Full time working single parents to toddlers.. How do you do it all..

[Pebbledashery]

Hi mum's and dad's.

Just want some advice on how do you manage working full time with a small toddler and being a lone parent..
I'm about to start a very busy and demanding role in the NHS and I'm moving up to full time hours, I've been part time for 2 years.. My little girl goes to nursery 5 days a week.
I'm just worried about fitting everything in and also being shattered.. I guess it's being disciplined isn't it.. Which I am in my day to day life.
How do you manage everything? I'm worried about falling behind on washing.. Eating dinner late, going to bed late etc.

Hi I've noticed there's no replies yet because lone full time working mums will, basically, not have the time to go on social media!

Probably not helpful but I have done it before and seen it done before and it's simple not possible without help. Either parents or a full time nanny (which I'm sure is out of budget).

Some over optimistic new mums have insisted they have great friends who can babysit whenever and thrown endless cash at trying to make it work without the dad taking 50/50. And pretty soon had a nervous breakdown and moved back in with her parents and taken a less stressful job.

Not trying to be doom and gloom at all because I don't know your full context. I'm just sick of women being told "anything is possible! I know single mums who built 3 businesses with no help at all" blah blah it's all lies and toxic positivity. It's not physically possible and it shouldn't be expected of anyone.

Best of luck with your new job, congratulations on getting it.

I did this ten years ago, similar to you a senior role in the NHS, in IT with a toddler, I asked them if I could work from home or go part time and they said no! Which I cannot believe now looking back at that
Basically I made it as easy as possible for myself - I moved house close to work, the childminder and a good school to a small flat. Got rid of stuff, don't need to spend as much time on cleaning.
I had always been in the habit of getting supermarket food deliveries,I think this helps a lot!
I also made sure I exercised every day and ate well - it's hard to do but I honestly think I would have struggled without the extra energy that gave me. I didn't drink. When I don't do it, I notice I just don't have the extra pep at the end of the day to wash up dishes.

What support do you have? I mean real reliable support if childcare shut or kids sucks. Is your employer flexible?
Those answers change things significantly.
My friend did it full time alone with her mum proving emergency support but she was broken until they got to around 10 and were more independent.
It is doable but it is all quite shit. She basicay cut all standards. Didn't do garden at all bar mowing it and virtually no housework and easy dinners eg pasta.
She's repeed rewards now as doing very well and a great home but it was hard.

Hi I've noticed there's no replies yet because lone full time working mums will, basically, not have the time to go on social media!

Don't be ridiculous.

OP it depends on a few things.

Is the job set hours, as in you do x hours a day, but when you finish there's no expectation to do any additional work or check emails etc?

Does nursery provide an evening meal as well for DD? And is it close by to either home (or your workplace if you work from there)?

Do you have anyone who if your litte one was poorly, for example, could help look after her if needed? Managing all of the time off is one of the challenges.

Organisation absolutely is key as you say, I have a few tips:

I used to batch cook on a Sunday whilst DS napped, sounds boring but not too bad with some music on. Pasta sauces, chili etc for the freezer so they could be quickly heated up in the evening. Or plan meals on the weekend for the week and get a shop delivered Sunday night so it's quicker.

My washing basket was the same size as a max load of washing, this made it so easy as I used to chuck it in the washing machine when it was full (all together, i know). If no time in the morning I would leave it by the washer and pop it in as soon as I got home so it was doing whilst doing other things.

Cleaning I used to spend a little bit of time doing a day, and then quick cleans in the kitchen and bathroom every day if needed. Usually a room a day, or sometimes an 'activity' a day ie hoovering.

You'll find what works for you, it probably will be exhausting, at least to start with, but plenty of mums find a balance.

Be organised. Out source what you can. Have robust childcare. And the typical MN reply lower your standards.

Meal plan. Order food on line keep meals simple on week days
Weekly planner on fridge. Who needs to be where and when
Keep on top of washing. Nothing needs ironing wash. Dry fold away.
Can you afford a cleaner?
Always have basic meds in.

I'm fortunate I work from home. School hours so not full time and no commute. I admire all who work full time and out of the house. That is a challenge.

This was me years ago. Became a single mum when my Ds was 18 months and worked full time in a demanding civil service job! It was tough at times but we just got a good routine going.
Ds was in in nursery 5 days a week. We commuted via train to my work

I’d meal plan, batch cook and got a slow cooker! I accepted the fact that Ds would have a later dinner but it worked for us. Week days did feel a bit rushed but we have the commute time to play, chat etc
The most important thing was I remembered to be kind and forgive myself and not be clouded with guilt about the fact our week day lives were all work and nursery and not as much fun time. I reminded myself that doing all of this was giving Ds the best future I could and enabled us to get our own small but very lovely house.
For DS it was all he’s ever known so he was ok with it.
Weekend we’re tough because I’d be tired but he’s want to play etc so maybe there was a bit much tv but we’d also go to the park, day trips to London via train, cinema and have lots of adventures

I think the hardest part for me was having no support from friends / family really. We moved to a cheaper town to afford our house and my mums lived quite far away so no grandparent help. My best friend did come babysit when she could for emergencies but that was maybe a handful of times a year because she had her own life and work! Tbh I never expected anyone to help me out so it never bothered me.

