A whole mess! I need advice!!

[milfmummy]

So i have a 1.5 year old son with my ex partner. We recently separated and since that happened, he collects him on weekends and takes him to his parents where he lives. His mum feeds our son, baths him, changes his clothes, puts him to sleep and SLEEPS with him in the same room. My ex however does not do anything. I know this because we used to visit his parents before we broke up and he never did all that. Once our son goes to sleep, he chooses to go out and meet up with friends. I feel like he collects our son and just dumps him to his parents whilst he does the BARE MINIMUM. I dont feel like this is right. Hes using him a trophy to please them. He also NEVER EVER takes him OUT to spend time as father and son, its always him taking him to his parents house. Why not spend the day at a park? Swimming? Soft play areas? Anything..???? Nope he always has to take him to his parents as a trophy. Btw his mum has always hated me and bullied me until i reached breaking point. It was quite easy to reach breaking point as her son himself had anger issues which is a big reason why we broke up and his sister is TOXIC as hell. So it all just made my decision so easy to part ways.

So another issue i have is this- both our parents are from Kosovo. And him his family and myself and my family are all going this summer to kosovo to spend afew weeks there. Now.. he already does the BARE MINIMUM here, what will change over there? See Kosovo isnt as structurally developed as the UK. Most of their family live in rural areas. I hate hate hate the idea of him taking our son (even while im there myself) and taking him places. I dont feel comfortable, im sorry i dont. It will be a thing where he will present him to all the family and thats it, his mum takes actual ACTUAL care of him. And as a matter of fact, i hate that shes dominantly involved because a. She never liked me. B. Did everything in her power to come between us. So she sees this a win. Shes toxic as hell!!!! For someone to hate me so much? Yet expects to see my child on a regular? I didnt want this and my ex practically forces me. I told him you can see your son whenever u want i just dont want HER seeing him as shes toxic and i dont want that energy around my son. If you dont like me and never respected me to the point of breaking up a family, what BUSINESS, what actual BUSINESS does she have with my son? It dont work like that in my books.

So this is where i need advice from all you lovely mums and hes making me out to be crazy. I wouldnt be feeling like this had he ONCE stuck up for me the whole 2 years his mum bullied me whilst living with her, pregnant and after birth.
I want my day in court. Im not happy that he does the bare minimum. Due to this his mum does everything for my child needs.
Am i crazy for feeling like this? Should i be bullied into the decision of allowing his mum to see my child after i forbade it? I feel like im constantly being ignored and he likes to threaten me every conversation i bring this up. I want the legal system involved now as i have had enough. I want control of who sees my son as my say never matters to them. Please give me advice!!

Overnights at just 1 year old seems a bit full on. Your son is very young...is he happy when he is returned? Upset? Clingy?

In your position I would definitely seek legal advice but you may not get them to stop your son seeing his Grandmother...because she's not abusive or anything. You just don't like her...which sounds fine given her behaviour but it's not enough to make a court stop your ex from taking your son there.

Your ex sounds bad at being a Dad but again...he isn't abusive.

What does he threaten you with?

Has your son got a passport? If not, get him one NOW and keep it under lock and key. Then your ex won't be able to sneak him abroad.

Unfortunately I don't think a court would stop your son from being with them. He is apparently being well looked after - even if it is his grandmother who is doing the care. The fact that you don't like her wouldn't be enough to stop her from seeing him.

This just sounds like a lazy dad who fobs his child off on his mother - a common story I'm afraid. But unless your child is actually being harmed, you'll have a lot of trouble convincing a judge to stop him visiting his grandparents.

You're not crazy but as others have said the fact you don't like the grandmother doesn't count for anything. No one cares if you like her or not. Does she take adequate care of your son? If the answer is yes then there won't be much you can or should do. It's not your time with your son. Unless there is abuse or neglect you just gotta kinda let it go. Your ex leaving your kid with his mom is not neglect if she takes good care of your kid, you might not like it but it's not neglect.

Now as for the trip, I can understand that's more complicated.

Be very careful....your ex partner may have ideas of keeping your son in Kosovo...make sure you get your son a passport and don't let anybody even see it or hold it . Do you have to go to Kosovo with your son? Seems very risky to me. Don't trust your ex or his family.

www.gov.uk/stop-child-passport
Make sure your ex doesn't get a passport secretly and take him to Kosovo.
Do you have a Child Arrangement Order for your son? If your ex or his mum tries to keep your son or not return him then the police will help you if it's not their time.
I tried to Google if Kosovo is part of The Hague Convention for Child Abduction but I'm finding it hard to get an answer. If Kosovo is part of this then if your son tries to keep him in Kosovo then they will contact UK police and help him back. If not then Kosovo won't cooperate with UK police.
I would advise that as part of the CAO a limit is put on how many days he stays with his dad in Kosovo. He is only one so I'm guessing 3 days is long enough if you are in Kosovo too but you'll need advice.

Your ex is allowed to dump him with his mum during his time so you need to let go of the idea that you can stop that. Most Dads see their child every other weekend rather than every weekend- especially when they are nursery/school age. There may be parties of school friends, you may want to take him overnight to meet your friends and family or spend proper quality time with him. If you work at weekends then of course him having weekends might be better but most people do weekdays. Does your ex live close enough to see your son on weekdays? On the weeks that they don't have their kids, it's common to have a weekday dinner together and have nice he's older it would be easy for your ex to take him to a McDonalds or whatever so he doesn't have to cook.

