Communication with ex

[Itlod1982]

Just feeling really anxious and wonder how everyone deals with this?

I had a massive text argument with DS' dad a few months ago over a couple of parenting issues. It was to do with his new DP crossing boundaries with DS and basically his new DP went in a huff and has said she no longer wants us to communicate by text, phone or email. ExH is totally under thumb and only wants us to speak in person at drop off or pick up so his new DP isn't involved 🤯

I don't think it's necessarily appropriate for DS to hear our discussions.

AIBU??

So what happens if you do message him? I can kind of see his point if it was the other way round people would tell you to ignore him

Well what if something comes up? If my kids start vomiting Wednesday I dont wait till my ex shows up Thursday to say they arnt coming (they always stay with me when sick 😒) likewise if the school say there is an issue I dont want discussed infront of the kids I will message him that too

If she can't wind her neck in and stop crossing parenting boundaries that will detrimentally affect the children if the children hear parents arguing about whatever that will damage them more if SHE is the cause of the arguing they will turn on her too

Get the talking parents app its ridiculous and petulant to "not communicate" cos my girlfriend said so

@Happycat1212

So what happens if you do message him? I can kind of see his point if it was the other way round people would tell you to ignore him

All he's said is that if I do text him he'll ignore it.

To put this into context we've been separated over 8 years and had this one major argument. ExH mum also found out about the issue I had concerns about and went absolutely ballistic when she is usually pretty balanced (if anything he's a bit of a mummy's boy!) She will now have nothing to do with my ex's new DP.

I'll admit that one that one occasion I lost my cool and didn't use the best language. I maintain I was in the right and anyone who knows about the situation was shocked. I've apologised for the language I used and for not being professional but for the past 8 years I have been nothing but civil and kept communication to a minimum and always about DS' welfare

@Theunamedcat

Well what if something comes up? If my kids start vomiting Wednesday I dont wait till my ex shows up Thursday to say they arnt coming (they always stay with me when sick 😒) likewise if the school say there is an issue I dont want discussed infront of the kids I will message him that too

If she can't wind her neck in and stop crossing parenting boundaries that will detrimentally affect the children if the children hear parents arguing about whatever that will damage them more if SHE is the cause of the arguing they will turn on her too

Get the talking parents app its ridiculous and petulant to "not communicate" cos my girlfriend said so

Thanks, I'll look into that. Strangely enough exH seems happy enough to argue about it in front of DS and I'm the one saying it's not appropriate

What boundaries did she cross? What did you say about her to your ex?

She is probably not happy about you and your ex having conversations discussing her without her input. It's a bit strange.

How old is your son? Do you need to communicate with his dad? May sound silly but my parents didn't from age 9/10? I was more than capable of arranging when I was with either and remembering my school stuff but appreciate not every one is like this and depends on age. I don't necessarily think it's unreasonable to suggest chatting in person either, unless in an emergency. Surely you can tell your son to wait in the house and speak to his dad if needed first?

@Bimbledon

What boundaries did she cross? What did you say about her to your ex?

I'd rather not say as it would be outing plus it'll probably just turn into another debate about that.

My exH's mum was threatening social services over it and despite my rant I've had a lot of criticism for underplaying it but I genuinely believe it was an issue with them not understanding boundaries and what is/is not appropriate for his age, rather than anything malicious. This was my reaction after calming down but my it initial response wasn't great. All
I really said that it was completely inappropriate and she wasn't cut out to be in his life if that was how she was going to act but it's the language that wasn't great. I hold my hands to the language being inappropriate but I was so so angry at the time and genuinely worried about DS' safety so flew off the handle.
Completely out of character for me which exH knows and like I said it's been one incident in 8 years

ExH initially admitted it then back tracked when he realised the seriousness of the situation and I don't think he was happy that I had his admission by text.....

@Putdownthecake

How old is your son? Do you need to communicate with his dad? May sound silly but my parents didn't from age 9/10? I was more than capable of arranging when I was with either and remembering my school stuff but appreciate not every one is like this and depends on age. I don't necessarily think it's unreasonable to suggest chatting in person either, unless in an emergency. Surely you can tell your son to wait in the house and speak to his dad if needed first?

