Baby daddy lies

[Hmomma19]

Hi!
Just wanted to come on here to vent and see if anyone out there is in a similar situation. My toddlers father has no involvement in his life and has never bothered since the day he was born, never so much as bought him a gift for his birthday or a Christmas present, and only started paying maintainable when I finally put a claim through CSA when my son was 15 months old. He's never met him, he puts his foot down and speeds off when he spots us walking down the street. His family are still involved which is lovely for my son and I welcome with open arms. We see them on a weekly basis and now restrictions have eased my son has even been going round to his grandparents on his own.
Despite all of this and it being very apparent he doesn't care about my son and has disowned him, I have a terrible fear that one day my son will blame me, and if his father eventually pops up into his life I will be the "bad guy" because his father lies and tells people I stop him from seeing his son, which just isn't true. People tell me all the time that this is the story that he tells to justify not being in his sons life. We live in the same small town so unfortunately it's hard to completely ignore it. Every time I am out in our hometown someone will be tell me he's still going around telling the same sob story that I don't let him see my son! I ignored it for a while, which I still do but as an anxiety sufferer I can't help but overthink situations and predict that in the future my little man is going to believe his fathers lies.
I hear stories of children running off to their dads because they rear their ugly heads years later and tell awful lies about the mother who has cared for them for all those years. It's honestly my worst nightmare now and I can't stop thinking about it. Is anyone else going through a similar situation?
It breaks my heart that my sons dad doesn't give a about him, it really does, I lost my dad when I was 11 and would never wish it upon anyone to be without a father. Even his parents (my sons Gparents) are baffled that he has disowned his own flesh and blood and obviously disappointed in him, but I can't help but be fearful he will confuse and ruin what me and my son have in the future. Any advice to cope with these worrying thoughts in welcome ! Xx

Hi there, no advice but totally empathise and share your fears. Had a planned pregnancy with my ex but after we speedster amicably he met someone else and decided to having nothing to do with our son when I was 30 weeks pregnant. I was so hurt at the time and it ruined the rest of my pregnancy.
Now however, I cannot bear the thought of him being involved. I still though, find myself getting regularly upset and feeling guilty that my son won’t have a father. He’s 8 weeks old now and doing amazingly well and I truly believe deep down he will be fine without his father, but I absolutely have the same fear that he will resent me when he grows older for me not having tried harder to facilitate a relationship with his father.
I’ve kept copies of emails and messages to show that I did try but I think the best tact is to try to be as open as possible from an early age and just make him feel as loved and secure as possible so that he hopefully doesn’t feel that he has a huge father shaped hole in his life.
My ex’s parents were initially saying they wanted to be involved but have gradually reduced how many messages they’ve sent and still haven’t asked to meet him. I’m really disgusted with them to be honest but I also appreciate what a difficult position their son is putting them in as he will no doubt be telling lies regarding me and my role in our the current situation.
Super tough but I also don’t want to miss out on being happy with my son because I’m wasting energy being anxious about something that might not happen x

This is something I’m struggling with, my kids dad doesn’t see them either but I know he will come back in the future and tell them he was stopped and I’m worried they will believe him. I mean who wants to believe their dad just couldn’t be bothered. I have some messages to prove he didn’t want to see him, do you have anything?

My ex tells a very different narrative to how I see our situation. He is a king of manipulation. My children are older and know the effort I go to supporting them without his input emotionally physically and financially. Not that I bad mouth him. I just explain that there is only one of me and I'm doing the best I can on my own and we have to save or wait or pace ourselves etc.

I think as your children get to young adults/teens and they are asking or believe the lies. All you can say is if that were true why did your dad not take me to court to see you.

I have learnt that it is ok to say I don't know to the kids. Why has daddy not turned up for visit. "I don't know. I have sent a text and will let you know". Kids deserve the truth in an appropriate way. I could lie and say he was busy. Ill or working. But then that puts him further up a pedal stool.

I use to cover for him in the early days. But he showed the children and I no loyalty. Always letting them down. Child support has been paid a handful of times in the last 4 years. Who was I protecting.? Him and his imagine he wanted to project. So I started telling the truth. (In an appropriate manner with the children). For the wider public, friends and family I've stopped protecting him and his imagine but in a diplomatic way

Children aren't fools. They see and know the truth. Just keep being awesome role models and show them you don't get pushed around

The trouble is for me I actually know someone who believed their fathers lies and now lives with them (my nephew) so it does happen

What do you say to these people?

I wouldn’t accept it.

Reply with- obviously I don’t want to see my own son doesn’t really gain the same sympathy does it.

I have no idea why he says that I would far rather not do this all on my own.

I am hardly likely to take him to g. Parents not him.

My Ds doesn’t see his dad but I have no idea where he lives so no idea of his sob story.