I understand that it's difficult OP, but there is not much you can do about this. Either in the UK or during the trip to Kosovo.

Your son needs to have time with his dad, and it's up to his dad how that time is spent. If he chooses to spend the whole time with his parents - which I guess is reasonable considering he lives with them - then that's up to him. You can't know for sure that his mum is doing all care for your son, and tbh even if she is there is still not much you can do. Even if you took him to court for an access agreement, he would still get overnights and likely still spend them this way.

As your child is only 1, perhaps his dad doesn't see huge value in taking him out places yet if he's happy seeing his grandparents and playing at their house. Hopefully he will do more with him as he gets a bit older.

It's just one of the shittest things about being separated parent - you can't control how the child spends their time with your ex.

@FortunesFave

Overnights at just 1 year old seems a bit full on. Your son is very young...is he happy when he is returned? Upset? Clingy?

In your position I would definitely seek legal advice but you may not get them to stop your son seeing his Grandmother...because she's not abusive or anything. You just don't like her...which sounds fine given her behaviour but it's not enough to make a court stop your ex from taking your son there.

Your ex sounds bad at being a Dad but again...he isn't abusive.

What does he threaten you with?

Has your son got a passport? If not, get him one NOW and keep it under lock and key. Then your ex won't be able to sneak him abroad.

Thankyou! No his passport is safely locked away! He likes to threaten me in a way where he thinks he has more power.. he would say things like "im coming to your parents right now" or "talk about my mum 1 more time and im coming there now". I like to keep these messages safe as proof of threats so i have them one day when i need to show these to lawyers or courts. Im thankful that his mum looks after our som but its just annoying his dad doesnt do more for him. I however take him out to parks, hills, swimming pools, see animals, jump giants. Its a shame his dad doesnt do these types of activites. Another part of the reason we broke up was that he chose to always visit his parents EVERY single weekend on his ONE day off instead of take us somewhere nice for the day. Drove is completely apart.

I understand my ex MIL isnt harming my son or non of them are. I just wish we as mums would be in more control of who has a right to see our children. It should be up to us and not a system. It crushes and eats me knowing she sees him on weekends knowing everything shes done. Shes the definition of TOXIC MIL. But anyway thankyou for your response!!!

I just wish we as mums would be in more control of who has a right to see our children. It should be up to us and not a system.

Well, in fairness OP it's right that it's up to both parents, not just the mum. You are within your rights not to choose not to take your son to see your ex-MIL, but your ex is also well within his to choose to take his son there.

@starrynight21

Unfortunately I don't think a court would stop your son from being with them. He is apparently being well looked after - even if it is his grandmother who is doing the care. The fact that you don't like her wouldn't be enough to stop her from seeing him.

This just sounds like a lazy dad who fobs his child off on his mother - a common story I'm afraid. But unless your child is actually being harmed, you'll have a lot of trouble convincing a judge to stop him visiting his grandparents.

Well im going to try. Im the one whos carried him inside me for 9 months and birthed him out and raised him every since. His grandad is perfectly normal but not her, she's definition of toxic. Yes she may take good care of my son, but i dont like the way her brain works. She bullied me for years during and after pregnancy while living under the same roof as her. Once she snatched him off me while he was 2 months old. I dont have proof of this as i couldn't predict she would do this so i could get a camera out. Once she was screaming at me with MY child in her hands. I dont like her one bit. She doesnt deserve to be anywhere near him

why does she have him every weekend?

why not every other weekend and possibly tea in the week?

although even saying this, at one its way too much to be overnights and disturbed routine - sorry shoot me down but im all for primary carer and other parents visit/take days out etc, while young they need this routine.

@GettingItOutThere

why does she have him every weekend?

why not every other weekend and possibly tea in the week?

although even saying this, at one its way too much to be overnights and disturbed routine - sorry shoot me down but im all for primary carer and other parents visit/take days out etc, while young they need this routine.

Oh.. try telling me ex that. He'll blow my phone up with abuse and threats.

I think you should try and get a Child Arrangement Order so he can't just turn up or have every weekend. It is unfair on you and your son that you can't have 50% of weekends together.

Unfortunately it's impossible to prove if your ex MIL is saying bad thing about you to your son and I expect that part of the reason that your ex takes him every weekend is because he knows what you think about his mum (he wants to piss you off)

It is worth going to court so you get 50% of weekends but the courts won't ban your ex MIL having contact. For that to happen she's need to have a criminal record involving crime against a child or something.

I think you should get a CAO before the summer so you're not bullied into being separated from your son for long periods. The CAO will say exactly how many days your ex can have him which should help the potential conflict.

I completely agree with Totoros you should also have a weekend....when your son is at nursery and school, you'll want that time with him as he'll be out 5 days a week!

Get what Totoro says...a CAO...do you know how to do it?

Hey thanks for the response!! Iv actually started the process for it today! Iv signed up for mediation and im now waiting on a date for the meeting!! Hopefully this should help