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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

I hate being a part time Mum

21 replies

ThirdTimeIucky · 07/04/2021 10:30

Just that really. I have an almost 50/50 arrangement with my husband. And I hate it.

I feel like a fraud. Like a fake Mum. I absolutely hate it. I find the times when I have her overwhelming, and when I don't, I just feel like a spare part and wish I was doing things with her.

I'm sure people will tell me to get a hobby or something, which has been pretty impossible over the last year. But I don't want to bloody hobby. I want to be a Mum. I carried my daughter because I wanted to be there all the time. Not part of the time. I despise it. I hate being cut from half her life. Not being able to put her to bed every night.

I am currently seeing her Dad again, a year after we separated. I still love him. He still loves me. We are living in separate homes, and are being very careful to not upset our daughter. I wouldn't say missing my daughter is my only motivation for this. But I'd be lying if I said it was some motivation.
My family will hit the roof when they find out. The whole thing is a bloody mess. But I despise where I am.

OP posts:

Happycat1212 · 07/04/2021 12:20

So if you are back together then why are you a “ part time mum? “ why does it matter what your family think? Was there abuse or something? That’s the only time I can imagine it mattering? I hate being a full time mum tbh and never getting a break 🤷‍♀️

Original poster

ThirdTimeIucky · 07/04/2021 12:35

@Happycat1212 as I said. We live apart, in separate homes, we are seeing each other occasionally, not living together. This is a new development, and may not lead anywhere. I think your final comment is a bit unnecessary to be honest. I wasn't suggesting anyone's situation is a bed of roses. I couldn't imagine doing this alone, it must be incredibly hard, I have no idea. But just because someone has it harder, like yourself, doesn't mean my feelings are invalid.

OP posts:

Sarahtrue11 · 07/04/2021 13:50

I am sorry that you feel like that. And I understand.

But you didn't make that baby all by yourself. It takes two people, and he is equally important. He also feels like that, and misses her just as much, when she is with you.

If you are back together, that is perfect, and you want to see her every day, move in together!

Moomoolandmoomooland · 07/04/2021 13:54

There's nothing wrong with how you feel. But don't let that drive your decision to reconcile with your ex. There was a reason why you separated in the first place. Has that now been resolved?

Sarahtrue11 · 07/04/2021 13:58

And OP well done on doing 50 - 50, which is best for your child. Even though it is hard for you, you have put what is best for your child first. And that is great. You should be applauded.

Do you telephone her when she is away, make sure you talk to her every day, that will make you feel better.

usedandabusedx1000 · 07/04/2021 14:02

Op, I have no advice but it’s want to say I feel you. I’ve had a 50/50 arrangement with my ex since we split....8 years ago maybe? Informant at first, and now via court order. I feel the same as you. We have a one week on/one week off set up and not seeing the kids for a whole week, every other week, is painful and as far as I’m concerned - not good for them either (but I guess that might be a selfish view) it hasn’t really got any better over time, I guess I’ve just got used to it and get on with it but it’s tough, even more so as I have a child with someone else now, so our child finds it confusing and hard too not seeing his siblings for so long so frequently (too young to understand or be told why at the moment) you have my sympathies xx

Itlod1982 · 07/04/2021 16:50

@ThirdTimeIucky I can sympathise with how you feel about being a part time mum as I feel exactly the same. I'm 5 years in and it does get easier (or you adapt) but I still feel it to some extent.

However, I'd suggest thinking very very carefully before getting back with your ex. I only say this as from how you anticipate your family to react,
I'm assuming he didn't treat you very well and/or it wasn't the healthiest of relationships. If so, going back to that would potentially be worse for DD, depending on the reason for the split.
Also, if it didn't work last time and not much is changed you could end up putting your DD through a breakup again.

Original poster

ThirdTimeIucky · 07/04/2021 19:16

@Itlod1982 I know. You are right and it is my biggest concern. We are being very cautious for her sake. Living apart, seeing each other mainly when she is asleep. It's a very odd situation. I wouldn't want to put my daughter through it all again.

OP posts:

Woodlandbelle · 07/04/2021 19:19

I totally understand your feelings though I am not in that position. It's very understandable and maybe it's good to get together again. Your family don't have to approve. But go with your gut instinct. Will you be happy?

TeachesOfPeaches · 07/04/2021 19:25

A lot of posters on MN will tell a poster having minor relationship troubles to leave without considering the implications on child contact.

