Am I being reasonable in family law issue?

[JoJo2106]

Hi,

I was wondering if I could get some quick advice from someone in the know.

I have a 3 year old son and have a child arrangement order with my sons dad. This is currently every weekend at the moment and has been for the last 2 years. Ds was only around 16 months old when the order was made so obviously not in school etc so every weekend was granted. This has worked fine up to now, but ds is obviously getting older and he now goes to nursery 4 days a week and his dad still has every weekend. He doesn't start school until next year when he's 5 and I happened to mention to his dad in the contact book about alternate weekends once ds is in school. The legal adviser in court 2 years ago was the one that had said it will change once ds is in school. She actually asked me at the time if I was working as i think she would have advised for alternate weekends straight away but I'm not working as I am medically signed off due to severe endometriosis. So she left it as it was at every weekend but did mention it can and will change as our situation changes ie: ds going to school.

My ex has no recollection of this clearly judging by his response as he said he will never ever agree to alternate weekends and that I have to take him to court, hes already told me he wont agree to it in mediation either so it will go to court he said. I have basically said to him do you honestly expect me just to take ds to school and pick him up again 5 days a week and he has every weekend still and by the sound of it this is exactly what he expects.

I was under the impression once ds started school it would change to alternate weekends, possibly a midweek if dad is able and half of all school holidays. Am.i been unreasonable in thinking this is what might happen once ds starts school. I would basically just be back and forward to school 5 days a week, making meals putting to bed and that is it. All while his dad had all the fun every single weekend.

Can anyone help me with this to let me know if I'm thinking along the right lines. I'm so stressed out by how selfish and nasty he has been to me in the contact book. It's more or less been made all about him and not the interests of our son.

Thanks in advance and sorry for rambling on

If it's in a court order and he wont agree to the change (in writing make sure you get it in an email or text) then you will have to apply for mediation. If he refuses to attend or the mediator says the case isnt suitable for mediation then you will need to apply to court to have the current order changed. I am pretty certain it will be changed from what you say and if he continues to appear to be unwilling to compromise without good reason then he will look like a complete twat in court.

@fabulousIAm it's not actually written Into our current order about things changing at school age, she just pointed out to me that as ds got older and our situation changes the order can an will be changed. But as my ex has already stated he wont agree to it even in mediation it looks like it will go to court unfortunately. Which won't look good on him cos it says in our order that if we have any future issues we have to attempt to address them in mediation. Hes already made his mind up before even attempting it. My solicitor told me 2 year ago courts don't like to make orders unless absolutely necessary, they like to see you attempt mediation and sort things yourselves wherever possible. I just can't believe he thinks my role as a mother is doing school runs 5 days a week and he gets all the fun time every weekend.

I think you're being perfectly reasonable. One of the reasons to apply to change a CAO is a child's needs having changed. Starting school will imply a change to the child's need. They need quality time with both parents not just one.

Your ex is on thin ground. Hopefully he will change his mind, else the court would almost certainly impose it.

@Pinkyxx this is exactly what I was thinking. Court orders can change as your situation changes. He just keeps saying stop talking to me about it I will wait for the court letter and I will be ready. He's adamant it is going to court but in out court order it states if we have any future disagreements we are to attempt to solve them at mediation sessions. He has already said he wont agree and it will go to court. I just can't believe it honestly. Thays obviously all my role as a mother is to him. School runs, homework etc and he gets fun weekends every week..I wouldn't even be able to have a day away or nothing.

I have a telephone appointment tomorrow with my solicitor I used last time to see what he says. But I know from last time he said himself no court will award one parent every single weekend of a school age child.

I do hope that's right!

@JoJo2106 you've tried to discuss it with him which was the right thing to do. It's sad he can't see the benefit of your child having weekends with both of you, but speaking from experience, some people only look at it from their own perspective. Court orders should change as needs change. I had a very similar situation with my ex when DD was little. Initially she saw him every weekend (if he turned up) but once pre-school and then school came along, it wasn't going to work. He felt I should do the ''parenting'' (despite working full time), and he have the weekends and most of the holidays because she was with me ''most of the time'' - failed to see she was at school all those days! The court saw it differently and ordered every other weekend and a bit of the holidays.

If you focus on explaining in mediation, and then court if it gets to that point, that you're simply looking to respond to the change in circumstances and to ensure your child has quality time with both parents then I believe they will see you are considering your child's needs. Resist any temptation to comment on his attitude or how he perceives you as a Mum, his behavior will speak for itself.

Hope your solicitor is helpful tomorrow x

@Pinkyxx funnily enough that is exactly what he said to me, he said I will have 5 days a week with him. He will spend those 5 days at school, I will take him back and forward to school, make tea, homework, bath and bed early and that's clearly the most fun I'm allowed to have in a week with ds lol. And then I get to get up each day and do it all over again and then pack him off to his dad on a Friday night for a fun filled weekend. There is something sadly wrong with that picture. But he doesnt see it.

I hope the courts do what happened in your situation. I dont know how hes got the face to actually make an argument to the court why I should have no weekends at all with ds. He definitely just thinks about his own needs and wants, but he has been like that all along if I'm honest. He doesn't think about how something would affect our son it's all just about his rights that's all he ever says. I've been nothing but amicable and bent over backwards to accommodate some of his contact and switched things around for him, and get this crap in return.

I will definitely keep it child focused I won't attack him or anything like that. Luckily the solicitors do all the talking for you lol.

