How to deal with contary co-parent?

[GeorgeRRRRRMartin]

Does anyone know what happens when you have to co-parent who someone who point-blank refuses to work with you? ExH has lost school uniform but refuses to replace it. We had agreed DC would be vegetarian; since splitting he has been feeding them meat - didn't tell me, I found out from the older DC. DC was injured and I didn't want them to play their sport last weekend - exH took them anyway. Again I found out from another parent, exH didn't tell me. When he takes DC to dance class he loses uniform, drinks bottles etc. Emails asking him to replace them go unanswered. I can't not send DC without her stuff as then she would miss out. He didn't know what food to give youngest DC to take to childminder, instead of asking me what foods DC likes he asked the childminder. He just refuses to engage in any debate and seems to enjoy being as contrary / making me as upset as possible. He was very emotionally abusive towards me when we were together as well as violent on one or two occasions. He barely saw DC before we split but applied for full custody. He has always been a very "difficult" sort of person, not a team player and loves to quibble / annoy. Hates to be told what to do. Etc. I can't afford to keep replacing equipment. He is behind on his child maintenence also. Help!!! I don't know how I can do this for the next few years.

I've dealt with a similar ex for many many years now. Here's my top tips:

1. Have duplicates of anything you send to his house.
2. Assume he will do the opposite of what you ask for food, activities, home work, medical care, personal care etc
3. Ideally get your DC to leave their school bag in his car. Avoids home work getting ''lost'' or ''forgotten''.
4. Don't react, it's a waste of your energy and sanity.
5. Teach your children to take responsibility for their own things.

I learnt the hard way that the more I tried to work with him the more he did stuff like this. He lost or forgot school books, homework, shoes, coats, toys, water bottles, lunch boxes, you name it... he lost it. Would he post stuff ? nope, point blank refused. DC didn't want her hair cut, so I asked him to not do it, he forced her to and lopped a load off... his wife's kids sick, would he tell me nope? DC would start throwing up when she got home and I'd find out they'd had a stomach bug.. or then there was the chicken pox and god knows how many other things. Please don't leave her alone in public, only to hear he let a 6 year old wander off to a shop on her own. After 5 years of it for my own sanity I just had to accept it and stopped saying anything. I kept on replacing the stuff, explaining to the school, apologizing all over the place.. Ex's only response was: ''DC should be living with me''. Its infuriating but there is really nothing you can do. If your ex is anything like mine it will delight him to annoy you & make life difficult, so don't waste your energy as I did, and bother saying something as the outcome will be the same regardless. Mine is older now and it's SO much easier.. she controls her stuff and rarely forgets or loses anything.

I don’t think there is much you can do really, everyone parents differently, it does sound very frustrating though 😕

It's really hard but you have to let some of that stuff go. He is their father and can parent them however he sees fit.
You can only control what is in your power to control.
I had it for years with contact. He would refuse to stick to any times and just ring the day before. Sometimes went weeks without seeing them. Still have really late bedtimes, hours on phones etc. They come back knackered. I just try to anticipate and mitigate when they get back.
If you are feeling brave, contact the dance teacher and explain. He will have to deal with a disappointed DC who isn't allowed into class.
It's really shit. It does get better as they become older and more responsible.

Do you have court agreed contact ?

I would withhold contact due to everything you have said and let him take you to court where I would ask for and have agreed set times:

1. Pick up after school only at your house (so they can't lose anything) - send them only in very basic outfit - no coat/plimsolls/leggings/plain t shirt (all as cheap as possible)

1. No activities on his time (I appreciate this is hard to do but summer courses might make up for some of this)

Ignore the food/how he parents them/

NEVER talk to him

And CMS for maintenance- he's just doing it to wind you up

Thank you for the responses, sorry for the late reply I was at work til now.

We already have been to court and unfortunately the court order states he pick up straight from school which is a nightmare. I really wish I could change it but I no there is no point in me asking.

Yes they always come back with massive bags under their eyes because he can't be bothered to do bedtimes.

I will send in plainer clothes though because it is costing me loads.

It's not even the differences in parenting, it is just that I know he's doing it to wind me up 🤯 I just wish I could stop it getting me so much...

In all honesty, grit your teeth, don’t react which is easier said than done. If you show the slightest hint of annoyance, he will revel in it. Tis shit, I know!