He's only 8, was only a couple of months when we split.

There are a number of reasons I'd rather have a record of our discussions. One example we're discussing now is holidays.
I'll ask if it's ok for me to take DS on holiday on X date and he'll say "I'll check".
I end up constantly chasing him every couple
of weeks and he says the same again.

I generally hate speaking him in person. He's not threatening but I get anxious and nervous speaking to him and quite shaky. He's just blunt and rude so I avoid it at all costs.
There's even been instances where we've been arranging something and I agree even when I don't want to just to get out the situation

Fair enough. I just thought it might give us some context as to why the partner has taken it so badly. I understand in some situations why the new partner would rather their partner and ex only have minimal comms (arrangements and emergencies for children only). I’m surprised that they won’t even email, you need to have at least one line of communication open for emergencies and I agree that it’s better to have things in writing.

The parenting app might be a good option in these circumstances

@Bimbledon

Fair enough. I just thought it might give us some context as to why the partner has taken it so badly. I understand in some situations why the new partner would rather their partner and ex only have minimal comms (arrangements and emergencies for children only). I’m surprised that they won’t even email, you need to have at least one line of communication open for emergencies and I agree that it’s better to have things in writing.

The partner claimed I was making wild & dangerous accusations that could cause her lasting damage. I would've accepted her point if they were accusations but I asked my ExH by text if xyz happened (i was told second hand by my DS) he said it did happen but defended his partners actions.

Then when I went nuts and highlighted how wrong it was, supported by his own mother (and anyone close to me I told, I'm just suing his mum as an example as she's the one who's not biased in my favour) he changed his story but I had the texts. So I think he regrets the written record.

His new DP claims I'm out to ruin her life 🙄 even though I've not been with my Ex for 8'years and have no interest in him whatsoever.

I also find exH is much more civil at drop off/ pick up when she's not there but is obviously tip toeing around her to avoid any hassle. Even before this big argument she couldn't stand us having any contact at all.

They were together over 2years before this incident and as soon as they got together he wasn't allowed to come to parents night, hospital appointments, nativities etc. Before they got together he would never have missed any of these things. This is just extra context to explain there was an issue before the big argument we had.
I'm not sure what her issue was with me back then tbh 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sounds like you didn’t handle it too well, emotionally rather than logically which is totally understandable when you’re worried about your child.. but of course it’s understandable that the ex is going to back his partner. Things will always change when a new partner comes on the scene because he has to respect her feelings as well as doing his duty as a dad. I don’t think it’s unusual that he would stop going to parents evenings etc. As I think that’s probably normal for a lot of people that move on to a new relationship and you approach parenting separately. You’re not in a nuclear family anymore so a lot of things are done without both of you. As for the situation... not sure how you could go back from it, perhaps just try and reason with him and suggest an alternate method of communication and see if he goes for it. You probably need to let the dust settle as well

Sounds like you need a written record of things tell him your not discussing issues infront of your 8 year old its grossly inappropriate you can use an app called talking parents

@Bimbledon

Sounds like you didn’t handle it too well, emotionally rather than logically which is totally understandable when you’re worried about your child.. but of course it’s understandable that the ex is going to back his partner. Things will always change when a new partner comes on the scene because he has to respect her feelings as well as doing his duty as a dad. I don’t think it’s unusual that he would stop going to parents evenings etc. As I think that’s probably normal for a lot of people that move on to a new relationship and you approach parenting separately. You’re not in a nuclear family anymore so a lot of things are done without both of you. As for the situation... not sure how you could go back from it, perhaps just try and reason with him and suggest an alternate method of communication and see if he goes for it. You probably need to let the dust settle as well

Thanks @Bimbledon appreciate the advice!

I'm under no illusion that were a nuclear family, neither do I have any desire to be with him whatsoever.
We split when DS was a baby but for 6+ years we've co-parented very amicably and he'd never have missed a parents night or nativity until he got his new DP. Hence me assuming it's her influence.

Personally I'm happier to go to these things without him but it's DS that's missing out. He couldn't understand why he wouldn't go to his school induction last year and was quite upset. As for nativities etc we've never sat together and played happy families but now he's not even allowed in the school building (it's a massive school) at the same time as me.

