Dd 13 dad left with no contact or whereabouts, dealing with the effects

[creaturcomforts]

Hi, I'm 2 years on since dd's dad left, she was 11 at the time and we had been married 15 years, there were problems, as I was not happy with his lack of involvement with dd and had asked him if we could separate amicably, I maybe should have kept things quiet and arranged a life with me and dd, but he had done things before he knew I had put through the divorce.

He told me and dd that he had met another woman and had never been happy with me and then moved out to stay with his sister before moving in with his new family, he had told me that he had met this woman online, she has 3 children age 2,13, 18 and she lives in Germany.

Dd found it hard to understand, me as well, be then did exactly what we didn't expect, from living with his sister and having a few conversations with my dd on the phone... he seemed to have moved to Germany. He sent dd a text saying he was no longer in the country and dd asked why and where was he, he asked where do you think?

Dd told me this, and that she was angry and upset..she was 12 at the time and didn't understand, he told her she should be happy for him as he was her dad and then completely blocked her on her phone.

I'm still trying to pick up the pieces, the way he treated her was so cruel and dismissive and she has had alot of problems since, self harm and anger towards me, I hopefully managed to be there for her and she is no longer self harming, but i am on a low income, single parent working 60 hours a week to cover Bill's and rent, no child maintenance as father is abroad and not there enough my dd...

I work as a carer, but 12 hrs shift to make up the rent

Have the cms confirmed he's out of the country ? He might have just said that to get away with it ?

Notapizzaeater, thanks for reading, yes I believe so, as he had paid cms for 3 months, then nothing after he told dd he had gone. Cms then told me that the paying parent was not in there jurisdiction, case was closed.

Thing is, I have no idea where in Germany he could have moved to, I dont think I have much of a case.

I'm just more worried about dd

God knows where dd could get support, if I could afford private counselling I would but it doesnt sound believable and no one understands, I try my best to support my daughter but she keeps asking me for answers and I dont know, 2 years ago after he left she withdrew from school and was in such a mess...

Can school not help access support ? Ours has onsite nurture provision and if needed can refer outwards if the need is greater.

Hi thank you so much, I can't fault the school, at the time I made the school aware that dd was struggling, she had a counsellor at the school that was there for children in need, it seemed to help, it was a relief as dd said she felt it hard to talk to me, as she understandably felt mixed loyalties, she said it felt good to talk, but wont talk to me much, I'm just as confused as her as to how this happened and not much help.

Growing up, I dont know what to tell her, dad's just gone and I dont know how he could just block her out, as an 11 yr old having been there until that time , i find it hard to not be negative

What a complete and utter bastard. That's a terrible thing to do to his daughter.

Ugh yes it feels like such a mess and I can't help feeling responsible, he was a very needy person who needed his emotions to be centre stage, I finally plucked up the courage to tell him that I thought we should separate as he was moody and just made an uncomfortable environment, highs and lows but no communication and he seemed to manipulate things to end his way but seemed to be a good dad to friends and family. I didn't want a big drama but he was extremely hurt and angry when I suggested divorce.

Hardest thing for me to deal with, is that yes, I know I didn't matter but just what can make any person leave a child?

You can't help but think you've done something that makes it happen

Maybe you did do something (maybe not). Maybe you were a nightmare and he never wants to have anything to do with you again (maybe not). But his daughter? That's unforgivable.

She really will need support and counselling.

Thanks amandaholdens! Towards when husband left, dd witnessed alot that happened, she seemed to call her dad out on this, he didn't like it. It was a nightmare, but she had a right to speak out, and at 11 almost 12 she had her own opinions and tried to talk to him, he didn't like being confronted on what he was doing and blocked her out.

I try to support her, have looked into as much support as I can but theres not much for children, family have helped, she is much better than she was, a year ago I was very worried about her, coronavirus hasn't helped

Creaturcomforts what a stressful situation for you both. I would just say at least your daughter has you my mum was abandoned by her mother and her father wasnt much better to be honest. I would just make your daughter feel as loved as possible. I would try and get you both some counselling maybe through a charity if money is tight? I would try and move forward and think about the things you can do in life rather than the things you cant control such as your ex's behaviour.

My situation was very different as I had an abusive father who didn't leave (and a mother who was happy for us kids to take the heat off her) but I did spend years wondering "why". What on earth could my brother or I have done that caused him to hate us so much? I still wonder sometimes, TBH, and I'm nearly 60!

I think all that you can do is to keep reinforcing to your daughter that his behaviour is his alone, it was nothing that she could have caused, controlled or changed.

My situation was just brushed under the carpet, we were told by my mum that if we said anything about the abuse, we'd be taken into care. No one helped us, which really made us feel like no one cared.

Your daughter has got something priceless though - a mum who cares, looks for help for her, and provides a safe haven.

Bless you OP, I think you sound like a lovely mum, keep reassuring her, keep talking to her and give her a hug from me, a random wee plump wifey from the Internet!

I wonder if there are any charities who could help with pointing you in the right direction for counselling? I wish I had something helpful to say.