Cleaning luckily the house was small but I kept my standards realistic and what some may consider low but it was always tidy with fresh clothes for us both.

This was me. Its definitely hard but totally do-able, take comfort in the knowledge it gets easier as the kids get older - DD (10) has just brought me a cuppa in bed and has let the dog out, fed him etc!

Be super organised, meal plan, get food delivery once a week - I still use Ocado, defo more expensive but I can book 4 weeks in advance so I'm constantly adding bits to the relevant delivery.

Cook once eat twice. Double portions that can either be lunch the next day or frozen for a dinner. If kids are having a proper cooked lunch at nursery can you just get away with a 'tea' when you're home in the evening? Soup/salad/sandwich/crumpets with cheese. Super easy.

I brought my 2 up alone and went back to work full time when they were both 5 months. No contact from their Dad so it was all down to me. Especially hard with a baby and an 8 year old but organisation was the key, although I don’t consider myself organised at all! Get clothes and lunchboxes done the night before. I used to get up early to shower and do makeup before the kids woke up. Have some quick and easy meals ready to go- mine used to love pasta, cheese, baby tomatoes and ham with tomato ketchup and cheesy beans on toast! Clubs after school, quick tea, bath and bed. Try and keep a routine no matter how shattered you are. I did struggle I can’t lie and I was tired all the time! I had 2 amazing friends who helped where they could (no grandparents to look after them). In hindsight I should have asked for more help, I think people are willing to give it but I would never ask. Take people up on their offers to sit or pick up your kids, don’t stress too much and don’t compare, do it your way! I used to bring way too much work home- try not to if you can. Leave work at work if possible.
Go to bed as soon as you can each night- I wish I had. Do the washing on Friday night, get everyone involved in the cleaning on Saturday morning with pancakes afterwards! I co slept when I had to (bf until second was 18months) and they used to climb in during the night! Get out and about but don’t tire yourself out-a good Sunday DVD and duvet afternoon is priceless! Mine are 19 and 11 now- very independent, very loving and we have a fantastic bond. Good luck

@Pleaseaddcaffine

What support do you have? I mean real reliable support if childcare shut or kids sucks. Is your employer flexible? Those answers change things significantly. My friend did it full time alone with her mum proving emergency support but she was broken until they got to around 10 and were more independent. It is doable but it is all quite shit. She basicay cut all standards. Didn't do garden at all bar mowing it and virtually no housework and easy dinners eg pasta. She's repeed rewards now as doing very well and a great home but it was hard.

I think this is the most realistic and helpful advice OP will get for this type of question.

Single mum help request posts always brings out the Maria Kang type responses from people who have completely different situations and backgrounds and are only there to use the opportunity to talk about themselves, usually to show off in order to compensate for self esteem issues.

I'll get attacked by the most defensive ones, but at this point I've learned that everyone has their own agenda and if they want to single out and bully a struggling single mum it's purely out of their own ego issues fighting back against people who are brave enough to speak the truth of what really goes on behind closed doors.

Pleaseaddcaffeine is totally right. It's so so so hard so never ever beat yourself up whenever you start to feel like you're failing or you can't cope (because all those other single working mums said they cope ok, right!?). Going FT is a whole different world to PT partly due to you suddenly being held to the same standards as people who aren't single parents to young kids. So I'd say attitudes from others is one of the hardest things you have to deal with. You have to set strong boundaries with people so as not to get overloaded, but without sounding like you're weak and making excuses at the same time. I found that people don't have to understand why I put these boundaries in place, they just have to realise that those boundaries aren't moving no matter what.

I haven't done it op, but I bloody admire you for it!
I work 30hrs and have dh to help but my top tips are...
Put a wash on before you leave in the morning and put it in the dryer when you get home (or hang out to dry). A wash a day keeps on top of it all for me.
Get shopping delivered once a week. Sit down with a wine and a snack once dc is in bed to order the shopping.
Slow cooker and batch cooking are your friend. Cook once, eat twice is great advice (I wish I could do this but dh eats all left overs).
Tidy/ clean as you go and get dc involved. My ds enjoys the tidy up song from toddler club on iplayer.
Drop all expectations and do what you can.
And at the end of every day, take a moment to congratulate yourself for making it through the day.
Good luck to you

I did it. My DS (7) went to full time nursery (7.30-6.30) 5 days per week and now he's at school is in full time school wrap around (8-6) - or was pre lockdown with pretty much the same through the holidays. It is hard, you need to be disciplined and you need to have routines but it is perfectly possible. I live about an hours commute from work in London so in an emergency you do need someone to be able to do pick up if the trains are delayed/your child is ill. Nursery were pretty good at waiting an hour or so for me but school are less forgiving in a post COVID world.