@SpaceRaiders

In all honesty, grit your teeth, don’t react which is easier said than done. If you show the slightest hint of annoyance, he will revel in it. Tis shit, I know!

I knooooooow 😭 that is what makes it so hard. But your absolutely right, he really does revel in it 😐

speak to the teacher to keep the lunch box/reading folder/book bag in school. also buy coats/uniform from the charity shop or school second hand shop. hall of a lot less annoying to lose something that cost a pound instead of 16.. speak to the teacher about the lack of uniform, ie it is lost at dad's and you can't replace it.

speak to the dance teacher and mention the issue with kit. he can provide his own on his weeks.

keep a list of what goes missing. (and cost)

don't worry about him asking the child minder, this is a non issue. just think of it as one less job for you to do.

water bottles: old aldi juice bottles work just as well and are a hell of a lot cheaper to replace.

Thanks everyone. I will speak to school and dance school. Feeling a bit braver now, your messages have been much appreciated x

Almost as if I wrote this myself OP, just I'm just echoing what others have said about don't react. So now I don't let my ex know what I want for our DC as I know he won't do it anyway and will do the opposite.. so little point. I just try and think ok DC is coming back and is alive, everything else I can deal with no matter how annoying it maybe

@ThisIsTheLast89

Almost as if I wrote this myself OP, just I'm just echoing what others have said about don't react. So now I don't let my ex know what I want for our DC as I know he won't do it anyway and will do the opposite.. so little point. I just try and think ok DC is coming back and is alive, everything else I can deal with no matter how annoying it maybe

That's a nice way of looking at it. Horrible ex emailed me late this eve and told me leotard was in DC's coat pockets - by this time we were already at the class and didn't have the coat on us. There was no reason for it to be put there and I had been emailing for days asking if he had it. Literally no reason at all, who puts leotards in pockets?! I am trying really hard to be a big lump of grey rock but it winds me up so badly I just cry with frustration. 😭 He definitely does it on purpose then does a big "who, me??" act, when he get's called out over it.

I am quite shocked and saddened by the number of people who have ex's like my own. I thought he was kinda unique, haha!

@GeorgeRRRRRMartin by all means cry and vent just don't let him know it gets to you I know a some may say don't even do that and I try not to, but it can be frustrating. No point in trying to get him to be reasonable, you'll just be wasting your own energy. Double up on everything is a good idea then having as little contact as possible.. will save your sanity. You shouldn't have to do the above, but you aren't dealing with a reasonable co-parent, completely unfair but will just save you so much head space in the long run

Yeah, been there, got the t shirt (at least that one didn’t get left at Dad’s!).

Remember it’s his responsibility to provide them with everything they need / ensure they do homework etc etc, whilst at his. The children soon learn which parent supports them and helps them. And if school eg mention homework not being done, make sure you ask them to contact him. Do not try and clear up messes for him.

If he was violent and abusive, are you sure the children are safe with him? Are you teaching them protective behaviours (google if necessary)?

could be worse, I read it as he left the leopard in her coat pocket. now that would be something to be worried about.

@BlackeyedSusan

could be worse, I read it as he left the leopard in her coat pocket. now that would be something to be worried about.

Hahaha! There's always a bright side .

@JanFebAnyMonth

Yeah, been there, got the t shirt (at least that one didn’t get left at Dad’s!).

Remember it’s his responsibility to provide them with everything they need / ensure they do homework etc etc, whilst at his. The children soon learn which parent supports them and helps them. And if school eg mention homework not being done, make sure you ask them to contact him. Do not try and clear up messes for him.

If he was violent and abusive, are you sure the children are safe with him? Are you teaching them protective behaviours (google if necessary)?

Well caffcass have decided that they're safe with him and that is what counts... he is very good at putting on an act. E.g. They asked him about his drinking (he is what I would call a functioning alcoholic) and of course he said his consumption is much lower than it actually is. They just take everything at face value, it is ridiculous.

In fairness I don't think that he is an actual danger to them and he doesn't neglect them to an extent where children's services would be interested. He's more lazy and grumpy - they watch tons of TV, eat ridiculous amounts of sweets, don't have a bath for 3 days, don't leave the house (I mean before COVID), don't do homework, play games on his phone for hours on end and according to the eldest he is grumpy towards them especially the youngest, who misses me the most.

I will look up protective behaviours, thank you