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Original poster

Where do you draw the line?

7 replies

Happycat1212 · 12/04/2021 00:11

Just wondering where you draw the line between telling your children the truth about why their father is absent and “bad mouthing them” surely saying anything negative is bad mouthing? How do you explain the truth and why they are absent then? At what age is it acceptable to tell the truth (not a sugar coated version like “some people just aren’t able to be parents”) but the actual truth about why their father is absent and how do you draw the line between the truth and bad mouthing? I don’t want my children to grow up idolising my ex and I’ve heard people say that sometimes children blame the mother for why the father is absent

OP posts:
RedGoldAndGreene · 12/04/2021 08:05

It depends what the truth is. If Dad was a rapist then your child doesn't need to know that and a much more vague "he hurt you" or "he scared you" would be much better. They might assume physical violence which strictly isn't true but it's in the ballpark

I think that by the end of primary school a child should know vaguely why their parents marriage broke down. If you leave it too late then they are less likely to believe it or might feel lied to.

There is overlap between the truth and bad mouthing and I think neutral phrasing is key. So if Dad left after an affair then "he wanted to live with X instead of me" is better than "he couldn't keep it in his pants and moved in with X who's a bigger mug than me"

RedGoldAndGreene · 12/04/2021 08:08

I think whether or not the child still sees Dsd is also a consideration.

Some children might want to discuss the past with their Dad and I'd be concerned about their safety if they asked their violent Dad if it was true what you'd said.

Unmute · 12/04/2021 08:25

Is your child actually asking why their dad is absent? If not, there's no need to say anything. I've never talked to Ds (now 16) about why his dad isn't around. I occasionally bring him up in a low key kind of way, eg you get your height from your dad, your dad didn't like mushrooms either, that kind of thing. Ds doesn't seem at all interested.

If they are asking, then I'd be honest in an age appropriate way. I wouldn't share too many details and I'd be led by the child, answering their questions rather than volunteering information.

lemorella · 12/04/2021 08:30

My DM was always too nice about why my DF was always letting us down when we were young and his subsequent abandonment.

If DF is crap or not in contact be as honest as possible, you can speak the facts without badmouthing.

Original poster
Happycat1212 · 12/04/2021 14:12

Yes they do ask questions about him quite a bit actually, there was DV but I definitely wasn’t planning on mentioning that at all, and no he is not around so the children won’t go mentioning that to him. He is absent through choice, he flits in and out occasionally but he is mainly out, he has always resented them and me for having them so I think he doesn’t like to see them because he blames me for having them, a year ago he told me he wants nothing to do with them at all and never will, that he will never be a dad and never to contact him again unless it’s an emergency, he said he takes no responsibility for them because “it was your choice to have them, you didn’t have to” I don’t want him to contact them in the future and claim he was stopped or wasn’t allowed to see them which I’m sure he will! So just trying to cover my back especially since I’ve heard of children turning against their mum and blaming their mum which is why I’m asking just how honest you be?

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TotallyFloored · 13/04/2021 23:47

Following this too. In my case it wasn’t DV but something along those lines and while he’s agreed to stay away from the kids at the moment, it’s all new and I worry he’ll change his mind.
I have no idea what or how to tell my kids. Still very young, but my eldest is starting to mention it occasionally.

Original poster
Happycat1212 · 14/04/2021 15:39

That’s the thing, with social media it’s so much easier to contact people so I’m sure my ex will be back contacting them when are older saying how I stopped him! That’s why I want the children to know now from a young age that it was his choice not to be involved, some people say to go with the “some people aren’t able to be parents) but I’m not sure that’s really clear or honest enough! It’s more he doesn’t WANT to

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