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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Clothes

25 replies

IronNeonClasp · 13/04/2021 21:40

Not sure if this is the right area for this post.

My ex holds on to clothes and denies having any of them effectively gas lighting me although he wouldn't agree with this sentiment.

Some of these clothes are John Lewis (my Dad buys for birthdays) or clothes my mum I see 4 times a year has bought, good quality or branded ones where I have been able to afford something or had a bargain on EBay and I never see them again. This applies to school clothes too which is so frustrating I cannot tell you.

Aside from photographing the children every time they leave the house I'm not sure what to do. If I label the clothes he'll still hold on to them. This may seem minor in the grand scheme of things but it's costing me a lot having to replace stuff and it's really starting to piss me off.

Any one been in this situation please?

OP posts:

Original poster

IronNeonClasp · 13/04/2021 21:45

If I message him and tell him so for example today he said this:

"I literally have 1 pair of pink trousers for DD and not much else"

OP posts:

DinosaurDiana · 13/04/2021 21:48

So is he selling them, or are the kids wearing them at his ?
Do the kids say these clothes are at his house ?
From now on send them in old or cheap clothes.

Sparky888 · 13/04/2021 21:49

Another one to say put them in v cheap clothes that you don’t care about getting back. Not much you can do

Happycat1212 · 13/04/2021 22:20

So stop sending expensive / nice stuff .
Primark/ second hand only

Starlightstarbright1 · 13/04/2021 22:51

Yes agreed only answer cheap stuff.

unicornsarereal72 · 13/04/2021 23:26

Send the kids wearing one outfit and one outfit to change then if it dos t come back don't send anything more. Hard I know. But I just slowly stopped se doing stuff. If he can't find the belongings he will ha e to go and buy stuff

Mygardenisnotperfect · 13/04/2021 23:43

This is a common problem OP, you are far from the only one that experiences this. Why are men so shit?? It is more common where there is a history of domestic abuse and it’s another way of controlling and upsetting you and draining your finances while if you try to mention it at court etc it seems like you’re being ridiculous and petty as the (usually male) judge can’t see the issue when it’s a recurring thing and not a one off and how that can really eat into a single parents finances and cause upset to boot. He knows all of this.

Agree totally get some cheap clothes from ASDA/Primark/second hand from eBay or charity shops etc. and send the child to contact in those. It’s really shit that you can’t send them in nice things but you can’t be too precious about it if your ex is being like this, and the child will be fine and not scarred for life by it as long as the clothes fit and are clean and not ripped or stained. And then keep your nicest clothes for use when the child is with you.

This issue was semi resolved for me when child custody arrangements for dad became (not for this reason, was more about avoiding direct hangovers between us due to abuse!) Friday pick up directly from school in uniform and return to school Monday morning in uniform. He also had one night a week and again picked up from school and returned to school next day. I’d still send him in nice well fitting good quality uniform in a Friday and get him back in ripped stained too-small uniform back on a Monday even then 🙄 But tried to send him in the least good cheap uniform I had for him on Fridays in the end. Eventually when dad got enough of my least good bit not utter rubbish outfits he stopped sending him back in utterly shit uniform as it was pointless and he risked drawing attention to himself at school as a crap dad if there was an obvious difference in the uniform on a Monday only etc.

Also when my kid got to a certain age he’d say himself he wants to wear this top etc. and it got hard for dad to tell him why he couldn’t wear his favourite top or bring it back to mums at a certain point... He’s a teenager now and actually dad has now terminated contact of his own accord but obviously at this age a child won’t be told what to wear. So it does get better with time!

Mygardenisnotperfect · 13/04/2021 23:47

And definitely don’t send anything other than the clothes the child is in, personally I wouldn’t even send a change of clothes, if the child is having any kind of significant contact with dad especially if overnight then dad will need to buy some clothes to have in the house like a normal parent. My ex tried to say I should send my child with a suitcase of clothes for the week for his week with him on holidays 🙄 Since when can only mother’s buy clothes and not fathers? If he wants to be a parent then be a parent. So infuriating. My ex tried to complain to the judge that I wouldn’t do this and did get pretty short shrift!

Original poster

IronNeonClasp · 14/04/2021 07:22

Thanks so much for your replies.

DD is 10 and DS is 11. Over half term it's been worse but highlighted. And I'm nearly 50 so I can't remember what they're wearing when I send them to him. Christmas I sent them over smart as they were seeing Grandparents or recently Easter.
He has been reliant on me for support, he smokes weed and is a controlled drinker. I gave up Jan 20 so I am noticing that more. I spent £60 in Primark last night so bought joggers - still £8 each, £2 leggings but I do the same about 4 times a year and our drawers just seem to get thinner. He keeps sending DD back in age 6 socks. It's so difficult that I feel like I'm going mad sometimes.

He has had his tax credits stopped (claimed he was main carer 4 years ago - he's not) and I'm not sure why he says he's earning just over the threshold. Problem is having lived with him for years I know he is a convincing compulsive liar.