All this started happening 2+ years ago and the argument where I got emotional was a few months ago so I think it's only part of the issue and a convenient excuse.

Sounds like they're in a lovely, happy trusting relationship eh?!

My DP wouldn't bat an eyelid if I went to a joint meeting with my ex for the sake of DS

Exh's partner was like this (she was the OW). She has spent 8 years making coparenting absolutely impossible. She hated us having contact and controlled all communication. The last straw was when I was diagnosed with breast cancer last March and she banned DS (then 9 years old) from visiting. This was so exh couldn't give me any help while I was ill.

I took ex h back to court when he hadn't seen DS for 8 months and now it's a year later and the court have issued a no contact order and an injunction against the girlfriend 🤷🏻‍♀️. So he's lost his son because of her jealous insecurities.

I wouldn't be putting up with this and I think you need to nip it in the bud. Her opinion is of no relevance, she is not his wife and she has no right to interfere. If he hasn't got the balls to stand up to her then I'd suggest a parenting app where you can communicate. This is ridiculous and so damaging for your child. Why can't he see that??

I’m guessing your EX+DP did something wildly inappropriate like let your DS come into their bed in the morning while they were not appropriately dressed/ showered together or possibly something like let him drink half a beer/try a cigarette. I think you wanting to communicate in writing is fine. If you agree that the incident does not require further discussion provided it never happens again do you think your ex would go back to your normal email/text communication? Another possibility, could you communicate in writing even if ex doesn’t reply? Ideally with something that shows whether he has read your message. So then on the doorstep you can just say, ok, I’ll think about it and message you later? Maybe the parenting app mentioned does this?

@TheFormidableMrsC

Exh's partner was like this (she was the OW). She has spent 8 years making coparenting absolutely impossible. She hated us having contact and controlled all communication. The last straw was when I was diagnosed with breast cancer last March and she banned DS (then 9 years old) from visiting. This was so exh couldn't give me any help while I was ill.

I took ex h back to court when he hadn't seen DS for 8 months and now it's a year later and the court have issued a no contact order and an injunction against the girlfriend 🤷🏻‍♀️. So he's lost his son because of her jealous insecurities.

I wouldn't be putting up with this and I think you need to nip it in the bud. Her opinion is of no relevance, she is not his wife and she has no right to interfere. If he hasn't got the balls to stand up to her then I'd suggest a parenting app where you can communicate. This is ridiculous and so damaging for your child. Why can't he see that??

@TheFormidableMrsC so sorry to hear about your situation. Hope you've fully recovered and living happily with your DC.

What was the injunction a result of?

It's crazy how when the man leaves and gets with the OW, that the OW then ends up jealous and insecure about him having contact with the woman he cheated on her with??! Seems quite common tho! Maybe it's a consequence of how they get together!

@Babyiskickingmyribs

I’m guessing your EX+DP did something wildly inappropriate like let your DS come into their bed in the morning while they were not appropriately dressed/ showered together or possibly something like let him drink half a beer/try a cigarette. I think you wanting to communicate in writing is fine. If you agree that the incident does not require further discussion provided it never happens again do you think your ex would go back to your normal email/text communication? Another possibility, could you communicate in writing even if ex doesn’t reply? Ideally with something that shows whether he has read your message. So then on the doorstep you can just say, ok, I’ll think about it and message you later? Maybe the parenting app mentioned does this?

Yes quite extreme. Extreme enough for exH's own mother to threaten social services. She has 4 kids and 8 grandkids and is one of the most liberal laidback parents I've met.

Last time o posted details on here looking for advice I got a barrage of abuse for not reporting it to Social Services. To be clear it was something the new partner did when ExH was in the house but was not party to it, hence my frustration with the new DP. However most of my anger was aimed at ExH for 1) letting it happen, and 2) defending it to stick up for new DP (he'll never admit it but I know he knows how wrong it was).

I've since put it down to poor judgement and lack of boundaries and want to move on but I'm the one being made to feel like the guilty part for getting worked up about my DCs safety. TBH I think that's what I'm struggling with most as it doesn't feel fair as i feel my DC deserves us to be civil and I don't feel I deserve this treatment.

