Feeling lonely now dd is getting older - anyone feeling like this?

[jugglingjobs]

So my dd is nearly 14, being a single parent I never make plans as I plan to be with my dd, but she has started meeting up with friends recently (which I'm happy for her) and when she isn't with friends she stays in her room all the time playing playstation.

I'm really starting to feel lonely as I never make plans on the weekend as I'm used to having to be there for dd, and when she makes plans it can be very last minute so no time for me to make plans for that day.

For example dd asked today if she could meet her friends, I said yes, she went straight out, I went food shopping came home and she was in her room playing playstaion. I asked her to come to the park she said no so I went alone, so I have spent all day alone and it's lonely and I feel like I could have done something or met a friend.

Anyone else in a similar position? Or any advice? A part of me feels like dd doesn't want to spend any time with me as she is now a teenager so I should make other plans. But the other part of me feels like I can't just go out and about all the time and leave dd alone although she said she would be happy if i went out as she likes being home alone so she can play without me asking her to come and spend time with me etc

I am feeling very lonely right now and feel like maybe I need to start getting a life for myself

That sounds difficult.

I wouldn't stand in the way of her meeting friends, but interacting with you is more important than a play station and I wonder if she is addicted to it. She's too young to realise that thi sis not a productive way for her to spend her time. This is a relationship you should fight for. If she's too addicted to the high that the play station gives her to recognise that spending time with you could, at times, be fun, I would address that problem for her sake, rather than the issue you have posted about.

But do also make your plans and take care of yourself.

Time to carve out some time for you. Have you got friends to meet for a coffee and catch up. Or time to volunteer? That is what I plan to do when my youngest is more independent.

Mine is 15 and while I don't get lonely, I do recognise the issue with setting your time aside for them and them preferring to do other things.
For me, I have stopped thinking ALL our time is "our time". So now unless we have made plans together, i ask what she is planning to do and i also have something in mind. Later this week I'm off out with friends for dinner as this has to work both ways, I dont want her thinking I'm sitting home twiddling my thumbs until she gets home. As a single parent it is even more important that we have a life aside from our children as we will (hopefully!) be a long time living without them at home, so you definitely need to start thinking about yourself more and developing interests outside her. It is a big change and I really get it, me and dd have been a little team for so long and it has been hard to think about what to do without her, but this is as it should be, them becoming independent and going off to spread their wings.

If I were you I’d do something regularly, so she knows when you’re available.

@namechangingforthis19586 I agree, I find dd is not good at self regulating with phones and games etc, and I have to shut her apps down on her phone at a certain time so she wont be on her phone all night, she has an internet extender so she has internet in her room which I leave on so she can listen at music at night time but I think I will take it away at a certain time now as it's not healthy.

@unicornsarereal72 I do have friends I could meet but I never arrange it as I always think I need to be with dd as that is how it has always been, but I think now I will start making arrangements.

I have also found in the past if dd has been away with my mum for a few days I always end up not having plans as generally I don't have a regular social life so the odd time when I am free my friends arnt free.

I could also do with having some more local friends as alot of my friends live further away.

Any idea of any groups etc I could join to meet local friends?

@Hughbert yes what you are saying makes sense to me, dd has been like my shadow for the last nearly 14 years and I am glad she has friends to go out with now, I just need to start making a regular social life for myself now too.

So would you go ahead and make plans on the weekends with your friends now? I would feel bad if I had plans and dd was left home alone but she loves being home alone, so I really think I should start to build abit of a life before dd is much older and I never see her

Making friends isn't easy. There are various groups of you search your area. I've a few years yet but would like to volunteer at the animal shelter. And also do evening classes. Just making your own plans. Then maybe your dd. Will make plans with you to spend time together.

Do you have any former hobbies you could restart? For example running or cycling. If you look on Facebook you will find local groups and see what regular events are taking place that you could join.

Long shot, but do you have a local community cafe? Or perhaps look in the library at things which are available locally?

I'm in the same position although a little further on. My 20 something has bought her own house and my 19 year old is always with her boyfriend. There is a gap that used to be filled by them. I always put them first since the divorce 13 years ago which I don't regret but I don't have a big friendship group and the women in my life tend to only lunch as they are with their husbands all other times 🙄. So no answers here but I understand.

