ex partner problem with access

[api]

I have granted and accomodated my ex regarding access rights since we split 2 years ago.
He lives 2 hours away and my toddler does not visit him at his home.
My todder never wants to spend time with him on his own as he is very attached to me and I can see how distressed he gets when this is challenged.
I want to allow open access but not to the detriment of my toddler.
I dont want to inflict a situation on him that upsets him.
How do I manage this without seeming like I am in control and actually simply have my childs interest at heart.
Ex is very selfish/ unreliable and has scant knowledge of his child.
thankyou for all advice.

seems like the distance is the problem, if you did let your ex have open access and he took him back to his house would you just be able to jump in a car and travel to hoim if you ex decided that he didnt fancy bringing him back, how well do you trust him ? how does the access work at the moment ?

thanks Tinkerbell,

I have granted open access for 2 years and he has stayed with us on evey visit until recently.
I know he lies and basically i dont trust him at all. He withholds infomation and has never had my sons interest at heart.
Son is sensitive little soul and clearly doesnt want to be with him without me being there. I have complied with this but now that things are deterioating with father and myself I feel less inclined to do this. Now he finally knows I will not have him back he is finally playing the old chestnut of being bothered about his son. I always have recently discovered that he has been seeing someone else but still trying to win my heart. So deceitful. This doesnt concern me at all but my sons well being does.
I feel very strong and determined not to allow a man who has fundamentally messed up our lives to have control or make demands on me. I have finally started to fight back.
I understand he has rights but at moment I feel they are in name alone.
Hope this seem reasonable and understandable.
thanks

thanks Tinkerbell,

I have granted open access for 2 years and he has stayed with us on evey visit until recently.
I know he lies and basically i dont trust him at all. He withholds infomation and has never had my sons interest at heart.
Son is sensitive little soul and clearly doesnt want to be with him without me being there. I have complied with this but now that things are deterioating with father and myself I feel less inclined to do this. Now he finally knows I will not have him back he is finally playing the old chestnut of being bothered about his son. I always have recently discovered that he has been seeing someone else but still trying to win my heart. So deceitful. This doesnt concern me at all but my sons well being does.
I feel very strong and determined not to allow a man who has fundamentally messed up our lives to have control or make demands on me. I have finally started to fight back.
I understand he has rights but at moment I feel they are in name alone.
Hope this seem reasonable and understandable.
thanks

would it be possible for someone else, who the child knows and is comfortable with, to be present during contact instead of you, if you and the dad don't get on? if you want him and the little one to develop a positive relationship independent of you, you will have to think of ways that will help build up your and your son's trust in him. I am having to do this now, it's hard but it should make things easier in the long term, by improving relations all-round. Give him a chance to prove he is able to take responsibility for his child.

God Api, I wish I could have your strength. WHat you have said sounds so like my situation with ex, but you seem so strong and in control, sadly I'm not at that stage yet. I admire you.

Like Debra says - maybe grandparents or aunty?

Alternatively I'd suggest getting a professional facilitator involved who will very much have your child's interests at heart and won't be remotely swayed by your ex's attemmpts at emotional manipulation.

Buzzybee where are these facilitators?

thankyou all so much.
I know that its essential to keep all our relationships as healthy as poss but its hard when one party has their own agenda and lies consistently.
I fear my child being distressed and refuse to allow him to be a bargaining tool.
I feel when one member has messed up so badly why should we all suffer.
This is not the blueprint I ever imagined or deserved and my emotions remain steadfast that child must always come first.
Seems so unfair that I have accomodated every single visit/whim/ distressing call/ emotional needs from my ex and now I am being made to go even further.
Surely there comes a time when your own needs, vis a vis your childs must be acknowledged.

BunInTum what is your email?

I'm in New Zealand so can't provide UK contacts sorry! Here, you would contact the Family Court. Maybe try that Lone Parent Helpline that is advertised on this page?