@Cloudyrainbows321

Hi there, no advice but totally empathise and share your fears. Had a planned pregnancy with my ex but after we speedster amicably he met someone else and decided to having nothing to do with our son when I was 30 weeks pregnant. I was so hurt at the time and it ruined the rest of my pregnancy. Now however, I cannot bear the thought of him being involved. I still though, find myself getting regularly upset and feeling guilty that my son won’t have a father. He’s 8 weeks old now and doing amazingly well and I truly believe deep down he will be fine without his father, but I absolutely have the same fear that he will resent me when he grows older for me not having tried harder to facilitate a relationship with his father. I’ve kept copies of emails and messages to show that I did try but I think the best tact is to try to be as open as possible from an early age and just make him feel as loved and secure as possible so that he hopefully doesn’t feel that he has a huge father shaped hole in his life. My ex’s parents were initially saying they wanted to be involved but have gradually reduced how many messages they’ve sent and still haven’t asked to meet him. I’m really disgusted with them to be honest but I also appreciate what a difficult position their son is putting them in as he will no doubt be telling lies regarding me and my role in our the current situation. Super tough but I also don’t want to miss out on being happy with my son because I’m wasting energy being anxious about something that might not happen x

So sorry to hear about your story, it was very similar to mine! My ex was so hot and cold in my pregnancy and ruined what should have been the best time of my life. For selfish reasons I don't want him around, I couldn't think of anything worse than having to share my precious boy with someone else, especially not a narcissistic selfish man. But at the same time I would never want to stop my son from having a father... sometimes I think to myself should I be doing more? Should I be chasing his dad to be in his life? Or is that just setting him up for failure. It's horrible that as the loving parent doing everything for our children we somehow are the ones ridden in guilt whilst the other parent doesn't give two **s!!! I emailed him about CSA money last week as he was 6 days late in making payment and he argued with me and sent emails back and forth, at least 10 emails and not once did he even ask about his son or mention his name, just moaned about having to put his hand in his pocket. It's only £23 a week he pays as well as he's somehow managed to dodge paying more with being self employed... never known such a self centred person! Sorry for the rant 😂

@Happycat1212

This is something I’m struggling with, my kids dad doesn’t see them either but I know he will come back in the future and tell them he was stopped and I’m worried they will believe him. I mean who wants to believe their dad just couldn’t be bothered. I have some messages to prove he didn’t want to see him, do you have anything?

Hey, sorry to hear you are feeling the same! 😞 it's crap isn't it!! Yes I do have some messages, I feel like these messages are far to brutal to ever let my son see though... talks of not wanting him and telling me to abort/I should've got rid of him etc... not something a child should ever see 😞 My ex did email when my son was 4 months asking if he could meet him but if I let him and his mum have my son on their own, baring in mind this was the first communication since I had been 7 months pregnant and he hadn't contacted at all in this time, and his mum had only been to see my son once... so I 100% was not comfortable handing my baby boy over to two strangers, and his was exclusively breastfed so I gave him a piece of my mind and basically asked what was it that he wanted - A flying visit and a selfie or to actually be a dad? then after I sent that message I never heard from him again! So I feel like this message of him asking to see him will be his leverage in the future to say "look I did ask". Once though?! Out of the 21 months my son has been on this earth. It's a joke 😟

@unicornsarereal72 @Starlightstarbright1 thank you so much for your replies / sharing your stories. It is really reassuring to see that I'm not alone.
You're so right that it's so important to just be honest with our children. That's what I plan to do with my little man as he grows up, not beat around the bush and always be willing to answer difficult questions.
If only they had decent fathers so we wouldn't have these problems to face 🤦🏼‍♀️

I see what you are saying, my exes texts are the same, “you chose to keep them” “they are your responsibility” “I will never be a dad to them” hard for a kid to see but I’m prepared to show mine if he ever does try to pop up claiming to be stopped

@Happycat1212 yes you are right... it will definitely keep them in case I need them one day.
I sometimes get the urge to message and ask him if he wants to see my son and ask why he doesn't bother with him, just so I have that on record myself to show my son I tried and can clear my conscience, but then I am also scared for selfish reasons he turns around and says yes! I am so happy and content having my son all to myself now... but I know deep down my son will crave a father one day. It's just such a crap situation, wish his dad had just stepped up from the beginning 😔

It is not for you to organise or facilitate contact. I went through years of phoning /texting etc. And being ignored. Kids fitted in as and when it suited him. And I got fed up with it.

Told him clearly if you want to see the children to contact me and say so. I'm Not doing the chasing any longer and I'm not sitting around on the off chance of you turning up.

What parent needs to be chased to see their kids. They should be on the door step waiting. I saw a mam jump out of his car the other day and get to his knees to his daughter on her door step. The mother had a face that I have when I see ex. So I assumed it was a split family. But to see that man jump out of his car and run up the path and get down to his daughters level to cuddle her made me smile. And wished my kids dad made some sort of effort.

I can't make him. Or force him to step up. I've tried. Chasing. Calling. Shouting. Telling his parents. And nothing. He gives no fucks. Regardless of what I do.

And if I was the evil mother he tells people I am. Why is he not doing more to see his kids and keep them away from me. Or take me to court. Use the powers you have to show you care.

Or do nothing because you can't be arsed.