Dealing with 16 year old rebellious daughter after their dad died.

[lilnisi]

Hi guys,

I'm new here.

I have a problem. I broke up with an alcoholic ex in 2011. My DD is 16 now...she started secondary school just a few months after her dad died of liver failure cos of his alcohol. In primary school she was striaght A pupil cos her dad was around. Now, her grades have dropped, she wants to be a vet but just don't know if her grades are up to scratch. I'm angry that my ex became an alcoholic, died leaving me with the kids, stressed being a single parent as I have an 11 year old who is dyslexic too. My anxiety has gone down a little but not fully as there would be times when I overwork myself. I'm going counselling and looking after myself, and distracting myself with friends and family...but it's my 16 year old that's rebellious with me. She's taking her anger out on me sometimes, obviously she's a teenager, I'm not expecting her to be my shoulder to cry on but as her mother, I have to be there for her cos she still thinks about her dad while maintaining my mental health as a single parent. I cry, I'm lonely, I suffer from anxiety, especially the fact that the kids were 10 and 6 when he died.

She is testing my patience because the more I say no to her, the more she does the opposite. She will say if dad was here, he will say yes to me. I replied well he isnt. Then she said if I had been there for him more, he would still be here. I know she is still young and I understand she's still coping with her feelings so she's not gonna ask me if I'm okay. She is a daddy's girl and was close to him. I'm trying my best to be a good parent but sometimes I struggle. Her grades have gone up a little bit but not much and I don't have to home school her as she asks her friends for help with her coursework. It's my youngest that needs more attention. She's a little bit blase about his death cos she was too young to understand...but sports day they all wished he was there and jealous of other kids having a loving father, parents evening, they tell me that their dad should be there too as they see other kids with their dad. This really breaks my heart and I never know what to say or do.

My mum is in Eastbourne, my 2 sisters work long hours. Sometimes they do help when they can...my sis has added me to her car insurance and other sis babysits them on her day off. I live with dad who sometimes pick them up from school, and thank god for their dad's mum cos if she could she would have them forever. Why is it still difficult?

They're growing up and before I know it they'll move out and I have no one. I have dated around, one guy didn't like my kids, the rest were just frogs. I'm thankful I don't have to try to concieve anymore and they're a blessing for me, but there would be times when I'd feel lonely and anxious.

Their dad and his mum used to buy them love, and their dad was a little spoilt growing up, on the other had I learned how to earn things. She wanted an ipad for her birthday, I said no, so she asked her dad's mum who bought it for her...these things make me angry cos I'm trying to teach her the value of money but then her grandmother is not showing that cos she's buying her love. She would say if dad was here, he would buy it for me. Thats why she hates me cos I say no and her grandmother says yes. I know one day she'll thank me but not now, I guess I have to be patient...I've been so patient for so long I'm tired of it...I just can't wait sometimes when she moves out but lonely when she does...my youngest understands me and tells her that I love both of them and understand all of our feelings...I feel she's more mature than her older sister. The 16 year old would say that sometimes I don't understand her feelings, it's always about me, bt its all about everyone which I do tell her sometimes.

I told them that we are all grieving together and we're dealing with this together and my 16 year old is not the only one suffering...she sometimes understand but again she is young so she's going to want to put her feelings before me...sometimes I try to prevent saying bad things about their dad, so I supress my anger and release it during counselling. I do go on holiday with my friends and we do go on a day out just the three of us weekends, holidays etc.

If anyone is in a similar situation as me, how do you cope? I iust want to share my experiences.

Allysa

Can I ask what it is you have to say no to so often? I have two daughters...one is 16...and to be honest, I rarely have to say no. I said no to a tattoo the other week...because I think 16 is too young to know what you want!

But by 16 she should be calmer and she should also have a decent amount of freedom...so what is it that she wants that you're saying no to?

It doesn't really matter that her Dad and Grandmother tried to buy their love. She obviously loved her Dad very much and they will always miss him at family events and parents events. That will never change.

Your post is very rambly and hard to follow but it seems to me your mixing up a lot of your feelings into your child's behaviour and sounds like you might be leaning on them for support a lot.

Has your daughter had some help with her grief? A counselor or someone outside the family she can speak to?

You don't really describe her behaviour in detail but its not unusual for 16 year old to be angry or feel misunderstood by their mothers.

I agree with Careless. I only focused on your daughter....but it's true that you seem to be mixing your issues up with her.

I'm so sorry, lilnisi.

Your daughter is sixteen and behaving like a sixteen year old. If your ex husband was still alive she would be the same; obviously not saying the same things but would find another bone to pick. Honestly this will pass.

Give her space and as much independence as she can handle. Respect her privacy. She loves you but most girls blame their mother for everything from the fall of man and it is always dragged up in rows. However, this will pass, I promise you.

As for grandma buying her things - grandparents are allowed to spoil - up to a point. It's best if you put your heads together around birthday and Christmas times and sort out what you can afford to buy, then allow grandma to be generous. You've said she is good in many ways and that is something for which to be thankful. My mother and my in laws bought things which husband and I couldn't afford and it didn't bother us, we were glad.

Look after yourself, being a parent, especially a single parent, is very important but there is more to you than that. You're entitled to go out with friends, have a hobby and enjoy yourself.

All the very best.

I did tell her that if she wants to go counselling with me then she can and that she can talk to me about anything, like boys, friends, school, even her dad but she said "yes mum, okay, okay" so I never know what she's feeling...apart from the fact she misses her dad and taking her anger out on me...or maybe it's teenage hormones.