I'll try email. Thanks

@Itlod1982 I can't go into too much detail as court order but essentially she was vile to DS, stigmatised him for being autistic and couldn't keep her mouth shut about her opinion of me. We've had 8 years of this though and many court hearings. After I discovered some significant animal cruelty that had taken place at their business, Cafcass were of the view enough was enough. Also DS is now old enough to voice his own opinion.

The whole thing is dreadful. He's devastated about his Dad and is having counselling but ultimately, his Dad couldn't keep him safe and wasn't prepared to stand up to OW. That story is a whole other 3,000 posts on here of the shit I've had to deal with from when he left.

I would continue to communicate as you see fit. If she continues to make things difficult then perhaps say that court might be better. It might be enough for him to put a stop to this.

It’s great that your exMIL is onside. That means you can tell your child that if the unacceptable behavior ever happens again he should tell someone from outside the household like you, his grandma, or a favorite teacher. There doesn’t seem to be any point discussing it further with your ex. It does seem like he’s got the memo but is worried about saying anything incriminating in future. He will probably calm down again once he sees the emails are all about contact and not angry discussions of his partner’s lack of common sense and boundaries. I really do think you can just carry on communicating essential stuff in writing and there’s nothing he can really do to stop you. It’s not like sending bare minimum info about contact with your son could possibly count as harassment. You could suggest copying in your MIL (not that she’d need to read the emails regularly) as a ´neutral’ 3rd party if that would appease your ex and his partner.

No. Just no.

After years of gaslighting from my ex - agreeing things then ignoring the agreements/arrangements/holiday plans, accusations and eventually threats that I went to the police about - my solicitor insisted on written communications only with the ex. That way there is nothing other than hard evidence. You somehow need to both parent your child, and to hell with what the new partner wants re communication. It also gives you chance to read messages when you're ready, and respond when you've had chance to consider your reply. 'Don't write anything you wouldn't want to be read out in court, or in front of your child' was one of the best lines I ever heard from my solicitor.

You should not leave yourself in any sort of vulnerable position where he can claim you said something you didn't, especially when there is already WRITTEN evidence of an incident having taken place in dad's care. And your ds does not need to be present to overhear the discussion at handover.

Text or email ONLY in your case op - protect yourself and your ds. Not negotiable. If he refuses to engage with it then it's his tough luck.

My ex left at the start of the first lockdown. He told me he was not coming back over the phone. He has not been interested in our daughter. His focus was looking after himself. Recently family members have been him hanging around my street and that has made me worried. Could anyone recommend a good family lawyer that they have used?

@Couldhavebeenme2

No. Just no.

After years of gaslighting from my ex - agreeing things then ignoring the agreements/arrangements/holiday plans, accusations and eventually threats that I went to the police about - my solicitor insisted on written communications only with the ex. That way there is nothing other than hard evidence. You somehow need to both parent your child, and to hell with what the new partner wants re communication. It also gives you chance to read messages when you're ready, and respond when you've had chance to consider your reply. 'Don't write anything you wouldn't want to be read out in court, or in front of your child' was one of the best lines I ever heard from my solicitor.

You should not leave yourself in any sort of vulnerable position where he can claim you said something you didn't, especially when there is already WRITTEN evidence of an incident having taken place in dad's care. And your ds does not need to be present to overhear the discussion at handover.

Text or email ONLY in your case op - protect yourself and your ds. Not negotiable. If he refuses to engage with it then it's his tough luck.

Thanks so much for your advice! Think this is what I need to do but I'm just not sure how to go about it. He's blocked me on email and said he won't reply to texts. Only reason he's not blocked my phone from texting him is so I can phone him in extreme emergencies.....infuriates me so much and I just want to move on with no drama.

Only way is to have a face to face discussion about communication methods in front of DS which I'd rather avoid. He actually thinks I have no issues with his dad and I'd rather it stayed that way.

No idea what I've done for him to hate me so much.......

@LS2020pp

My ex left at the start of the first lockdown. He told me he was not coming back over the phone. He has not been interested in our daughter. His focus was looking after himself. Recently family members have been him hanging around my street and that has made me worried. Could anyone recommend a good family lawyer that they have used?

Sorry to hear about your situation @LS2020pp You probably need someone local to you?

Such a horrible situation to be in tho