I will just keep buying bundles on eBay I guess but it's such a shame that he's a drip and has to do this. The selling them is a possibility I guess although I doubt he could be bothered, more like there's a corner of bags with the clothes in or they've been put somewhere and he's so stoned he's forgotten.

To date we've just done all the arrangements between ourselves but I'm not sure if I'll have to look into mediation as the kids are so loyal to him that I'm not sure what goes on over there but they both came back very emotional the other day and I'm not sure how much his unmanageability is wearing off on them. He sat in my house for an hour and a half whinging about money, how shit life is and how he's going to be kicked out of his house as he can't afford the rent. Suggested he knock the weed (£65 a time - not sure how much he smokes) and booze as he can't afford either. I don't want a relationship with him tbh. But because the kids are very young and innocent I try to keep the peace. This also doesn't help with the clothes as they won't put their clothes in a bag when they've taken off. DD may at a push..

OP posts:

Starlightstarbright1 · 14/04/2021 12:06

Tell him you aren't providing clothes.

Do you claim through cms ? Do if you aren't.

Ensure you are claiming everything you can.

whatwouldjudydo · 14/04/2021 16:39

My ex does the same so I send them in clothes I don't mind getting 'lost' and then the next time send them back in whatever they had returned in. I find it really frustrating as he doesn't pay any maintenance for our four children at all so it's just extra things I'm having to pay out for.

COS2102 · 14/04/2021 20:26

My husband's ex is a nightmare for this too. My step-son has a drawer of clothes he wears to his mum's and a drawer of clothes for when he is home. The clothes he wears to his mum's are hand-me-downs and old clothes. Its a shame but its just too much when you can't trust the other house

Original poster

IronNeonClasp · 15/04/2021 10:46

It is unfair and it's controlling. Massive to and forth again now this morning he is accusing me of having multiple items I don't have... I've embarrassingly had to email the school this morning to ask the teachers to let the kids have a look.

OP posts:

Original poster

IronNeonClasp · 15/04/2021 10:48

@Starlightstarbright1

Tell him you aren't providing clothes.

Do you claim through cms ? Do if you aren't.

Ensure you are claiming everything you can.

No I earn substantially more than him. I bought him out of the house so there's a lot of sour grapes (even though the house is a tiny 2 bed and needs loads of work)

OP posts:

Herbie0987 · 15/04/2021 16:48

From the age of 7 my daughter was packing her own bag when she went to her dad. Your children are old enough to do the same, it gives them some responsibility.
I also bought a spare set of clothes, pyjamas and dressing gown to keep at their dad’s, which he then had to replace as she grew.
Even the best of dad’s are blinkered at times and don’t realising they are harming the relationship with their children.

beelola · 15/04/2021 20:08

I've got one that deliberately wrecks the clothes I send them in. Now I only send them in the cheapest primark tops and leggings there is available.

ForThePurposeOfTheTape · 15/04/2021 20:14

Sad that you have to do this but tell the kids to pack worn clothes back into their bag as if they are at school on PE day.
Buy second hand bundles that you don't mind losing until they are old enough not to accept that any more in which case packing worn clothes in their bag will hopefully be ok.

Original poster

IronNeonClasp · 15/04/2021 21:49

It's not right to be doing this though is it ? It's coercive control? So that's the continued abuse from our marriage and a way to continue to get at me. It's not even about the clothes.

It sickens me we have to put up with this shit.

OP posts:

Pinkyxx · 15/04/2021 23:15

My ex did the same, only stopped when DC was old enough to put her clothes in her bag herself. I dread to think what I've spent replacing things over the years...

It's wrong but what can you do? They deny it (delight in make life difficult more like..), and have 'rights' that supersede all else... so you end up just having to deal with it.

ForThePurposeOfTheTape · 15/04/2021 23:19

Of course it's not right.
His motive might be to punish you but he's hurting the children too. They may be at an age or very close to an age where they will have an attachment to their favourite items or clothing and it will be horrible for them to realise that they can't wear them to their Dad's house if they want to guarantee the item's "safety" Do they take toys or gadgets to his? Does he send them back?

Longdistance · 15/04/2021 23:24

Take a photo of your dc as they leave for their dads. Preferably in Primark/Matalan type clothes. If you’re sending them with a bag of clothes, photograph them and log them also?

ForThePurposeOfTheTape · 15/04/2021 23:26

I would get the kids to practice putting their worn clothes in their bag. Don't they do this for PE anyway? Secondary school pe kit is usually pricier than primary so I'd get the older one in particular to start practicing.

BluntlySpoken · 16/04/2021 07:28

Send them in an outfit. That's it.
He supply Clothes for there.
They then return in that outfit they Went in.
Make sure that outfit is primark or similar

HugeAckmansWife · 17/04/2021 09:46

Absolutely, they go in an outfit. After that it's down to him. That's why cms is reduced on the number of nights the nrp has. After a bumpy start I do this with ex. Insisted he had toothbrushes, pj's and clothes. The only thing that goes between are big things like a bike helmet but even then, I've had to replace stuff that went missing so trying to reduce it even more.

gormaljiep · 20/07/2021 20:48

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