50/50 is becoming much more common now and I think most mothers would put up with a rubbish sex life if they could see their child everyday. Sorry you are in this position OP

iammeiamme · 07/04/2021 21:31

@Sarahtrue11 I see it from a different perspective, my parents had 50/50 custody of myself and my brother, it was awful. We felt like nomads, we called my mum's house just that and my dad's house just that but nowhere was our home, we lived out of suitcases, were completely unsettled, had no stability and quite literally didn't know whether we were coming or going. When it came to GCSE's and A levels my belongings were never where I needed them to be and I know I would've done better and felt I belonged somewhere if I'd been able to have some sort of stability and organisation.
I cried my heart out 7 years ago (aged 29) when my husband and I bought our house because it was the first time I'd felt I had a home and belonged somewhere since I was 10.

OP I know this isn't what you want to hear right now but if your ex wasn't abusive and there's a chance you can be happy together I'd jump at it to save your children and yourself from this arrangement.

Moveoverrover · 08/04/2021 06:33

I wouldn't want a 50/50 arrangement. How old is your daughter?

Our arrangements are 1 over night with DH each week, 2 evenings for dinner and then he comes over to my house 3x mornings a week to give DCs breakfast on his way to work. This way he gets to see them a lot but they're still with me.

We're also considering getting back together eventually but at the moment, I don't feel in love with him so need to stay as we are.

If there's nothing abusive in your relationship it may be worth you getting back together. Although its very sensible that you're taking it so slowly. Don't allow the opinions of others keep you within this current setup if it's not working for you and you might be happier together.

SuperCaliFragalistic · 08/04/2021 06:46

I love having my kids part time. I get down time and time for work and housework, socialising and hobbies and still get to give my kids 100% when they're with me. It's made me a better parent and a happier person.

I'd be worried that you're getting back together with your ex because you aren't happy on your own and you rely on your daughter to provide meaning to your life. It's a big gamble and your daughter will be the loser if it fails again. Try and focus on improving your self esteem andyour internal resources and don't put so much pressure on your ex and your daughter to make you happy.

Original poster

ThirdTimeIucky · 08/04/2021 08:22

@SuperCaliFragalistic. Its not that I dont like being alone. I enjoy my own company and always have. I've spent the best part of a year on my own. I don't really mind it. It's not seeing my daughter that is the issue, not the fear if being alone, which is often portrayed as a symptom of being weak and needy, which I think generally is unfair. I think some people need company and others less so. Realistically if the last year has taught us anything, it's actually human nature to need company. It's not a sign of weakness, just a basic human need.

OP posts:

Itlod1982 · 08/04/2021 09:11

@ThirdTimeIucky why did you and your DP split up in the first place? This would be one of the major factors for me if I was considering getting back together with someone

Sarahtrue11 · 08/04/2021 09:40

@ThirdTimeIucky I have empathy for you, this is often how dads say they feel when they can't see their kids. That they miss them so badly.

It is hard because it takes two people to make a chlld - and then both parents want to see the child.

You are doing what is best for the child, so congratulate yourself on that. Well done.

You will also probably have a better relationship with your child when you are older, because of this.

My mother stopped me and my brother from seeing my Dad for five years. She moved to another country and would not let our dad know where we were.

Both me and my brother have a very bad relationship with our mother now as adults. Because she hurt us when we were children, by not letting us see our dad. Both of us barely talk to her.

Terminallysleepdeprived · 11/04/2021 20:42

@thirdtimelucky I totally understand. When dds dad and I split up we tried to cohabit for about 6-8 months before I couldn't take what it was doing to us and her. When I moved out we agreed 50/50 contact and it was hell. For a variety of reasons she now sleeps here every night but sees her dad during the day. And it works well.

You are doing the right thing by her though, she will thank you when she is older that she had equal time with you both, especially if this rekindling doesn't go anywhere.

GettingItOutThere · 11/04/2021 21:59

i feel for you OP i honestly do. I dont think getting back with him is creating a good thing for your daughter?

for posters who say "takes 2 to create and wanted by both parents". i completely agree, but sometimes fathers dont want the child until pressure arrises from outsiders or they feel they should step up, not always because they want too. Worth bearing in mind

Billythecandlestickmaker · 11/04/2021 22:02

Hello op,
I havent read the whole thread but wanted to bookmark this, I can only write a very short reply right now.
I am a 50/50 parent too (one week on, one off) and it's so unusual to find another parent like me.
I understand you totally. I absolutely regret the choice that was made for a even split.
For now, I'm sending a handhold and hugs, and will reply at length tomorrow x x

Billythecandlestickmaker · 11/04/2021 22:07

Having scanned through the thread now, just wanted to acknowledge all the other 50/50 parents, I've always felt so alone not knowing any other people in my situation.

Original poster

ThirdTimeIucky · 12/04/2021 07:22

Thanks @Billythecandlestickmaker I don't personally know anyone. It is very hard. Lots of parents seem to think it's super easy because we only have them half of the time, but it just isn't that simple. I feel like I can't give her as much of myself as I would like when we are together, and miss her terribly when we aren't. It's a horrid situation.

OP posts:

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