Thanks for your comments

You are being perfectly reasonable to expect a Judge to change your order to every other weekend. You need those for time together, taking him to visit your side of the family etc

If he tries to negotiate a weekday make sure it's clarified what happens during school holidays

The other things is school parties. If he's the type who wouldn't take your son to them, at least you would so he gets to experience them sometimes.

@TotorosCatBus it's just Not right at all is it. I have had a telephone appointment with my previous solicitor today and he has basically told me what I wanted to hear and that I would most likely get alternate weekends. He said the court looks at it through the childs eyes not the parents, so what is best for ds is quality time with both parents. So I'm quite hopeful after the phone call. He also said I should get the ball rolling soon, even thought ds doesn't actually start school until next year but these things can take a good while can't they and especially with covid. At least it will all be in place for when ds does start school.

Good luck OP I have an ex husband like that. DD is 12 and we split when she was 3. He still doesn't get that it's what's best for the child, not what's best for him.

@StarCourt thank you, oh gosh that's terrible. All those years of that? Unfortunately I think I'm going to have the same thing happen. So selfish.

Agree that you should start now because Covid has slowed down the legal process. Good luck

Good luck @JoJo2106

You'd have to get a new cao

We have dsc eow Fri from school until Mon drop to school.
Half of all school holidays.
Every other Xmas eve to Xmas night. And Xmas night to boxing night.
Birthdays. Spend with the parent the day falls on however that parent is to decide a time slot for 2 hours for the other parent to spend time with

@PASStheCAKEandCHOC Yes I've had 2 lots of free 30 min legal advice and both have said I have the best chance of getting the alternate weekends. They both said its nothing to do with what the parent wants its what's best for the child, and what I'm asking for is best. So feeling a lot more hopeful. They both said I should apply for mediation right away as the court system is all backed up due to covid so nothing will be fast.

Could I just ask how you split the Christmas holidays up? Like if you get a week at Christmas how do you take that week is it a whole week?

What's the distance between your house and his? Are you both likely to travel to extended family? What's the distance between the 2 homes?
My ex and I live 40 minutes apart so over the 2 week break be often has them in 2 or 3 bursts rather than long stretch. Neither of us celebrate New Years so it works well but that's also a possible consideration for you.

Basically all days and hours are in the cao, it wasn't originally, it just said mum to divide them as long as the Xmas eve to Xmas night and Xmas night to boxing night plan stayed in place as in alternative years.
But she unfortunately tried to be difficult and say
Monday 9am till Tuesday 9am.
Weds 10am till Thurs 3pm etc. Really random times and days, it's an hour each way and was just ridiculous.
DH wrote to the court and said that it's unfair on his dc, as well as lots of other things.
They called them back and said she had to do in blocks of time.
All other holidays are written in the order. Specific dates and times. Because honestly she'd find loopholes.

Can anyone help with some further advice please? I have attended a MIAM appointment and have just heard back today that my ex partner is unwilling to do mediation, I will post exactly how it was worded:

We confirm that Mr. X has indicated he does not feel mediation will be beneficial until your employment status has changed as that will have a bearing on any arrangements to be made. He is therefore not wanting to arrange a mediation assessment at this stage.

I am signed off work on a long term basis due to health reasons, I wasn't aware me working or not would have any relevance to me been awarded alternate weekends, as 5 days a week I will just be doing school runs and still have bo quality time with DS.

Could anyone in the know please confirm if I'm thinking along the right lines.

Thanks x

The mediation service need to give you the form that says that mediation isn't appropriate. There will be a ref. number with this (ask the mediation service to clarify what this is when you ask them for the signed form) that you need to include on the form when you apply for a specific issue or whatever it is you are applying to court for. Your employment status has nothing to do with this. Make sure you clearly and rationally email your ex stating what it is you want, and keep his replies. Remain calm and rational. If he still wont agree then apply to court stating what it is you want and stating how he won't agree - mention and quote the emails but you dont need to include them at this point. Simply state you want to change the order to every other weekend as your child will be starting school and you want to share the responsibilities of child-rearing sensibly with your ex. It's common sense and your ex is not being child-focused and the courts will see this.

And as you don't work you will most likely not have to pay for the application if you are applying yourself- this link may help helpwithcourtfees.service.gov.uk/checklist?_ga=2.21007935.528865041.1624570025-655062800.1619700282

@radiosummer thank you so much for that. I will have to get in touch with mediation centre as I'm yet to email them back, the thing is it says at the end of our current child arrangement order that we are to attempt mediation if there are any future disagreements, he isn't even attempting it so surely that won't look good? Unfortunately I realise you can't force someone to mediate.

No nothing he ever says or does is child focused, it's all about his rights etc etc. I have been nothing but amicable and have changed all sorts to fit around his job so hes got absolutely nothing at all to use in court against me.

I'm glad to know my employment status doesn't come into it as I was worried when I read the email. He knows I am medically signed off and why so not sure why he's saying this to be honest.

@JoJo2106 hes saying it because he can. Maybe he thinks it's a delaying tactic, maybe he thinks it puts you in a bad light, maybe he's just a twat.
Try not to worry about it, or your employment status which has no bearing on this at all.
It's very common for mediation to not be suitable or not happen for some reason, my ex husband didn't even bother turning up for our mediation session. It won't look negative on you.

@StarCourt yes I do think it's a combination of all of those reasons. It's definitely good to know that my employment situation doesn't factor into it.

Yes to be honest I did kind of expect the mediation not to happen as he had already said he wouldn't agree and that it will go to court. If it looks bad on anyone it will be him at least.