How do I explain ?

[CandyFIosss]

My children don’t see their father, this is 100% purely his choice, he would only ever see them if he could come to my house to see them, he’s never taken them since we split (never once had them at his house or overnight) and would only come down mine to see them, I let this go on for way longer than I should have . He’s had some periods of absence since we split and some being for a year, when he came back I made it clear to him that the old set up wouldn’t be happening and that he would need to take the children (even if not to his) but out for the day etc, he done this a few times but just couldn’t stick to it and has now disappeared again (hasn’t seen them since January) the trouble is my children feel really rejected by him and constantly asking why their dad isn’t involved, do I explain about why? I’ve kind of told them in a way about how he wasn’t taking them to his and explained how families usually work after a split and that kids usually go to their dads house but I’m not sure if that’s the right thing? But how else can i explain why he doesn’t see them?

Oh I should also add they obviously thinks it’s a usual way for a dad to see his kids because it’s all they’ve known from him (we broke up when they were young) and since we’ve split up they’ve only ever known this way of contact which is why I’m trying to explain it’s not usual with separated parents

how old?

im honestly a believer in the truth, in an age appropriate way.

They are 10 9 7 and 4 but we split up when I was pregnant with the youngest so over 4 years ago

I would say that this is a decision he had made by himself and that sometimes people struggle to be good parents but unfortunately there is nothing that the other parent or their children can do to change that.

I’d also consider counselling for them, maybe through the school and trying to find some positive male role models for them
Please don’t ever doubt the decision you made to require him to take them elsewhere for contact. That is normal and only a controlling arsehole would want to have contact at your home. You need and deserve your own safe space.

The stats on dads that disappear from their children’s lives are quite horrifying. All you can do is support your children through that

Be honest but with age appropriate words. For example, "I don't know why he doesn't take you for daytime trips or to his, but if he changes his mind and you want to go out with him that would be a nice thing to happen".

You can facilitate access, but at the moment he's blocking it.

@Rainbowqueeen

I would say that this is a decision he had made by himself and that sometimes people struggle to be good parents but unfortunately there is nothing that the other parent or their children can do to change that. I’d also consider counselling for them, maybe through the school and trying to find some positive male role models for them Please don’t ever doubt the decision you made to require him to take them elsewhere for contact. That is normal and only a controlling arsehole would want to have contact at your home. You need and deserve your own safe space. The stats on dads that disappear from their children’s lives are quite horrifying. All you can do is support your children through that

I agree with this. What an arse. Sorry, OP

You can't be in his head
Be honest
"I don't know why"
Get some counselling for them

They may need to process it like a bereavement
But you are enough

I can’t do counselling via the school, I’ve had a few issues with them and I don’t find them supportive at all, I would rather them not know about this if I’m honest, I find their school rather judgmental. I just hope that they don’t see it as my fault as I just couldn’t do it anymore. He wanted to sit and play happy families, whilst never taking them ever, they have nothing to do with his family or anything and haven’t seen them since we’ve split up.

Go via gp

As a pp said "I don't know why he won't take you to his house" is the gentlest form of the truth.

Do they see paternal grandparents ?

His parents passed away before I met him but he has brothers and sisters but we don’t hear from them at all. So no contact with anyone from his family, I guess him not taking them there makes it hard for any bonds to develop (he lives 2 hours away so none of them are local to us) because he never involves them with his family, his family have never met my youngest.