Teenage troubles and the wider family

[sjp01]

This is difficult to word and I'm just hoping someone here understands, I just need to know I'm not alone! I'm a single widowed parent with a 15yo ds. He's lovely, well behaved and just going through teenage hood as best he can, but recently he's started going out to meet friends and we are feeling our way together through the new stage of boundary setting. I like to think he's older now so it's more a case of negotiation rather than me setting rules and giving punishments as I don't think that works with teenagers. Do you agree, or am I being soft? My sister thinks I'm soft, I asked her to back me up with him recently, which she did really kindly, reinforcing me telling him he has to keep in touch with me when he's out (a couple of times he didn't and I was out of my mind with worry, which he didn't understand). I didn't ground him but discussed with him and gave him another chance. My sister thought I was undermining her intervention. I thought that was a bit ott. Now I'm sorry i asked her support and feel it's affected how she thinks of him, unnecessarily. I need to just keep doing this alone. It's really upset me. What do you think?

I think to be honest you are making a mountain out of a molehill. I wouldn't involve family members on small issues like him remembering to keep in contact with you while he is out with his friends enjoying himself. To be honest I would just say to him to make sure his volume is turned up on his phone and you will expect him to answer when you call to check on him. Dont be suprised if he doesnt answer immediately but then calls you back, he is probably playing football or similar. At the end of the day he is 15 not 10, he doesnt need to be checking in constantly. If he starts being completely uncontactable while he is out missing deadlines to be home etc then it would be worth YOU talking to him about how that makes you feel and how if he cant be responsible the he cant go out. But until that time I really think you need ro relax.

@Hellocatshome thanks for your reply.. I had done all that, and he had missed his curfew but just didn't seem to understand why I was worrying, I felt I'd just become white noise to him which was why I thought hearing it from someone else might make him take notice and realise its not just me. But you're right, I shouldn't have involved my sister with this.

Does your sister have teens? I think some people have no nuance. You asked her for support, not give her final say over all your parenting.

I think just keep on at him that the keeping in contact is the price he pays for the freedom. He needs to call or text you back within 5 /10 mins.
I also asked mine to download the 3 words app so can send me location quickly but might not look as embarrassing to their friends as answering calls to their mum.
You need to talk to your kid at a calm time. Your sister is just pissed off that it turned out he didnt listen to her either, and now wants you to punish him for that on top.of the original issue. The point wasnt to give you extra conflict, so shes unreasonable

@Branleuse thanks for that, yes she has teen girls who would never dream of not keeping in touch when they're out. The three words app is a brilliant idea thanks, it'll be easier for him to appear cool whilst letting me know where he is!

I think you are doing the right thing, l wouldn't listen to your sister, most parents if they are honest experience teething troubles with letting them go , yet keeping them safe. You cannot parent a 15 yr old as you would a younger child it won't work, you need to give them space to grow yet still maintain the respect. Sounds like you've done a brilliant job of parenting so far, not easy being a single widowed parent, l am in same situation, you do what feels right for you, you know your son best.

@Moonface123 thanks so much for this, I needed that reassurance.

I’ve learnt not to involve other family members with any discipline issues. They all have their own ideas, either outdated or just bonkers based on having no experience of teens at all. I just have to feel my way by myself and rely on my own judgement. It’s hard and it would be lovely to have someone else to bounce ideas off but unless that person is actually raising your child with you and has the same investment in them as you do they just won’t be on the same page as you. I try to be relaxed with DS15 and tbh he’s pretty good. I accept there will be bumps in the road and I remind myself not to overreact. We’re both learning.

I can relate to you, if you read my post on 16 year old rebellious daughter post, I think you can relate.

My 16 year old daughter is acting out since her dad died, so she won't care about my feelings, only hers. When she misbehaves, I ground her, no TV, no phone etc. And if she breaks the rules, I ground her for another few days. It usually works. I have a 16 year old daughter and you have a 15 year old son, so their hormones are different. I am also widowed so it is a challenge for me. I try to let her do things and learn to make her own mistakes. She went to her friend's house after school when I took her phone, so I called her friend and said she was there and told her to come home, cos she broke the rules, I extended the grounding for an extra 2 days. She would act out that it's not fair, I just replied life's not fair, deal with it. I told her in the real world it's more brutal than how I treat her...she will go uni and she'll realise how tough it is living alone. I want to see how she'll cope...sometimes, you just have to let teens taste a bit of the real world in order for them to get you. When she is out with friends, I tell her to be safe, I know that I have her best friend's number in case of an emergency, she's always with her best friend...she wants to go Ibiza when she's 18, all I can tell her is safety, go with a group of 10 or more and have more guys there so they can look after you and keep your drinks with you.

I'm learning the ropes too.

I am the same as you OP. I don't do punishments etc but rely on the intelligence and reasoning skills of my kids. They're 99% good...16 and 13. Well, the 13 year old is a bit silly....but I'm open about why I get nervous if she doesn't call me...about predators and alcohol and under age sex...they both have open relationship with me and talk about everything and a few times have thanked me for being someone who they're not afraid to come to if something did go wrong for them.

I think you're doing the right thing. But don't ask your sister to back you up. It's your job.

Gawd, I never tell my sisters anything, talk about judge-pants. I do have a couple of friends, parents of my DD’s class at primary school. They have girls the same age and are really useful for advice.

I have never really punished because I haven’t had to. The one time my DD really broke boundaries the consequences were SO horrendous that punishment was pointless and the lesson will, I believe, last for life!

Thanks so much for the replies everyone, really helpful 😊 My sister apologised in the end, but I know now, it's best to do this on my own. I guess no one knows you like your own parents, what works and what doesn't, just have to keep fumbling or way through this!