I used to cycle to nursery, cycle to the station, jump on the train that was just about to leave, get to London 35 mins later, walk to work and when it all worked it was lovely. When it didn't it was stressful.

You need work to be understanding - I turned up on my first day and told them I'd be arriving at 9.15 and leaving at 4.45 in order to do that commute which they were fine with - happy to work in the evenings etc and I never took lunch really. When he started school I offered to officially reduce my hours but we agreed that actually I would do the same amount of work so was fine. Like I say, they have been great and I am in a reasonably senior role.

For the first three years money was really tight. I have been fortunate in a right place right time way and my career has progressed hugely in the last 4 yrs or so but when I went back after mat leave was on a relatively low salary and it was hard to cover all the costs. But I muddled through and didn't do anything too extravagant, kept to a tight budget and watched the pennies and it is now significantly easier. When he napped in the day life was easier. I would clean one lunchtime on the weekend when he slept and sort the garden on the other. Last year I cracked and got a cleaner and I quite like doing the garden, as does he, so that's not so bad.

So, my key take away is to make sure you work somewhere that will give you flexibility and understanding, that you have emergency help at pick up just in case everything goes tits up on your commute and that you're organised.

Good luck but you have to believe it's possible and you probably also need to go into it a little blind as too much knowledge and it may seem overwhelming!

Oh, and mine was a choice which I suspect made it easier. My DS is donor conceived. So I knew, as much as anyone does, what I was getting myself in to do there wasn't a psychological barrier to overcome with finding myself alone if that helps.

I was exhausted for about 10 years. That's the long and short of it. I hired a nanny in the end as it was more economical with 2 than 2 lots of nursery fees and really helped out with the whole 'sticky eye so off for 2 weeks from nursery' shit that you have to deal with!

Now my kids have left home and it feels odd! You'll have v little time but don't wish it away - it goes super fast when you're so busy!

Thank you for your replies everyone. Cook once, eat twice is definitely good advice... I do they now as it is. I am a very routine driven person.. I think it's just the evenings I'm not looking forward to.. But to be honest, it's not going to be too dissimilar to what I'm doing now. I finish work from home at 5pm and get to nursery by 5.15pm. I will finish my job in the hospital at 5pm and be at nursery by 5.20pm and home by 5.30pm. I guess I just worry about being shattered and falling behind on stuff.. I have nobody to do emergency childcare or nursery pick up except my daughters friends mum but she also works.. My daughter has been ill once in 1 year at nursery, she isn't prone to illness really.. That was when she first joined nursery she had all the sticky eye nonsense but now she's nearly 3 she's much more robust. I guess I have things like chicken pox etc to come 😭😭. My new work place know I'm a single parent, I've also told DDs nursery that I won't be as accessible in the day as I am not allowed to have my phone on me except for lunch. I will give them my work mobile but have said its for emergencies.
Online shopping is definitely a good idea!!

It's very hard. There are things you can do to help yourself though. If you can afford a cleaner then get one. If you can't, lower your cleaning expectations. Batch cook at weekends and freeze for the nights you can't be bothered or don't have time to cook. Get some annabel karmel ready meals for the freezer for toddler for when you're tired. At weekends nap when toddler naps if you're tired. Be kind to yourself. It's not easy but it doesn't stay hard for long

I also ate literally the same thing every day so that I didn't need to think about what I was doing and could time it to the second around bath, bed and story. I suspect that is something only I would do .....!

I work full time, my career is demanding and I have one lo at nursery and one at school.

If you are doing ser hours it will be easier to manage than if you were working shifts.
You just have to do your best and that is all you can do. Try and not put too much pressure on yourself.
-Book a supermarket shop to be delivered or collect at weekend.
-Make a meal planner and keep it on your fridge.
-maybe use a slow cooker, throw it all in and set the timer.
-picnic tea some days if you are stuck for time.
-wash on at night
-good bedtime routine so your lo gets enough sleep and you have time for you.

• do a quick tidy up when your lo is in bed to keep things a bit tidy.

-do some jobs at the weekend but get our with your lo for some fresh air. -chat to friends if you need to vent.

I'm sure you will be ok and don't forget you can't do everything.