There will be more meet up dot com groups around soon once social distancing is relaxed so in a few months you can try joining a few new things.

Ds is 16 and I plan to try out a couple of things. I am not into zoom lol. I thought I would go to the local spiritualist church now and again when they have a mediums night plus a psychic supper here and there. Just for the fun. Also I am trying out a walking group over the summer but it is on a Monday morning which is a rather odd time. I can do that every couple of months just for fresh air and exercise. Usually I am of course working.

Hope you find some nice things to do.

When it's just been the 2 of you it can be quite an adjustment

My dd is 20 now but I raised her as a single mum since she was a toddler, it was me and her against the world! Not least as we both have disabilities and mh issues and mine are quite severe

I've always sung in choirs and even the occasional band - backing singer. I also like walking and swimming and would socialise that way too.

I'm housebound at the moment and not up to socialising in person, but when I'm
not housebound I meet friends for coffee, plus the aforementioned choirs, walking groups and things like aquarobics.

But I'm also one to be perfectly happy in my own company just chilling binge watching stuff, watching films, listening to music, playing daft games on phone, doing puzzles (crossword, sudoku etc) or reading.

When out and about I'm perfectly content to sit in a park or on the beach with a book or a few magazines

My dd has left home now she is away studying and when not studying is working. When she was your dds age I barely saw her!

It's perfectly natural for them to distance themselves from you at this stage as part of growing up and it can go to the extreme initially, at one point I felt like I only saw dd when she was in for dinner or about to head to bed!

I did have a word about being out ALL the time as she was exhausting herself (her disability means she has to watch she doesn't overdo things, to be fair she was also struggling with the diagnosis still as it was a bit of a bombshell and she was only dx at 12 but was born with it. She had a really bad flare up that landed her in hospital for 3 weeks just after the dx and she had been instructed by specialist she needed to give up some much loved hobbies and interests)

But it does feel weird and it can be challenging.

Reconnect with friends, take up new interests and perhaps say to her she needs to get her life balance right?

I agree too much time on PlayStation is not good.

Can you plan a regular thing that you'll do together - like Friday night dinner and a film, or some regular time that is for the two of you (work it out with her), and then the rest of her free time is more flexible? Also, at 14 I would still be limiting screen time or insisting on chores/some contribution to the household.

And then as for you.... the world is your oyster! Can you start a new hobby? Or even start with a gym class on a Saturday morning to meet some people? Start a book club? There are lots of ways to meet people - I'm sure you'll be fine!

Go and see your friends!!
I don't plan my weekends around DS (13) as he doesn't want to spend time with me over his friends or Xbox but we have certain things we do together such as movie night on Saturday nights, and we go visit family or go camping regularly so spend time together then. It's totally normal for teenagers to prefer their friends over their mums and you absolutely need to get your social life back on track. Before you know it she'll have left home and you don't want to be left with no friends as you've not made plans to see them for two decades!

Aw OP, I feel for you.

As much as it's sweet that you want to be around so much for your DD, I also do think at 14 she is bound to want to be doing her own thing more and it's not really fair for her to feel pressure to keep you company, which I'm guessing she does as she mentioned you asking her to spend time with you.

This isn't to say you shouldn't do anything together! But I'd work more towards making plans with her nowadays rather than assuming you need to always be available. Even if you were out and she was home, it sounds like she'd enjoy the independence and she could always invite a friend over.

I see your friends are further away - would they maybe come to your for the day or something? Or you could meet up midway for lunch/dinner?

As for clubs, I think the best things for making friends are probably local sports/activity clubs. I know lots have lost lots of members during COVID so should be a good time to join if you're into that :)

Thinking about when I was 14 I hardly ever did stuff with my parents, always wanted to out with friends etc, apart from sometimes when we had planned to go on a day out or something.. I guess it is a bit different when there are two parents because the house will be empty if you go out, but she could always give you a ring if she needed anything? Maybe make plans to do something together every other weekend or so, so you still get to spend some quality time together? And then you can catch up over dinner and maybe spend some of the evening together.

My Ds is 14. It has been a slow process of starting a next phase. I joined a ladies gym so can nipp out for an hour.i see my friends on an evening occasionally.

I don't think it is healthy for them to be waiting for you.