortnight before he sees them again. Imagine seeing your children for six hours in a month. 🤷‍♀️

You need to accept that he isn't going to step up. And that the responsibility is yours day to day. Make sure you have support around you etc. And that he is paying his way.

What would work for you. How often does he get his shifts. Can you plan a month a head say? Can he request a set day off?

If you take a shift worker to court then they are told what notice that they have to give you of their shifts and that you're not required to say yes just because they ask.

So if he said I want to see the kids on Saturday 19th from 11am to 1pm but your child has a party then you can say no or offer a compromise like if you pick them up at 2pm from the party then you can have 1-3pm then that's fine.

It is unfair that NRP can dictate like this but it's the way that it is. Don't be surprised if contact reduces/changes once he has a change in circumstances like a new gf