It's not like I say no to everything she wants, like we do spend time together, go to winter wonderland, holidays, and clothes for her but the moment I say no, that's when she acts out. I just get angry because if I say no to things, she would ask her dad's mum and she gets what she wants without earning it. I said no to the Ipad, no to an iPhone 11 which she got both and no to seeing her best friend during lockdown, she went to school and never came back home, she never told me and I phoned her best friend and she told me yes she was with her. I told her to come home straight away which she did. Only last week, she told me she wanted to go Ibiza at 18, I said who is going to give you permission to go Ibiza and Ibiza is not what you think it is
she said when she's 18, she doesn't need my permission, dad went to Ibiza at 18, if he was still around he'd say yes. I'm not preventing her from going at 18, I'm just telling her the realities of what Ibiza is like and just got frustrated to spoke back to me.

I grew up with strict parents but my ex didn't. He was allowed to do whatever he wanted, that's why she loves her dad's family more.

Yes my issue is with her because she is testing me and maybe using her dad's death as an excuse for her hormones. She is calmer now, I think she realised GCSEs were important but there would still be snapping out of the blue and rebel. It was harder when she was in year 7 8 and 9 though so I have a feeling this will pass. It just takes time.

I know I seem to ramble on, I am not good with explaining things, since my kids were a part of my ex I can't forget. I just wish he was still around to help me out a little. It's just that I have to deal with being a single parent, anger, frustration, sadness, anxiety all at the same time while dealing with her outbursts. I never know how to deal with it sometimes, and my daughter is just making it worse for me.

Thanks for all the replies.

I think I'm expecting so much fron her as a parent and I think she will realise in time she will learn the value of money...even if my ex's mum is buying her things. I'm just trying to teach her the value of money like how my mum raised me...I have come to a point where I let grandma buy things for her, and I give her day outs and holiday experiences rather than something materialistic. I know when she has a job she will learn the value of money, but at the moment, I'm just gonna let grandma spoil her and thank her for giving her these things...I'm just letting her be a teenager.

Thanks again for your experiences and your help.

Yeah I am kind of leaning on them for support since it's just me and the girls now with a little help from family members.

It will all work out, lilnisi.

You deserve a treat!

Yes, it was actually my best friend who has a 5 and a 2 year old who told me to read up on mumsnet...this is where she got all her parenting, conceiving and pregnancy information from...I actually posted a thread on holiday ideas with them in 2022.

I'd really recommend counselling for her from a child bereavement organization.

For children grief develops as you get older and discover what death means - her grief will be different now to when she was 11. Plus she is a teen, full of hormones and everyone wants their dad to be wonderful.

2 places to start looking-

www.winstonswish.org/

www.childbereavementuk.org/

Anna,

Yes I'll look into that. The thing with teenagers is that they never talk about how they're feeling, not my daughter anyway. They just get angry, plus she's also dealing with her GCSEs and the pandemic. She feels she has to make all her life decisions and be ready for the real world.

That's why I try to be careful of what i say, I never know whether she's angry cos of her hormones or she's missing her dad.

I know she talks to her two best friends about how she's feeling, I guess they can relate cos they are the same age...they were supportive of her grief which I'm pleased about.

I'd recommend finding her own counselling for her. A safe space where she can express herself without worrying about how you might feel about it.

Some daughters don't confide in their Mum's especially if she's angry. She may not feel able to share.

I agree that grief changes as you grow up and at 16 she's starting to face all of those life decisions she would have wanted her Dad there for.

Its not a snub on you, she may be angry he's not here but you are so you're bearing the brunt of it.

I wouldn't worry too much about the spoiling, she'll grow into appreciating money more at uni. Quite a few of my friends had grandparents that bought them a lot of what they wanted and it didn't seem to do any long term damage. Especially once living off nothing but noodles.

There are some things she has to learn herself, going to Ibiza isn't something you can stop if she has the money and she obviously is craving the connection to her Dad by following in his footsteps. Saying No is just going to cause friction, sometimes approaching it as that sounds fantastic, before you go I'd like to chat about safety and such for young girls there might work.

Hi Careless,

Thanks for the advice...she said she will consider counselling after her GCSEs and in her own time...and I am going to tell her about Ibiza when she feels like she wants to go at 18, e.g. keep your drinks with you, safety and make sure there are a group of people with her etc. This site is really helpful...

I get you. I was widowed due to alcohol 10 years ago when my DSs were 4 and 9. I'm still angry. I'm livid that he damaged my boys and then left me to raise them on my own. I've no parents or in laws so it's really down to me. it is so hard to deal with your children's issues when you are fragile and suffering yourself and have very little emotional support yourself.
I think you are doing well and should remember it's a long game! Teaching your children values doesn't just happen with one "lesson". It takes years of living and experiences for children to learn these things. They say ' don't drop the rope ': just keep working away at your relationships with your children the best you can. Even if it feels like you're not getting where you want to be, don't give up, keep plodding away at it.
I agree with others that your daughter sounds like a regular teenager in most aspects of her behaviour. I understand how conflicted it must leave you, to hear her praising her dad when YOU are the one who is working so hard for her. It's a thankless task until they are MUCH older.
Take as much time as you can with friends doing anything you enjoy. it's hard being a single parent. It's hard being a widow. Sometimes it feels relentless... take any happiness you can get .

Careless squid, very good suggestion.

Yes, single parenting is really hard...thankfully, my divorce is already sorted before he died, one less thing to worry about. It's like you have to be there for your kids but they can't be there for you because you're their mother and when you say something bad about their dad, it could go against you. And I don't want to be an over protective mum but don't want to be the kind of mum who don't discipline her kids...I guess I'm trying to understand my kids better and be a better parent and be a better person everyday.

Thank you for all your help...means a lot to me...